Aa
Is my child a sociopath?
My son is 10 years old and for as long as I can remember we have been having issues with his behavior. In the beginning it was stealing little things like snack cakes and pens off my desk and it progressed to stealing bigger things like my husbands watch. Added to this he lies almost constantly, sneaks around and is always making up stories to see if he can trick someone into believing him. We took all of that in stride and tried to believe that he was a normal child with behavior problems. We tried postive and negative reinforcement, time-outs, grounding, taking things away and just about everything else at one time or another. We even moved to another state to give him a new start in a new school, with new friends and in a house with his own room instead of in a tiny apartment but things just got worse and worse.
Last year he was having problems in school and nearly failed. He has already taken first grade twice and second grade twice and he nearly had to take second grade for a third time because he didnt want to do the work. Not because he can't or because he is distracted but because he thinks his teachers are too stupid to teach him anything. This year he has been better but I think it is because he has tricked the teacher into giving him most of the answers on his work and making things very easy on him because he is so small and she feels that he is being mistreated at home. They even called child services because of the stories that he told them.
We also found out that he has been peeing in his room. At first he was peeing on the clothes in his laundry basket and then he began peeing in the corners and in his clothes depending on how badly the need was. His reason for this is alternately that he is trying to teach me a lesson and that I should let him wander the house and do whatever he wants and that it is his room and he should be allowed to do anything he wants in there even pee.
When we realized that he was peeing in his room we took him to a mental hospital for inpatient treatment and they kept him for 8 days before releasing him. I was told that they could not keep him there because he was not a danger to anyone and besides he promised not to pee and would follow all the rules ect. That only lasted a few hours after he got home and he was peeing again. We moved him out of his room and into the living room so that he wouldnt have the opportunity to do it anymore and we thought that was the end of that until he tried to starve our ferrets by pretending to feed them but not actually doing it. His reason was that he was tired of them and wanted to see how long it would take them to die. I sat him down to talk about this and he told me that he was also planning to kill the cat, myself and my 10 month old because he was also tired of us. I took him back to the mental hospital where they kept him for 24 days with absolutely no improvement. This time they released him because he said that he no longer planned to kill anyone and was all better. The couselor suggested that I send him to a boys camp because even though he said he was better and they were sending him home they did not feel that he was really better.
So here we are trying to decide what we should do with our son. He is 10 years old and the size of an 8 year old, has mild Cerebral palsy and needs shots in order to grow. If I send him to this camp he will not get the chance to grow normally and wont get all the treatment for his CP. Neither of which will matter if he doesnt get the mental help he needs. I hate the idea of sending my son away because I am his mother and feel that I should be the best thing for him. The problem is that he wants to kill me and thinks that it is okay if he does. He does not express remorse for anything that he has done and never has, is extremely maniputlative and is not affected by punishments or consequences of any kind because he feels that they are only temporary and do not matter. I am nearly convinced that he is a sociopath but he is SO manipulative that the doctors havent been able to see the real child and instead see the fake one that he is so good at portraying. What can I do in this situation?
Last year he was having problems in school and nearly failed. He has already taken first grade twice and second grade twice and he nearly had to take second grade for a third time because he didnt want to do the work. Not because he can't or because he is distracted but because he thinks his teachers are too stupid to teach him anything. This year he has been better but I think it is because he has tricked the teacher into giving him most of the answers on his work and making things very easy on him because he is so small and she feels that he is being mistreated at home. They even called child services because of the stories that he told them.
We also found out that he has been peeing in his room. At first he was peeing on the clothes in his laundry basket and then he began peeing in the corners and in his clothes depending on how badly the need was. His reason for this is alternately that he is trying to teach me a lesson and that I should let him wander the house and do whatever he wants and that it is his room and he should be allowed to do anything he wants in there even pee.
When we realized that he was peeing in his room we took him to a mental hospital for inpatient treatment and they kept him for 8 days before releasing him. I was told that they could not keep him there because he was not a danger to anyone and besides he promised not to pee and would follow all the rules ect. That only lasted a few hours after he got home and he was peeing again. We moved him out of his room and into the living room so that he wouldnt have the opportunity to do it anymore and we thought that was the end of that until he tried to starve our ferrets by pretending to feed them but not actually doing it. His reason was that he was tired of them and wanted to see how long it would take them to die. I sat him down to talk about this and he told me that he was also planning to kill the cat, myself and my 10 month old because he was also tired of us. I took him back to the mental hospital where they kept him for 24 days with absolutely no improvement. This time they released him because he said that he no longer planned to kill anyone and was all better. The couselor suggested that I send him to a boys camp because even though he said he was better and they were sending him home they did not feel that he was really better.
So here we are trying to decide what we should do with our son. He is 10 years old and the size of an 8 year old, has mild Cerebral palsy and needs shots in order to grow. If I send him to this camp he will not get the chance to grow normally and wont get all the treatment for his CP. Neither of which will matter if he doesnt get the mental help he needs. I hate the idea of sending my son away because I am his mother and feel that I should be the best thing for him. The problem is that he wants to kill me and thinks that it is okay if he does. He does not express remorse for anything that he has done and never has, is extremely maniputlative and is not affected by punishments or consequences of any kind because he feels that they are only temporary and do not matter. I am nearly convinced that he is a sociopath but he is SO manipulative that the doctors havent been able to see the real child and instead see the fake one that he is so good at portraying. What can I do in this situation?
