Is this Terrible 2s or Behavioral Problems?

[JBlank618]

My son is 2 years and 3 months old. He has been in this "terrible 2" stage since about 18 months. At first I thought it was just terrible 2s. It seems to be a little more severe. Not only does he throw fits in public and at home but he is very aggressive. He usually throws everything at me or hits me, or pinches, bites, anything to get his aggression out. He throws his toys when he gets mad at me or anything around. He used to hit his head on the wall when he got mad but he grew out of that stage. I can't ever get him in his car seat. It usually takes me and my husband to get him in it. He wont sit in shopping carts or high chairs. But he just screams, hits, bites, throws and almost every aggressive thing. I have seen other 2 year old kids and my son is more out of control than any other I've seen. I know all kids are different but he just seems too stubborn and aggressive. I tried time outs, removing all toys and positive things when he is in his terrible stage. And when he is good I reward him with walking to the local park or taking him somewhere he likes. I can't seem to do anything to calm him down. He does it all day everyday. I need advice on what's going on. Please don't tell me it's the terrible 2s because I've had several people ask me if there was something wrong (mentally). So I know that his behavior isn't typical terrible 2 behavior. PLEASE HELP I can't go out in public with him because he is just too much to handle. My husband will stay at home with him if I need to run to the store or anything. I tried potty training and he has started to freak out when I mention the potty so I have put that on hold for a while.

[Sandman2]

   Please understand that there is nothing wrong with your doctor saying your son has ADHD.  It does not mean he will be going on meds.  What it does mean is that you have a diagnosis and one that you can start treating.  You work with an ADHD child differently than a child without these problems. You are very correct when you say, " I don't want to overpunish him if there is something wrong."   Essentially, you need to figure out what the problem is so that you can work with him.  And working with an ADHD child is different.  You certainly don't ignore there actions - its how you deal with those actions and what you do before the actions start that are important.
   What it really means for you is that (just in case), its time to start educating yourself on ADHD.  A book I recommend a lot is "The ADD & ADHD  Answer Book," by Susan Ashley, Ph.D.   She says for example about Tantrums.
  "Toddlers are expected to have tantrums.  By age four, they should have gained skills in accepting the disappointment of not getting what they want.  Some ADHD children will throw tantrums long past their toddler years.
   Some ADHD children will hit their parents, throw objects, punch holes in wall and purposely break things.  Minor upsets of having to turnoff the television can provoke a rage far out of proportion.  You cannot make your child stop tantrums.  Therefore, tantrum-throwing children should be sent to time-outs until their tantrum is over.  Smaller children can be placed in the time-out chair."    So its a book that you might want to check out.
  However, you have also said he is a calm quiet kid around other kids.  ADHD kids cannot normally turn it on or off.  So there could be other things going on.  Best advice I have is to be very consistent with the timeouts.  It may be that he is a real headstrong kid who really wants your attention or something else.  Either way - immediate, consistent timeouts will help. He will go nuts when you do it.  That's ok.  Just say," when you get quiet, you can move."  You don't need long explanations. He won't understand it anyway.   Don't expect changes overnight, it doesn't work that way.  
  If things don't start changing soon, I would get some professional help so that you know what you are dealing with and how to treat it.  And by professional help, I don't mean his pediatrician.   Good luck  and feel free to post if you have any more questions.

[JBlank618]

Well it is a relief to know that someone understands my worries. Thanks Sandman2 and Mandys92379. I went to college for psychology and yet I just can't seem to understand what's going on with him. I always try to tell myself it's terrible 2s and he'll grow out of it but then as soon as he wakes up til the time he goes to bed it seems like he's throwing his toys, hitting me, throwing fits, and any other stressful behavior. I talk with him calmly and try explaining things but since he's a 2 year old he doesn't understand. I have been meaning to ask my dr about it but I'm scared they're just going to say it's ADD or something and prescribe him medicine. I don't want to put him on meds because I think that is just something drs too much for small children. I've thought about putting him in daycare because he's a calm quiet kid around other kids. Mandy (I'm guessing that's your name) I also cry all the time because I feel like there is something more I should be doing. I don't want to over punish him if there is something wrong but at the same time I don't want to just let him get his way... Thanks for the advice.

