Kindergarten Social/Emotional issue

[bay0518]

My son is currently in K. From starting the school, I got several calls from his teacher complaining about his emotional control and behavior issue. Teacher stated that he often tantrums (crying and running away) when he did not get his own way. She was afraid this kind of behavior will impact on his ability of learning and friendship developing. However, I do not receive the same complaint from other activities (preschool, after school, chinese school and karate) he participates. He is the only child at home so he does not have too much competition at home. Therefore, I believe that he may be stubborn sometimes when he does not get his way, but he is also willing to give in if you can convince him. When he gets upset or conflict, he usually runs away and stays by himself (crying or claming down at the corner of room or somewhere quiet in the house) until he is ready to go back.
Recently I received the progress report for the first half of school year. The report from his ESL teacher is great. She said that he is good learner and willing to share and enjoy learning with classmates. However, the regular report from his home teacher stating problem of social skills which she mentioned to me over several phone calls. She thinks the behvaior/self-control is more like 4-year-old and ability to adjust to new siaution also needs improvement. She wants me to speak to pediatrician. Teacher said that they use conscious discipline method to help my son and also design a place that he can clam and release his emotion. However, he seems not really avail to all above effort. Should I concern about his social/emotion control skill issue here? Anything I can do to help to improve?

[bay0518]

Thanks for providing such useful information. by reading through your comments, I start to review what I observed. I do ask him to do chore and help out with household stuffs. He bath himeself daily (I wash his hair only) ,brush his own teeth morning and night and feed himself as well as his fishes. Most of time my husband comes home late and I also work full time so that my son is my only helper at home. Even during our trip to my home country, he was a great helper by pulling one of the carry-on luggage (adult size) and been very behaved during 18 hour flight. I think the reason that I can easily convince him is because he cares about my feeling and he wants to please me most of time. When I say "can you help me...", he will be very happy to do anything I ask. Also he listen and behave really well in Karate. They have been very strict on discipline and authority.
ESL teacher only works with 2 kids in the class when she does push-in and I did not see any complaint for the behavior on her report. Home teacher once also mentioned over the phone that my son tends to tantrum more when he does not know his expectation. With more attention and help from ESL teacher, he can focus on his work and more cooperative.
I just went back and review the report again. The area teacher mentioned that she has concern about is listed below:

1. Accept correction appropriately
2. Adjust to new situation
3. Practice self-control
4. Is courteous in speech and action
5. Resolve personal conflict appropriately

[tiredbuthappy]

So, to me it seems as though your child's behaviors are not meeting age expectations. That seems to be all around- both Chinese school and regular school. It's not that there is necessarily some thing "wrong" but the teacher is right to be concerned because these behaviors are not safe. It is not typical for a child to refuse to participate in part of the day. These behaviors are more prominent in some environments than others, but do exist all around. There are several possibilities, and therefore many options in front of you.

It is possible he is simply less mature for his age and needs time. If this is the case, you need to remain in close contact with the teacher, as there are concerns for next year as well. And just because it is "normal" for him to be immature, it does not make it functional in a school setting. You have to listen to what the teacher says in regards to this. You also need to raise your expectations of him at home to help him mature. Expect him to have chores and responsibilities, dress himself, feed himself, etc. Nothing is extreme- these are recommendations for the parents of any kid this age.

It is possible it is related to being an English language learner. I would work  more with the ESL teacher. If she is doing push-in with him, she would be seeing these behaviors. If he doesn't do these behaviors with her there, then it may be indicative of him needing more help and attention in the classroom.

It is possible there is a developmental concern. I would follow through on any appointments the teacher wants to make to rule this out. If there is no problem, then none will be found. If there is, then it can be addressed. However, I would ask the teacher for a specific list of concerns to bring to the pediatrician. You can't just go and say the teacher says he doesn't listen. There are many conditions that can cause a child to behave in the ways you describe. There can be sensory processing problems, social anxiety problems, other developmental problems. Nothing jumps out based on your description, but you can rule it out to appease the teacher. If the ped rules problems out, you can move on to the next step with the teacher.