I understand how as a mother you hesitate sending one of your own children you had with full intentions of loving caring for and rearing but you need to realize its also a parents responsibility to know when your child needs more than you intuitively and naturally are capable of providing. Your boy is in dire need of receiving care from people specialized and familiar with children needing specialized care. It is not fair to your other child to have to subside on what energy love attention and emotional constancy you have left over after giving stressing and grieving their brother. You are putting you youngest at risk of being traumatized and he/ she also deserves your love protection and energy. My child has cerebral palsy but is loving caring so I dont think your son's CP can explain away whats at work here. There may be orgaic brain damage involved but there is also most certainly behavioral/psychological issues that are more likely the causes. My heart goes out to you but the right thing to do is probably the more difficult and includes in house long term hospitalization. This situation is one thats just too complex serious and dangerous for a mothers love alone to fix. The most loving thing you can do is to let trained professionals help your son and your family now.
Personality disorders like sociopathic personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, etc. can;t be properly diagnosed until age 18. However, these conditions are usually triggered by some sort of childhood trauma. It could be that he has an inflated need to prove himself because of his size. Children with these disorders usually experiment with petty (and more serious) crimes as they get older. Try taking him to a therapist regularly. If you are in the US, try children;s hospital. They have both inpatient and outpatient facilities as well as psychology and psychiatry offices. Usually outpatient units are where he lives and sleeps at home but he spends all day at the outpatient unit, where they;ll be able to give him the care he needs for both the CP and whatever is causing the urination and disorderly conduct.
oh, and he's two faced, so if you can do so totally discretely and WITHOUT any chance of triggering him, consider recording or much better video recording, his sociopathic behaviour he's presenting his family
I read the stories posted here and cannot believe the number of parents with similar issues. I can honestly say, I do not think step-parents or older siblings are the issue, as suggested by some posts. My daughter is an only child in our home. I am no longer with her mother and I have remarried. Her mother would visit her regularly at first then it tapered off until terminating her rights when my daughter was 8. For years she was treated for the abandonment of her mother which started long before she terminated her rights. The "professionals" then told me we were dealing with true mental illness around age 7. They had broken through the ill feelings she harbored for her mother and in my words found something darker. That is certainly how it feels. She is now on her 4th out of home therapeutic placement. According to the "professionals" working with her, we should now ignore the violent outbursts and her cutting herself. This does not begin to address the manipulation, lying, stealing, talks of killing my wife and I, or the acts of revenge she has done. The revenge comes when she does not get her way or is disciplined. We have been investigated by DSS so many times that our record with them is ruined where we live. Even though the accusations were found to be false. My daughter accused me of molesting her at age 9, also investigated and found to be false. She has repeatedly made statements that we physically abuse her. Each time she has been evaluated by doctors and no signs of physical abuse have ever been found. She has since then bit bruises on her arms and legs accusing us of biting her. This was also found to be false because the bites were too small for us to make. At 12 she told kids at school we used to let guys come to visit her and she had a baby at 10. My cousins son who was 2 at the time was "her" son in the story, and she mentioned him by name.
I could go on with an encyclopedia of things that have happened over the years but I have a question. At what point do our fears as the parent get heard by the "professionals" supposed to help our children? I live in North Carolina and mental healthcare here is a joke in my opinion. I have reached the point where I do not know how much more I can take. If my daughter is at home I feel more like I am on guard duty than being a parent. All the while, the "professionals" recommend more therapy or different medicines. None of which have had a positive outcome at all. I have been asking if there are different treatments or methods that could be tried. If my daughter was 18+ there would be a host of options. Instead we are trapped in a circle. She is home until her behavior escalates to the point it is not safe. She goes away for a while. Decides to participate in whatever program she is in when she wants to come home. Then we start over with escalating behavior. It seems they have never dealt with the cause only manage the outcome. This is flawed logic to me.
The only option being presented to us is the termination of my rights. To me that is a failure of the system. It is presented in a way to make it sound as if my wife and I will have no life while my daughter is in treatment. It does not stop the circle. It only means someone else has the responsibility of her appointments and actions. To me it means doing something I could never do. Giving up. If anyone else on this site is from North Carolina we would appreciate any programs, treatment centers, or suggestions you may have.
I could go on with an encyclopedia of things that have happened over the years but I have a question. At what point do our fears as the parent get heard by the "professionals" supposed to help our children? I live in North Carolina and mental healthcare here is a joke in my opinion. I have reached the point where I do not know how much more I can take. If my daughter is at home I feel more like I am on guard duty than being a parent. All the while, the "professionals" recommend more therapy or different medicines. None of which have had a positive outcome at all. I have been asking if there are different treatments or methods that could be tried. If my daughter was 18+ there would be a host of options. Instead we are trapped in a circle. She is home until her behavior escalates to the point it is not safe. She goes away for a while. Decides to participate in whatever program she is in when she wants to come home. Then we start over with escalating behavior. It seems they have never dealt with the cause only manage the outcome. This is flawed logic to me.
