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Intentional pants wetting by a potty trained 3 and 3/4 year old
My son has been out of diapers for 1 year and 2 months. He is the third of 3 boys and was potty trained quite quickly last summer with minimal accidents and no tears at the age of 2 and 8 months. About 2 months after the diapers were gone, he would sometimes tinkle a very little bit in his underpants and announce that he was wet. He didn't empty his bladder, just a tablespoonful or so, enough to put a small wet spot on his pants. We didn't make a big deal of it, it didn't last long, he stopped, so we thought it was a done deal.
Throughout the following year, he periodically displayed this same behavior. He would proudly announce that his pants were wet multiple times a day and change them himself with a smile. This did not occur at preschool (2 mornings a week) but would occur as soon as he got home. It would occur minutes after he went to the toilet, just a little bit. It was never a whole bladder accident, only tiny bits at a time. Sometimes he would NOT announce that he was wet, and would just sit in damp pants for hours. Sometimes he would wet his bed, as well. All this occurred with me, mostly at home.
We took him to the doctor to establish that there was no infection or other problem. Then we attempted to curb this behavior by taking things from him. No matter what we would take away (his favorite blanket, TV time, access to the part of the house where the "accident" occurred) NOTHING seemed to phase him. "I don't really like that blanket" he would say. We even made him change his sheets and do the laundry. Although this would make him cry, eventually he acted as though it was a treat. "I love laundry" he would say. Then it stopped again!!
Most recently, we had a fantastic summer, he did many new things and grew socially and cognitively. I was really beginning to enjoy him!!! The second week in August came and he suddenly started it all over again. In an attempt not to lose my mind, I took him back to his pediatrician who advised me to completely ignore it. One week after completely ignoring it, he has started to TOTALLY EMPTY HIS BLADDER, so it's not just a little spot anymore. I am in fear that the next step is using the power of poop?! If he wants my attention, he's got it! I spend time sitting alone with him every single day, coloring, doing puzzles, reading, just the two of us. He usually wets his pants soon after we're done with our special time together.
I am beyond angry and frustrated with this child. I do not spank my children (I have a 7 and 5 year old boys as well), but have considered it in this situation. I feel like a complete failure as a parent and I am embarrassed by him. I don't know where to go from here. I am totally consistent in my methods for trying to correct this, but it has occurred on and off so many times that my methods have changed, so now I'm inconsistent! Prescool starts in 1 week and he can't go in pull-ups. (Not that I want him to wear pull-ups)
What do I do next?
Throughout the following year, he periodically displayed this same behavior. He would proudly announce that his pants were wet multiple times a day and change them himself with a smile. This did not occur at preschool (2 mornings a week) but would occur as soon as he got home. It would occur minutes after he went to the toilet, just a little bit. It was never a whole bladder accident, only tiny bits at a time. Sometimes he would NOT announce that he was wet, and would just sit in damp pants for hours. Sometimes he would wet his bed, as well. All this occurred with me, mostly at home.
We took him to the doctor to establish that there was no infection or other problem. Then we attempted to curb this behavior by taking things from him. No matter what we would take away (his favorite blanket, TV time, access to the part of the house where the "accident" occurred) NOTHING seemed to phase him. "I don't really like that blanket" he would say. We even made him change his sheets and do the laundry. Although this would make him cry, eventually he acted as though it was a treat. "I love laundry" he would say. Then it stopped again!!
Most recently, we had a fantastic summer, he did many new things and grew socially and cognitively. I was really beginning to enjoy him!!! The second week in August came and he suddenly started it all over again. In an attempt not to lose my mind, I took him back to his pediatrician who advised me to completely ignore it. One week after completely ignoring it, he has started to TOTALLY EMPTY HIS BLADDER, so it's not just a little spot anymore. I am in fear that the next step is using the power of poop?! If he wants my attention, he's got it! I spend time sitting alone with him every single day, coloring, doing puzzles, reading, just the two of us. He usually wets his pants soon after we're done with our special time together.
I am beyond angry and frustrated with this child. I do not spank my children (I have a 7 and 5 year old boys as well), but have considered it in this situation. I feel like a complete failure as a parent and I am embarrassed by him. I don't know where to go from here. I am totally consistent in my methods for trying to correct this, but it has occurred on and off so many times that my methods have changed, so now I'm inconsistent! Prescool starts in 1 week and he can't go in pull-ups. (Not that I want him to wear pull-ups)
What do I do next?
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I appreciate all of your thoughtful replies. At this point, I feel the need to defend myself, a bit, because of the most recent post from echoberg.