My final thought goes back to home. You seem to dismiss these behaviors as "normal" so I wonder if your expectations at home are high enough. You say he is stubborn but you can convince him to do stuff. There really shouldn't be an opportunity to negotiate many things in the home. Teachers will not negotiate and bribe, so if he is used to it from home, it is much harder to transition to a group setting at school. Of course, I may not be interpreting what you say correctly (and please don't be offended if I did) but it is something to consider.

[bay0518]

Thanks for your input. My son's ESL teacher works with them in the class daily (pull-in) and have additional 2 pull-out sessions (30 mins each) per week. ESL pull-out class is relatedly small comparing with their regular class. Chinese school has bigger size (20 kids) than his kindergarten (19 kids), but it's only once a week (2 hours). He did run out of class once at the beginning of chinese school, but he has been doing fine after he gets famailar with teacher and classmates. However, sometimes he is still not willing to cooperate when they play games at the end of the day (he has no issue sit down and listen to teacher). The teacher in chinese school did not force him and let me do what he wants during that period of time as long as he did not disturb the group. After he watching them playing for a while, he will join sometimes. I also ask my son if he likes he K teacher and he also told me YES.
Another thing to metioned here is that I know another parent from his K class and she also mentioned that teacher ask them to speak to pediatrician as well. Her son is completely opposite type of my son. Very shy and quiet. Teacher said her son does not respond, does not get involved and only play with my son, but they did not put her son in ESL program. They did talk to pyschologist and doctor sees no issue as well. That gets me wonder seems this teacher likes to suggest parent to see pediatrician.

[tiredbuthappy]

I work with 4 and 5 year olds. The behaviors you describe (running away from a situation and crying) are definitely considered immature even for my age group. We work hard on problem solving skills. To me it sounds like your son's teacher is actually doing a great job trying to help him and make accommodations like providing a space for him to calm down. In my experience, teachers who are willing to try accommodations are the ones who acknowledge reasonable developmental differences and would be less likely to rush a child to the pediatrician unless something seemed to be very off. If these accommodation aren't helping, then she may be right. It seems she is not necessarily saying something specific is wrong, just that his reactions in a large group setting are immature. It does make me wonder what size his ESL class is. If it is a smaller group, one might suspect social anxieties. The fact that he is an English Language Learner, does better in ESL class (which is either smaller or makes accommodations specific to ELs), and in Chinese school tells me that being in a traditional class may be overwhelming to him.

So, here is what I would do. I would try to get a conference with you, his teacher, and his ESL teacher. I would discuss together what strategies seem to work for him, and what accommodations can be made in class to help him. Ideally, the ESL class should be preparing him for whatever lessons the teacher has planned. Unfortunately, this does not occur in many schools. I would also see if you can find out from his teacher in advance what topics or books she will be covering so that you can prepare him with vocab he needs. Taking some of the academic/language pressure off may ease some of these social/emotional issues.

by the way, I am also ESL certified and the population I work with is primarily english language learners :)

[specialmom]

In all honesty, having two children go through kindergarten recently, it is on the immature side to cry easily and run away. I spent a lot of time in the classroom and it was typically the same one or two kids that had these types of episodes.  Not that this is a bad thing-----  but why the teacher notices it.  I noticed it too as room mom of the class.  

I am not sure what the teacher is implying for you to talk to the doctor about.  Your child does fine everywhere except this class.  And academics are on target.  If he always had trouble in specific situations, that would be one thing.  But he doesn't.  My boy was very different in school verses home, very different and he has sensory integration disorder.  BUT, he had trouble in various ways outside of school as well.  It wasn't just school.  

So, I'd honestly just work on the things you have been with some of the above situations and wait and see what next year is like.  New teacher, new impression of him.  If THAT teacher starts coming to you, then you can look at it harder.  

but my guess is that your child is just simply immature and not coping great with the stress of 'real' school environment.  I think time and some extra tools under his belt to cope will both really help him.  Give him some time to mature a bit.  

One other thing, some kids respond really well to some extra physical activity.  It helps with emotional control as the physical activity has a calming affect on the nervous system.  I'd get him out running, playing physical games a bit more than he does now----  even if he already does a good deal.  Do a bit extra.  good luck and hang in there.