The only option being presented to us is the termination of my rights. To me that is a failure of the system. It is presented in a way to make it sound as if my wife and I will have no life while my daughter is in treatment. It does not stop the circle. It only means someone else has the responsibility of her appointments and actions. To me it means doing something I could never do. Giving up. If anyone else on this site is from North Carolina we would appreciate any programs, treatment centers, or suggestions you may have.
If you truly do believe your child is a sociopath, which is an untreatable and tragic reality, you may have to consider reporting your own child to law enforcement. This applies to some of the other parents in this thread, as awful as it sounds, but it is empirically proven that children who show no remorse, relish in deception and threaten bodily harm or death, often become violent adult criminals.
You have to ask yourself if a) you have exhausted every possible option for diagnosis, including seeing reputable specialists on child antisocial personality disorder, b) listen to their conclusions, c) weigh the seriousness of their threats and actions (killing animals, smiling at others' pleasure, drawing murder-related pictures), and d) understanding that sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is to acknowledge this horrific reality in order to save a future child, children or adults who may become victims od your child
There has long been solid evidence that molestation, some hereditary trademarks and early abandonment/lack of warmth to a baby from as young as a newborn, can lead to sociopathic behavior. Sometimes there is no way to know, often because their manipulative, compulsive lying behavior is so well-calculating that they cannot be relied on to honestly reveal past history that could help you understand. Therein lies the tragedy of sociopathy; once a child has fulfilled most of the criteria seen in adults, and if you instinctively believe they in fact are, the reasons why are almost impossible to know.
What you can do is avoid mental hospitals that do not assess the seriousness of patients in mental wards, let alone a possible child sociopath. It will accomplish nothing. They do not treat them but rather put a watch on them and await the parent or guardian to sign them out. Once you've exhausted all your energy on specialized professionals of child sociopathology, the special victims or sex crimes unit is often the next best place to turn. They are more equipped to do polygraphs to determine pathology, evaluate their danger, and bring them through the justice system with regard to their age, being a child.
So ask yourself this: do I believe in my heart and mind that I have done everything I can, and am I willing to put myself, family and strangers at risk because my child lacks a conscience and makes death threats? Is the best thing I can do for my child to report the homicide threat, with evidence of pictures, statements (recorded if possible) and psychological evaluations that support sociopathy? The danger of yourself and your other child/children is paramount in my personal opinion and I (in accordance with the psychiatric community believe sociopaths cannot be treated). You are able to pursue criminal charges against your own child if you feel they have carried out threats, made serious threats of homicide and a number of other charges that you can discuss with your local DA.
Thank you for reading and best of luck,
Jacqueline
You have to ask yourself if a) you have exhausted every possible option for diagnosis, including seeing reputable specialists on child antisocial personality disorder, b) listen to their conclusions, c) weigh the seriousness of their threats and actions (killing animals, smiling at others' pleasure, drawing murder-related pictures), and d) understanding that sometimes the best thing you can do for your child is to acknowledge this horrific reality in order to save a future child, children or adults who may become victims od your child
There has long been solid evidence that molestation, some hereditary trademarks and early abandonment/lack of warmth to a baby from as young as a newborn, can lead to sociopathic behavior. Sometimes there is no way to know, often because their manipulative, compulsive lying behavior is so well-calculating that they cannot be relied on to honestly reveal past history that could help you understand. Therein lies the tragedy of sociopathy; once a child has fulfilled most of the criteria seen in adults, and if you instinctively believe they in fact are, the reasons why are almost impossible to know.
What you can do is avoid mental hospitals that do not assess the seriousness of patients in mental wards, let alone a possible child sociopath. It will accomplish nothing. They do not treat them but rather put a watch on them and await the parent or guardian to sign them out. Once you've exhausted all your energy on specialized professionals of child sociopathology, the special victims or sex crimes unit is often the next best place to turn. They are more equipped to do polygraphs to determine pathology, evaluate their danger, and bring them through the justice system with regard to their age, being a child.
So ask yourself this: do I believe in my heart and mind that I have done everything I can, and am I willing to put myself, family and strangers at risk because my child lacks a conscience and makes death threats? Is the best thing I can do for my child to report the homicide threat, with evidence of pictures, statements (recorded if possible) and psychological evaluations that support sociopathy? The danger of yourself and your other child/children is paramount in my personal opinion and I (in accordance with the psychiatric community believe sociopaths cannot be treated). You are able to pursue criminal charges against your own child if you feel they have carried out threats, made serious threats of homicide and a number of other charges that you can discuss with your local DA.
Thank you for reading and best of luck,
Jacqueline
What happens if you refuse to take the child back into your home and you are afraid of him? Will the court system try to take your other children? Will you be put in jail due to neglect, etc.
You are so right about the Dr's seeing the good side and thinking its more the parents problem than the childs. I just get so frustrated because with every other type of disability out there, there are correct labels and then medication and strategies for what to do to actually GET HELP! With us and our children, THERE IS NONE! As much as my heart goes out to all these parents of children with Autism, I still literally feel angry when I hear all over TV of all the awareness and help groups now for Autism and so many others, but NOTHING for us because there is truly no real awareness, even for most of the professionals because they know that most therapy and medications don't work for sociopathic children. It is truly sad!