[Sandman2]

    Thank you, the reason I asked was that I can think of two reasons why a child would be having these behaviors (of course, there could be more).
    One reason is that it is a learned behavior.  That is why I asked about other siblings. With that out of the question, then it is possible that he has learned that this behavior works for him and lets him get his way.  Although it seems a rather extreme case of this.  The fact he does it all day, everyday is bothersome.  That leads to the ...
    Second reason, which is that he may need professional help.  Something is going on and you need help to find out what it is.  You could try the book, " SOS, Help for Parents"  - by Lynn Clark.  But if all the normal tactics don't work, then it might be time to get some professional help.   Good luck.

[Sandman2]

    Thank you, the reason I asked was that I can think of two reasons why a child would be having these behaviors (of course, there could be more).
    One reason is that it is a learned behavior.  That is why I asked about other siblings. With that out of the question, then it is possible that he has learned that this behavior works for him and lets him get his way.  Although it seems a rather extreme case of this.  The fact he does it all day, everyday is bothersome.  That leads to the ...
    Second reason, which is that he may need professional help.  Something is going on and you need help to find out what it is.  You could try the book, " SOS, Help for Parents"  - by Lynn Clark.  But if all the normal tactics don't work, than it might be time to get some professional help.   Good luck.

[mandys92379]

I feel your pain so much. I have many of the same problems with my 2 1/2 yr old. His behavior also started at 18 mos old. He was a perfect angel before that. My son is really active and his worse fits seem to come when he is doing something and has to stop. ie: to go to bed or eat. When he doesnt want to do something like get in the car seat myhusband and I also have to use brute force to get him in. When trying to controls his tantrums he has even gotten hurt. Im actually scared of my kid. Not to mention scared to take him in public. And all these people say use time outs but how do u put a child like this in time out?! It is impossible. I really feel for you and wish I could give advice. I cry all the time about this. I feel like a failure as a parent. But I now feel a lil better knowing Im not the only one going through this. Thanks.

[JBlank618]

No he is an only child.

[Sandman2]

Are there any other children in your family?  If so how old are they?

[JBlank618]

Yes his father is in the picture. He does work during the day. His tantrums are at home and in public. He talks fairly well for a 2 year old I'd say. He repeats everything I say so I'd say he's right on track with talking. I can't ever calm him down. I'll tell him if he calms down we'll go to the park or somewhere he likes but he doesn't understand. As far as public goes he doesn't get scared around people but if I take him around other kids he doesn't usually like playing with them he'll usually keep to himself. He isn't scared just unsure. I have considered putting him in preschool/daycare just a couple days a week to socialize around more kids. He is very aggressive with me. He'll just come up and hit me or throw things at me for no reason. I am a very calm person so I am not sure where it comes from. I know that the 2s are hard but his behavior is scary at times. He was a fussy baby.

[specialmom]

Hello.  Well, 2 is a tough age, no doubt and there is great variability amonst 2 year olds.  But you describe a situation in which your boy seems extreme with his behavior.  It is hard to say exactly what is going on.  How is his speech?  Some kids have a difficult time communicating and that makes for a frustrated child that has a hard time controling emotions.  And also speech issues are indicitive of something more going on.  There are things like sensory integration disorder (my oldest child has this) that can cause a child to be challenging as well as other things.  (Sensory is an issue with the nervous system not processing things correctly.  Something that does not bother most people is  terrible to a sensory kid.  They also have a very hard time self soothing or being soothed in general.)  
If you give some more details about him--------  is his aggression mainly in public or is it all day every?  Does anything precipitate the meldown?  Does he have trouble in crowds in which he becomes overwhelmed?  Etc.

I am not minimizing your concerns at all.  I think they are valid but would need some more information to offer any input.  Is Dad in the picture?  Does anything ever work?  etc.