[bay0518]

Thanks for your great input. I did buy some children books for emotion expression when I first heard from his teacher regarding his emotional control weakness. I was so concerned because teacher called me 3 times for the same issue in 4 weeks and suggest me to speak to doctor twice. My son pediatrician seems not having big concern on it, but the teacher was concerned a lot.
For peer interaction, he is doing fine and has lots of friends from preschool and K. I even heard from some parents that their kids only like to play with my son. Therefore, I think his behavior does not cause any serious impact on friendship developing like what teacher said in the report. He is not aggressive even when he tantrums. He likes to run away and be alone, but not disturb or hit other people. I think it's quite normal and natural, but teacher thinks it's under age behavior. I will try to find some more books that talking about social skills and see if he will improve for the rest of school year. Thanks.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Please don't feel alone.  MANY kids have a rough time adjusting to kindergarten and "real" school.  It is not uncommon for kids to be at different levels of maturity at those young ages.  Your son may just be on the immature side.  Is he young for  his class by the way?  

I would look at the teacher contacting you as  not complaining so much as concerned for the welfare of your son.  I do believe most kindergarteners are pretty tolerant of one another, however, sometimes a child will have enough outbursts and social skills issues that friends tend to stay away a bit.  You don't want that to happen for your child!  Neither does his teacher.  So, I'd look at this as an opportunity to help your son.  It says nothing bad about him that he needs a little extra help . .. I promise.

Things you can do-----  go to the library and get books on emotions.  They write many for kids using kid language to describe feelings.  These are really terrific for a child to start thinking about how they are feeling rather than just reacting.  It also helps them with appropriate language to use when they are upset.  You can have dialogue with him about how he feels when he does have one of these tantrums.  Then go into the area of discussion about OTHER things he can do besides what he has been doing.  If he likes a 'cool down' spot at home, then get one set up at school.  The teacher doesn't have to single him out but tell the whole class that they will have a cool down spot (a small pop up tent is good, a barrel that a child can crawl in, under a table, a bean bag in a corner, a rocking chair in a corner, etc. are all good in a classroom) and if a child feels upset, they can go there and not be bothered for a few minutes while they get themselves calmed down.  Also give other alternatives like deep breathing, counting, opening and closing fists, giving yourself a great big, strong hug (that pressure is calming), or best, use words calmly to explain why you are upset.  Role play this for him.  Another great classroom activity is to have each child use finger paints and put their hand prints on paper.  Then they can write their name by it and the teacher can hang them around the room. When a child (your son) gets upset, she can say "oh, you look upset.  Why don't you go use your helping hands" and then he goes to the hands and pushes against them.  This pressure of pushing against them is calming to the nervous system and directs his energy into 'doing' something to let the stress out.  I love the "helping hands" and have even used them at home.  

For peer interaction, I would start just working on some basic social skills at home.  This means talk about things like 'being a good sport".  So when he wins, he tells he other players "good job" and if he loses, he tells the other player "congratulations, good game".  Play games that he will not win at all the time.  This is important.  I think when we have kids, we do a great job of building their egos but forget that we have to teach them how to be disappointed gracefully.  I'd make him share things with you.  Trading is a good way to do it, ask to look at something he is playing with but have something else to hand him.  Also, play games with him and YOU make up some of the rules and how things go.  We are our kids first play mates----  we have to act like a peer in order to have them mesh well outside of the home.  Taking turns is another thing to work on.  Work on these skills at home in fun ways.

Then start having more play dates with his peers.  Pick only one child at a time and keep the play date short, an hour and a half to two hours tops.  Be right there with them to help things along.  Then your son can practice these skills with peers.  You will see that the dynamics of two kids together are such that each has to be somewhat flexible at times.  So, you can help him along.  Have a good snack for both kids (snacks go a long way for kids to think they are having a blast!).  Do this at least once a week.  

Anyway, I think your boy will be fine but you want him to start off feeling really good about school and successful with not only his school work but friends as well.  So, just work on some of these skills and see if it helps.  good luck!