Ok first of all, I thought this was a place to share our thoughts and feelings on things with others who have similar issues, not a place to question each others parenting methods. Secondly, she is not being used as a babysitter, my husband was also outside cooking on the grill. Also, in reading back over these posts, I haven't seen any with you sharing your story. All you have done is comment on others. I came here looking for understanding and to get some insight into what other parents have had to deal with. I'm trying to do research into what may be wrong with my daughter before some small town doctor where we live trys to just dope her up on meds. If you don't have anything nice or constructive to say, then don't say anything at all, at least to me. Thank you.
My heart breaks for you. I have dealt with the same issue for 6 years with my son. He's now 19 and no longer lives with us. Stick to your guns with the mental health industry, it will be a long and difficult battle. You may have to endure the pain of being judged a bad parent, but if you do not feel safe with your child in your home then refuse to take him/her home. If your child has gotten into legal trouble, this will prove to be a blessing in disguise. I demanded that my child be placed in a treatment facility, which slowed his downward spiral and kept us safe. Get yourself into counseling immediately. Find a support group. You must find a therapist for yourself and the other members of your family. Not all children with the severe problems you've described are sociopaths, if that's any comfort. Some of the descriptions, however, are extremely similar to my son's. I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to have a therapist to help YOU through this.
I don't know if the Cp is what's causing it because my nephew is also doing a lot of these things and he has other issues such as RAD REACTIVE ATTATCHMENT DISORDER and a few other things bipolar and for him it started out with behaving poorly in school getting into fights with other kids because he stole something from them he was removed from the 5th grade class and had to be in a private classroom and when he ate lunch and recess was with the 1st graders. He stole his grandma's phone multiple times he steals from other family members tablets phones and when we finally find them he has searched pornography on the phones. So we have locks on our bedroom doors so that things can't get stolen he breaks into them he is very mean to other kids in the house especially if they get something that he can't have because he's in trouble or they try to tell on him he steals knives and exacto knives and stashed them all over the house just a few days ago I got a call from my mom (his grandma) while I was at work he had given my dog a full 10 ML syringe of Vimpat a seizure medication for my Baby sister who has Grand mal seizures he said he didn't know it would hurt her I had to then give my dog 5tsp of peroxide every 5 minutes to make her throw up he has threatened to hurt the other 2 little dogs he sneaks out in the middle of the night and goes and ding dong ditches people's houses and the lies about it when he is caught red handed. The day after he poisoned the dog he was pretending to be real tired at about 845 or 9pm so he could be sent downstairs to his room he had stolen a lighter out of his mom's purse and tried to start a piece of headphone cord on fire and set the alarms off in the house and stashed the lighter under my door which is across the hall from his and hid the burnt pieces all over his room he has been urinating in bottles and leaving them in Palin site so that they will be found and we to are at a loss we love in nebraska and the police here have told us that they can't even site him until he's 11 boys town won't take him because he is to severe a case and we can't find any relief they tell us to put him in in home counseling which absolutely does not work he fools his psychiatrist somebody please help us
You definitely need to find a psychiatrist. Don't drop the issue. Don't let them push you off.
Tonya...my son is 8 years old and doing all the things you described. He's actually stood at the foot of my bed smiling with a knife before. I've tried everything like you have to no avail and noticing that it gets worse with age. If you found a way to help your son please let me know because I could use it. He sometimes hurts his sister and finds it funny when she cries or bleeds. He's shoved her down the stairs and off bikes...I had the same thought as you
I read your post and your comments and I couldn't help but think o this article. Maybe you have seen it, but if you haven't maybe it will be a jumping off point for answers and help.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/magazine/can-you-call-a-9-year-old-a-psychopath.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all
1 Comments
Great (an kind of scary article) thanks!!!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
There are 157 posts to this topic and I have no clue which one of mine you might be referring to.
But, the fact that you think that to treat ADHD is to dope them up so they can be controlled like zombies ....makes me pretty sure you have no clue what you are talking about.
But, the fact that you think that to treat ADHD is to dope them up so they can be controlled like zombies ....makes me pretty sure you have no clue what you are talking about.
im sorry but all you want to keep saying and pushing is adhd like wow why didnt anyone think of that oh probably cause they did since like you that is what the school and drs want to say off top and dope them up so they can be controlled zomBIES when i think we know our kids better than anyone since we always around them and there is a big difference is sociopath and adhd and i think we know what it is
My 11 year old step son put his hands around my 7 year old daughters neck and squeezed hard enough to cause her to cough. She says she was just watching tv, he doesn't have a clear answer as to why he did it. He has been aggressive with her in the past. Am I crazy to think he needs therapy? Is it wrong for me to not want him around? His mother thinks this is a one time thing even after I have explained he has been aggressive before. What do I do?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh boy, I can certainly see why you feel like you are at the end of your rope. There is a lot going on here. I definitely think that seeing a psychiatrist is the best way to go. There may very well be some medical issues going on here. I think a full medical workup (including hormones) would be helpful.
This is an old write up on encopresis but the first part does explain a lot about soiling. http://www.dulwichcentre.com.au/beating-sneaky-poo-1.pdf
After that I can see signs of anything from autism to ADD to SPD (sensory processing disorder).
You need to take full documentation with you to the psyc. Especially any reports from teachers while still in school.
When you say he destroys things ... I assume he goes into a rage kind of thing. If so, how long do these last? One significant sign of bipolar is rages that last much longer then normal.