Yes. You interpreted my "tone" correctly. There is no question in my mind that my son's bahavior is willful. I promise that if you had the opportunity to spend some time with him you would also agree that wetting his pants is within his conscious control. You would see that is a bright and cheerful child who is quite capable of making choices in this arena and many others. I acknowledge that he is young and that in our society at this point in time, many boys are not toilet taught until they are older than he. I also know that people are different. And that there is a broad range of what is considered to be normal among children. I don't consider him to be out of the normal age range for wearing underpants. I am not from the "prior generation." He will turn 4 years old in November, not 1.
He is not my first child, and I have not and will not parent my children until they become automatons. I do, however, set child-specific and age-appropriate limits for my kids. I truly believe our society is filled with children raised to have no concept of what limits are. Parents who are so concerned with befriending their children, fail to teach them responsibility and self-reliance. These, I believe, are the children who are given the Ritalin, sent to the specialists and who eventually populate the prisons. Not my children, who come from a loving household where they are taught to be contributing members of our family and to become upstanding members of our society and of the world.
Your suggestion that by raising children in a structured household they become criminals is absurd. I do not hit my children. A parent does not need to hit to create limits. We do not watch TV during the school week in our house. We respect one anothers privacy and belongings. We all help with household chores. We go to bed at bedtime. Is this creating automatons?
Without giving our kids some structure and limits, we are expecting them to parent themselves. From the tone of your post, that's what it sounds like you are suggesting for me. Let him do what he wants until he's 30 and then he'll figure it all out for himself. Am I understanding you correctly?
Yes. You interpreted my "tone" correctly. There is no question in my mind that my son's bahavior is willful. I promise that if you had the opportunity to spend some time with him you would also agree that wetting his pants is within his conscious control. You would see that is a bright and cheerful child who is quite capable of making choices in this arena and many others. I acknowledge that he is young and that in our society at this point in time, many boys are not toilet taught until they are older than he. I also know that people are different. And that there is a broad range of what is considered to be normal among children. I don't consider him to be out of the normal age range for wearing underpants. I am not from the "prior generation." He will turn 4 years old in November, not 1.
He is not my first child, and I have not and will not parent my children until they become automatons. I do, however, set child-specific and age-appropriate limits for my kids. I truly believe our society is filled with children raised to have no concept of what limits are. Parents who are so concerned with befriending their children, fail to teach them responsibility and self-reliance. These, I believe, are the children who are given the Ritalin, sent to the specialists and who eventually populate the prisons. Not my children, who come from a loving household where they are taught to be contributing members of our family and to become upstanding members of our society and of the world.
Your suggestion that by raising children in a structured household they become criminals is absurd. I do not hit my children. A parent does not need to hit to create limits. We do not watch TV during the school week in our house. We respect one anothers privacy and belongings. We all help with household chores. We go to bed at bedtime. Is this creating automatons?
Without giving our kids some structure and limits, we are expecting them to parent themselves. From the tone of your post, that's what it sounds like you are suggesting for me. Let him do what he wants until he's 30 and then he'll figure it all out for himself. Am I understanding you correctly?
A related discussion, response to 3 year old wetting again was started.
A related discussion, has anything worked for you and your son? was started.
Thanks for your insight! I completely agree. I've noticed many other posts by this ehoberg person with a similar closed-minded tone. I think he/she needs a new hobby besides posting here.
Dont pay any attention to what this person (ehoberg)says.
He or She is obviously dillusional and is either arrogant and has been "lucky" with having a "perfect"child or has issues that he or she does not wish to disclose, but instead take it out on others.
He or She is obviously dillusional and is either arrogant and has been "lucky" with having a "perfect"child or has issues that he or she does not wish to disclose, but instead take it out on others.
The modern thinking is that kids have accidents and when they are 30, they won't. If we have unreasonable expectations of what a kid should or shouldn't do, and they don't comply, then there's a problem. If we liberalize and naturalize the expectation, then everything falls in to place.
Prior generations potty trained babies by 1 year's old and so anytime after that, if the kid wet his pants, he got punished. You might think that's unreasonable. I moved to the South. I think their childrearing expectations and beliefs are much like yours sound and they aren't healthy. They set the kid up to fail.
Change can bring on accidents. Bullying can bring on accidents. If you are a punishment/rule oriented mother, you may be the stresser itself.
From the tone of your post, my impression is that you think the kid is being wilful. That attitude is the cruxt of the problem. Kids at that age have no logic because their brain has developed that yet.
I would say the kid is doing the best he can, you do expect too much and if you don't lighten up, I foresee the kid getting punished until he is an automaton.
Punishment oriented societies have the highest obesity rates, impulse control problems in the form of spanking/domestic violence, and are the lowest on the socio/economic rung. They also are the population that most populate our jails. Our jails are filled with people who came from our nation's strictest culture.
Prior generations potty trained babies by 1 year's old and so anytime after that, if the kid wet his pants, he got punished. You might think that's unreasonable. I moved to the South. I think their childrearing expectations and beliefs are much like yours sound and they aren't healthy. They set the kid up to fail.