Of course things like eye contact and social contact when in elementary school are important Particularly, comments made by his early teachers K-3rd grade are important. Start writing this down now to take in with you.
This has been going on way to long. I do so hope that you will be able to get an accurate diagnosis. Please keep in touch and let us know what is going on. If you have any questions, please post. Best wishes.
This is an old write up on encopresis but the first part does explain a lot about soiling. http://www.dulwichcentre.com.au/beating-sneaky-poo-1.pdf
After that I can see signs of anything from autism to ADD to SPD (sensory processing disorder).
You need to take full documentation with you to the psyc. Especially any reports from teachers while still in school.
When you say he destroys things ... I assume he goes into a rage kind of thing. If so, how long do these last? One significant sign of bipolar is rages that last much longer then normal.
Of course things like eye contact and social contact when in elementary school are important Particularly, comments made by his early teachers K-3rd grade are important. Start writing this down now to take in with you.
This has been going on way to long. I do so hope that you will be able to get an accurate diagnosis. Please keep in touch and let us know what is going on. If you have any questions, please post. Best wishes.
I have done this to the point of them falling apart. I have taken photos of the state of his room as well as feces in his clothing and on his floor. I intend on showing the psychiatrist. I'm hoping for possible explanations......
- investing in mattress protector pads highly recommended (moisture barriers, absorb lots, easily washed), get at least 2 or 3 for convenient rotation
My son doesn't seem to fit any category precisely. He finally became violent and beat me two nights ago. He is turning 16 this month. Prior to that I never had cause to fear physical harm from him. He was taken into custody and returned to us yesterday but is facing up to nine months in a juvenile detention center. His behaviors started at a very young age:
Even after potty training he continued to wet the bed. He still continues to do this, sleeps in it to the point of my having to throw out his mattresses. He began the same behavior with defecation when he was around 12.
He will soil himself and not clean himself. There are times when I will find feces on chairs, walls, the floor. He has been complained about by fellow students for his odor. I have tried private schools, home schooling, public schools. He is highly intelligent and knows how to present himself to his instructors. It takes a little while but he begins failing.
He destroys most anything we give him. Furniture, clothing, even his carpet, walls, doors, electronics (these he seems remorseful about).
He urinates all over his room, hoards food and garbage. I will scrub his room, and I do mean scrub-carpe, walls, furniture, windows,everything-with bleach water. I will throw away bags full of garbage and ruined clothing. He will immediately begin the process of messing his room again.
He is obese and will sneak food. Frozen, in cans, it doesn't matter. We lock food in our room and buy only enough food for each day.
He refuses to socialize in any way. Sports, make friends, hobbies. His only outlets are gaming and one friend who he very infrequently sees and has known since early childhood. I have to work very hard at keeping him in my son's life.
He is overly emotional. At times his reactions seem over the top. Other times he will ignore me completely.
He can be very mean to his sister and brother to the point they ask why he hates them. It is not violence but mental and emotional abuse. They are a good deal younger, 7 and 9. I never feared for their safety until 2days ago.
He lies. About insignificant things as well as when directly confronted about specific events.
He can also be the sweetest most loving person you have ever met. He is funny and creative and kind.
He was seeing a psychologist on two seperate occasions. Neither was willingly. They gave us coping strategies. None of which worked.
I have an appointment for him with a psychiatrist next week. I had to fight for it-apparently most hospital systems want a psychologist to evaluate first. I refused and after insisting for over =20 minutes they scheduled him with the Dr. This appointment was scheduled 3 weeks ago.
There are other incedences like hitting himself, burning things, keeping a dead hamster in his pocket and telling me it was sleeping.
Writing this is very difficult. I just feel like I'm at the end.
Any suggestions as to what he may have so I can continue to research is appreciated.
Even after potty training he continued to wet the bed. He still continues to do this, sleeps in it to the point of my having to throw out his mattresses. He began the same behavior with defecation when he was around 12.
He will soil himself and not clean himself. There are times when I will find feces on chairs, walls, the floor. He has been complained about by fellow students for his odor. I have tried private schools, home schooling, public schools. He is highly intelligent and knows how to present himself to his instructors. It takes a little while but he begins failing.
He destroys most anything we give him. Furniture, clothing, even his carpet, walls, doors, electronics (these he seems remorseful about).
He urinates all over his room, hoards food and garbage. I will scrub his room, and I do mean scrub-carpe, walls, furniture, windows,everything-with bleach water. I will throw away bags full of garbage and ruined clothing. He will immediately begin the process of messing his room again.
He is obese and will sneak food. Frozen, in cans, it doesn't matter. We lock food in our room and buy only enough food for each day.
He refuses to socialize in any way. Sports, make friends, hobbies. His only outlets are gaming and one friend who he very infrequently sees and has known since early childhood. I have to work very hard at keeping him in my son's life.
He is overly emotional. At times his reactions seem over the top. Other times he will ignore me completely.
He can be very mean to his sister and brother to the point they ask why he hates them. It is not violence but mental and emotional abuse. They are a good deal younger, 7 and 9. I never feared for their safety until 2days ago.
He lies. About insignificant things as well as when directly confronted about specific events.
He can also be the sweetest most loving person you have ever met. He is funny and creative and kind.
He was seeing a psychologist on two seperate occasions. Neither was willingly. They gave us coping strategies. None of which worked.
I have an appointment for him with a psychiatrist next week. I had to fight for it-apparently most hospital systems want a psychologist to evaluate first. I refused and after insisting for over =20 minutes they scheduled him with the Dr. This appointment was scheduled 3 weeks ago.
There are other incedences like hitting himself, burning things, keeping a dead hamster in his pocket and telling me it was sleeping.
Writing this is very difficult. I just feel like I'm at the end.
Any suggestions as to what he may have so I can continue to research is appreciated.
Autism awareness is a new thing and still looked down upon as a lame excuse for bad parenting by people who don't know any better. I went through hell raising my now "tween" son with autism, despite being a soldier and supposedly having good health care. They make us jump through the same hoops to find any help, then would take it away when they thought he was getting better, which created an unstable cycle for him. Also, some professionals still privately think cold mothers are the cause, others will still doubt the diagnoses despite numerous evaluations and letters confirming the the issues we were having. Very hurtful when you are seeking help and not just ignoring the problem, to the point where sometimes you want too.
I have two children and am very affectionate, but since the age of about 9 months, my autistic son has had fits if I tried to cuddle him, would turn away if I tried to play with him or just ignore me. It hurt my feelings badly and I felt very alone due to his repeated rejections of me, so me being "cold" was not the issue at all. He's more affection now, our relationship has improved due to me never giving up on trying to get through to him, that I love him and admitting I'm not perfect, but do always do my best and he must do the same; follow the rules to the best of his ability or face consequences.
He use to have terrible tantrums, screaming, pulling his hair, banging his head on things, throwing himself around the room, over very minor things- like being told no about something. Once he reached a certain age (about 6 or 7), I told him matter of factly I would not subject me or other household members to his temper, so if he was too emotional to be around others, to go to his room until he calmed down. At first, I had to force him to leave the room. He would also ruin things in his room once he got in there, like ripping the bottom of his door off. They are obviously looking for attention when they intentionally escalate like that, so I refused to give him a reaction in those moments. I honestly think that continuing to treat him like a normal child & not letting him know how upsetting it was for me, was key to him not continuing that behavior. I would just shake my head, told him to clean it up once he'd calmed down. When it was done, it was done- I didn't bring it up again, or talk badly about him to family or friends, so as not to destroy his reputation and give him a bad image to live up to.
We still have plenty of issues, but him being destructive towards himself or the house hasn't been an issue since he was about 7yrs old. I discovered him using social media inappropriately tonight, so took his phone away, which resulted in over an hour of loud wailing while laying in his bed, ending with him puking in the toilet. He's still highly emotionally reactive, but he knows where my line is drawn in the sand and doesn't cross it.
Children like this take a lot of patience and self discipline on the parents part, regardless of what diagnoses they receive. As much as I would like to be a permissive parent, as I don't naturally like to be strict, there is no room for that. I also make sure to talk to him a lot, to explain why I do what I do and also to ask him what's upsetting him (sometimes it's not the thing we are even disciplining them over). Tonight the fit started over his phone, but morphed into something else completely. He worried no one would like him anymore, including me, so I have to reassure him I'll always love him and be there for him, but that I was angry and only because I love him, do I take the time and effort to discipline him. People that didn't love him, wouldn't bother, they would just avoid him. I explain I don't want his life to be like that, with people avoiding him his whole life, so teaching him wrong from right, was better to learn now from someone who cares about him.
Though it's been a long night, we are waking up very early, me, him and my toddler, to go enroll him on a drill team. I think that will help him make more positive friends, to feel proud of himself and introduce him to more self-discipline. Most extra's like sports are expensive and competitive, but drill teams are usually free and emphasis everyone cooperating together. We are also starting to practice breath focused meditation together, as I feel that will help him self-regulate his emotions better. Do not give up on your kids! If you can't reach them, then who can?
Building a relationship is important, discipline with no relationship built, will only result in rebellion. Something I have to remind myself of when I'm tired and don't think I have the patience. He can be a sweet kid, but he interrupts a lot and talks incessantly about singular topics that only interest him (typical for people with autism) so sometimes bonding with him in the ways that women usually do, can be difficult. I find physical activities that don't require lots of talking work best for bonding with boys, like sparring or kicking a ball around. We still talk plenty, but I don't consider that bonding time for either of us, as it's obvious with the chattering on that trying to hold conversations over mundane things can be nerve wrecking for us both.
We never know what could have caused this for our children, we like to think that will tell us anything, but often they won't. They could have been abused or molested by a trusted family member or friend, which resulted in them acting this way. Maybe it is chemical. But they are children, and if we can barely deal with them as adults, think of how scary it must for them to deal with themselves as children, especially when they act in ways that push people away, and then result in them feeling unloved. They probably have no clue what the first step would be to rectify the situation, especially if they've lost the trust and confidence of everyone in their lives. Make room for them to improve!