Change can bring on accidents. Bullying can bring on accidents. If you are a punishment/rule oriented mother, you may be the stresser itself.
From the tone of your post, my impression is that you think the kid is being wilful. That attitude is the cruxt of the problem. Kids at that age have no logic because their brain has developed that yet.
I would say the kid is doing the best he can, you do expect too much and if you don't lighten up, I foresee the kid getting punished until he is an automaton.
Punishment oriented societies have the highest obesity rates, impulse control problems in the form of spanking/domestic violence, and are the lowest on the socio/economic rung. They also are the population that most populate our jails. Our jails are filled with people who came from our nation's strictest culture.
Your son IS potty trained. He has control and he know what trips your trigger.
Please love him regardless of this behavior problem. Sure its embarrassing but only if you make it that way.
My 3yo grandson is a great loving wonderful boy. His mother controls him and pushes him around too much. She interupts his playtime to groom him. She takes his chair when he gets up. Won't let him watch a program on HER TV or changes the channel when hes dead into something. Little things that tell him she's in control. Guess what his control is? Yep, he pees and poops with her whenever he wants. He's totally potty trained at day care. Has no problems at all.
Stop punishing him, taking things away, giving him ultimatums. Put him in a diaper and send him to daycare, school, whatever. Respect his wishes and stop making a deal out of it.
Please love him regardless of this behavior problem. Sure its embarrassing but only if you make it that way.
My 3yo grandson is a great loving wonderful boy. His mother controls him and pushes him around too much. She interupts his playtime to groom him. She takes his chair when he gets up. Won't let him watch a program on HER TV or changes the channel when hes dead into something. Little things that tell him she's in control. Guess what his control is? Yep, he pees and poops with her whenever he wants. He's totally potty trained at day care. Has no problems at all.
Stop punishing him, taking things away, giving him ultimatums. Put him in a diaper and send him to daycare, school, whatever. Respect his wishes and stop making a deal out of it.
"This did not occur at preschool (2 mornings a week) but would occur as soon as he got home. All this occurred with me, mostly at home."
My son did the same thing with me, and my pre-school said that it was because home was where he could "let his guard down" and relax. His comfort zone. I remember it was stressful because I knew he could do it from 8am-2pm. Now I am training my 3 1/2 yr. daughter and it is not going well there either. She does not want to train, at all. My doc has told me to keep trying but not to pressure. They said that many kids train closer to 4 (although you never hear about them) and that she will do it on her terms, when she is ready. I do belive this since we had similar issues with her "big girl bed" ... and then one night she just wanted to sleep in it ... and never looked back. Good luck and know that you are not alone in potty training stresses!!
My son did the same thing with me, and my pre-school said that it was because home was where he could "let his guard down" and relax. His comfort zone. I remember it was stressful because I knew he could do it from 8am-2pm. Now I am training my 3 1/2 yr. daughter and it is not going well there either. She does not want to train, at all. My doc has told me to keep trying but not to pressure. They said that many kids train closer to 4 (although you never hear about them) and that she will do it on her terms, when she is ready. I do belive this since we had similar issues with her "big girl bed" ... and then one night she just wanted to sleep in it ... and never looked back. Good luck and know that you are not alone in potty training stresses!!
The doctor has wonderful advice, mom! The whole potty training thing can be very difficult, for boys in general, and hard as it may be, the best thing is not to make a big deal about it. I had a really tough time with our oldest son (I started training him around the age of two) and I put so much pressure on both him and myself that it really did something to our relationship at that time. I felt like a complete failure as a parent that I couldn
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
The first thing to focus on (because you can take control of it) is your reaction. If you do not do better at maintainig equanimity in the face of this, you are only adding to the problem. Don't allow yourself to be blown off course by this. It is really not a huge matter - you are making it seem like one. Relative to the behavior itself, do not focus on discipline. Remember: your son is still young. He happens to have mastered most of toilet training at a very young age, but the mastery was not complete. Establish a simple sticker/reward system for him by which he receives a sticker and immediate reward for keeping dry and/or using the potty. You can 'rate' him three times daily, so he'll have plenty of opportunity for success. Enjoy him; this is not worth altering your regard for your son.
I don't have kids yet (19 weeks pg) but have a suggestion ... one more thing you may be able to try. Is he excited about school? If so, put him in pull ups and tell him kids who wear pull ups are not allowed to go to his school. If he is good, remove them, if he is bad put him back in them, and leave him in them for a day or so.
If he starts the "thats okay I don't really want to go to school" say thats good, but it a shame because all you friends are going.
It's sound like you son has mastered an art most adults can't. Pretending it doesn't bother him. Do the same back.
If he starts the "thats okay I don't really want to go to school" say thats good, but it a shame because all you friends are going.
It's sound like you son has mastered an art most adults can't. Pretending it doesn't bother him. Do the same back.
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