This isn't just coming from a parent, but from a girl who was also troubled. No one knew I was being molested from 4-12 yrs old. I acted in similar ways as a tween and young teenager to what you all are describing. My mother didn't know what to do with me and sent me away, which in my mind, sealed my fate as a bad seed. Due to her venting to family members, I also felt like an outcast in my family (and still do with extended family). I was in and out of residential treatment facilities, mis-diagnosed with all kinds of serious mental illnesses, put on medication that made me feel suicidal for the first time in my life and eventually landed in juvenile hall. Thankfully my dad and step mom reentered the picture. As they weren't involved before, they didn't hear years worth of bad things about me and being very country, didn't subscribe to much of what the doctors said anyways. Moving in with them, allowed me the room to transform into a better person, without labels and being treated as an outcast.
Aside from living in the country and discipline, they also took time out to talk to me about deeper things in life & allowed me to see adults aren't meant to be perfect. They spent time with me. I actually felt cared about for once in my life, not just my physical needs, but as a person with a soul that needed mending. I'm not overly religious, but I cultivated a strong personal relationship with Jesus in their home. It wasn't pushed on me, but the peace my step-mother spoke about it giving her had an impact. No one who knows me today, would guess I had such a storied past as a young teenager, as I'm very caring, kind and responsible. I'm also a decorated combat veteran with no mental illness, a home owner and working on my degree in social science. I'm now best friends with my mother, who I once scared badly at 12, by writing repeatedly in my diary, that I wanted her to die (I didn't, just wanted attention & was using shock to get it, knowing she read my diary). Have hope!
I have two children and am very affectionate, but since the age of about 9 months, my autistic son has had fits if I tried to cuddle him, would turn away if I tried to play with him or just ignore me. It hurt my feelings badly and I felt very alone due to his repeated rejections of me, so me being "cold" was not the issue at all. He's more affection now, our relationship has improved due to me never giving up on trying to get through to him, that I love him and admitting I'm not perfect, but do always do my best and he must do the same; follow the rules to the best of his ability or face consequences.
He use to have terrible tantrums, screaming, pulling his hair, banging his head on things, throwing himself around the room, over very minor things- like being told no about something. Once he reached a certain age (about 6 or 7), I told him matter of factly I would not subject me or other household members to his temper, so if he was too emotional to be around others, to go to his room until he calmed down. At first, I had to force him to leave the room. He would also ruin things in his room once he got in there, like ripping the bottom of his door off. They are obviously looking for attention when they intentionally escalate like that, so I refused to give him a reaction in those moments. I honestly think that continuing to treat him like a normal child & not letting him know how upsetting it was for me, was key to him not continuing that behavior. I would just shake my head, told him to clean it up once he'd calmed down. When it was done, it was done- I didn't bring it up again, or talk badly about him to family or friends, so as not to destroy his reputation and give him a bad image to live up to.
We still have plenty of issues, but him being destructive towards himself or the house hasn't been an issue since he was about 7yrs old. I discovered him using social media inappropriately tonight, so took his phone away, which resulted in over an hour of loud wailing while laying in his bed, ending with him puking in the toilet. He's still highly emotionally reactive, but he knows where my line is drawn in the sand and doesn't cross it.
Children like this take a lot of patience and self discipline on the parents part, regardless of what diagnoses they receive. As much as I would like to be a permissive parent, as I don't naturally like to be strict, there is no room for that. I also make sure to talk to him a lot, to explain why I do what I do and also to ask him what's upsetting him (sometimes it's not the thing we are even disciplining them over). Tonight the fit started over his phone, but morphed into something else completely. He worried no one would like him anymore, including me, so I have to reassure him I'll always love him and be there for him, but that I was angry and only because I love him, do I take the time and effort to discipline him. People that didn't love him, wouldn't bother, they would just avoid him. I explain I don't want his life to be like that, with people avoiding him his whole life, so teaching him wrong from right, was better to learn now from someone who cares about him.
Though it's been a long night, we are waking up very early, me, him and my toddler, to go enroll him on a drill team. I think that will help him make more positive friends, to feel proud of himself and introduce him to more self-discipline. Most extra's like sports are expensive and competitive, but drill teams are usually free and emphasis everyone cooperating together. We are also starting to practice breath focused meditation together, as I feel that will help him self-regulate his emotions better. Do not give up on your kids! If you can't reach them, then who can?
Building a relationship is important, discipline with no relationship built, will only result in rebellion. Something I have to remind myself of when I'm tired and don't think I have the patience. He can be a sweet kid, but he interrupts a lot and talks incessantly about singular topics that only interest him (typical for people with autism) so sometimes bonding with him in the ways that women usually do, can be difficult. I find physical activities that don't require lots of talking work best for bonding with boys, like sparring or kicking a ball around. We still talk plenty, but I don't consider that bonding time for either of us, as it's obvious with the chattering on that trying to hold conversations over mundane things can be nerve wrecking for us both.
We never know what could have caused this for our children, we like to think that will tell us anything, but often they won't. They could have been abused or molested by a trusted family member or friend, which resulted in them acting this way. Maybe it is chemical. But they are children, and if we can barely deal with them as adults, think of how scary it must for them to deal with themselves as children, especially when they act in ways that push people away, and then result in them feeling unloved. They probably have no clue what the first step would be to rectify the situation, especially if they've lost the trust and confidence of everyone in their lives. Make room for them to improve!
This isn't just coming from a parent, but from a girl who was also troubled. No one knew I was being molested from 4-12 yrs old. I acted in similar ways as a tween and young teenager to what you all are describing. My mother didn't know what to do with me and sent me away, which in my mind, sealed my fate as a bad seed. Due to her venting to family members, I also felt like an outcast in my family (and still do with extended family). I was in and out of residential treatment facilities, mis-diagnosed with all kinds of serious mental illnesses, put on medication that made me feel suicidal for the first time in my life and eventually landed in juvenile hall. Thankfully my dad and step mom reentered the picture. As they weren't involved before, they didn't hear years worth of bad things about me and being very country, didn't subscribe to much of what the doctors said anyways. Moving in with them, allowed me the room to transform into a better person, without labels and being treated as an outcast.
Aside from living in the country and discipline, they also took time out to talk to me about deeper things in life & allowed me to see adults aren't meant to be perfect. They spent time with me. I actually felt cared about for once in my life, not just my physical needs, but as a person with a soul that needed mending. I'm not overly religious, but I cultivated a strong personal relationship with Jesus in their home. It wasn't pushed on me, but the peace my step-mother spoke about it giving her had an impact. No one who knows me today, would guess I had such a storied past as a young teenager, as I'm very caring, kind and responsible. I'm also a decorated combat veteran with no mental illness, a home owner and working on my degree in social science. I'm now best friends with my mother, who I once scared badly at 12, by writing repeatedly in my diary, that I wanted her to die (I didn't, just wanted attention & was using shock to get it, knowing she read my diary). Have hope!
Tonja ~ wow. your situation is EXTREMELY difficult and I cant imagine all you've gone through. Logically, it seems as if you have tried to get to the bottom for your sons issues. I have questions: how is the relationship between father and son? I would not take lightly the remarks made to kill you and an infant esp. if your son has performed animal abuse (not feeding ferrets). You have a responsibility to protect all of your children, even from themselves/each other. Has this son been diagnosed? Is there medication to help curb his inclinations? Perhaps he should be put into a reform type environment like assisted living for CP diagnosis. Have you had a chance to talk to a minister/priest/rabbi concerning your sons behavior and attitude? What does the school say?
The woman's husband sounds to me like he has an extreme case of borderline personality disorder. I know, because my father was one. He tells the children those lies about their mother because of a borderline's trademark fear of abandonment. Also border line's dish out verbal abuse because of their incontrollable emotions, especially when something posses them off, and it could be literally ANYTHING that pisses them off. He also seems to blame the mother for everything in the relationship which makes sense because borderline's idolize themselves and possess an extreme Narssasisitic behavior. Unfortunately my Father's Borderline behavior and many other Borderline's behavior can be a crucial cause for the formation of a sociopath. I have become one because of him. Most of these Borderline forming Sociopath cases develop at the child's earliest age when they start excuses for anything because of their borderline parents actions. They manipulate teachers by using the stories of their childhood stories and bringing out the works by crying. In fact most sociopaths view it as a game of some sorts with everyone around them as their pieces to use at their leisure. They feel they can treat anyone like crap because of their past. There is not much you can do to stop them, therapists often find the stories they tell convincing enough to claim there is no problem and often find it difficult to pinpoint a sociopath when they see one. My best advice, being a sociopath is be a STRICT parent. Don't use threats because they can use that against you. Instead, watch them do their homework, send them to the therapist, raise them like a normal child with a small problem. Don't let their lies get past you or anyone around them, keep strict ties with anyone they interact with as to prevent manipulation. Don't make it easy for the sociopath. The peeing, is difficult to prevents, and I advise you to make the therapist aware of it as well as teachers, relatives, etc. Perhaps placing a carpet in their room, which they would view as a pawn revolting against them, the player, and most likely would tell a lie to someone for that so make everyone aware of the special carpet or whatever you put in their. as for the abusive behavior aware everyone of it and don't take it. Yank the blank put of their hands or stop them, restrain them, whatever it take. Look them square in the eye, and say "Continue this and watch what wild happen." Didn't say it in a threatening tone and make everyone aware of what you say. They may view this as a rouge pawn, a.k.a. you, but also wonder what will happen. Of course they will try it again, but repeat the phrase. Observe them, watch the one possessing they value and use it. If they threaten you as the parent take responsibility and DO WHAT A NORMAL PARENT WOULD DO. If you show them your fear they will use it against you. They are instinctively master manipulators. Remember to make everyone aware of the actions you take day by day. Make it hard for them to lie to anyone.
I wish all of you and m3168 the best of luck and hope that my advice and story will be of good use to you. Unfortunately there is no cure for something like this but if you handle the situation correctly further growth of the problem will hopefully cease. Do not call your child's issue a disease or say something is wrong with them. They need tour love and support to get through this. Not fear or a crisis. Stay strong and even get a therapist to help YOU through this tough time. If you keep a cool head you WILL get through this.
Sincerely,
A sociopath who wants to prevent more sociopaths from going through the same situation she did.
I wish all of you and m3168 the best of luck and hope that my advice and story will be of good use to you. Unfortunately there is no cure for something like this but if you handle the situation correctly further growth of the problem will hopefully cease. Do not call your child's issue a disease or say something is wrong with them. They need tour love and support to get through this. Not fear or a crisis. Stay strong and even get a therapist to help YOU through this tough time. If you keep a cool head you WILL get through this.
Sincerely,
A sociopath who wants to prevent more sociopaths from going through the same situation she did.
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