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Avatar universal

Lack of remorse

I have an eight year old stepson.  He is well behaved in the general ways, rarely gets in trouble at school, etc.  However, he continually breaks the little rules around the house.  Sometimes we feel we are too strict, but if we do not enforce punishment, the behavior continues and gets worse and worse.  He has admitted that if he is not punished for not following a rule, he will not follow it.  We try to appeal to him by explaining why the rule is there and how it affects the entire family.  He nods and agrees, but the behaviour never changes.  We feel like we are always punishing, but don't know what else to do.  He also shows no remorse and only appologizes when prompted and only cries when he is scared he is going to get in trouble, never out of empathy or remorse.  Is this behavior normal for a boy of his age?  Any suggestions on what we can do differently?
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Avatar universal
I think I know what you are saying. This is just the beginning of actual destructive behavior. My daughter started out the same way as your son. She now is so out of control, she has thrown my sons down the stairs, pulled knives on several family members, even has violated my youngest son. She has no remorse. She can tell you she has done all these destructive things but doesn't feel bad about it. It starts with not following the rules and being lazy then it leads to consequences for their actions. When my daughter  goes to time out she spends that time thinking about what her next move is or listening to a tv show in the next room. She never uses T.O for the intended purpose. We are working on getting he into  GROUP HOME NOW IT HAS BEEN A LONG 6years.
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Avatar universal
Did you punish your messy one when they didn't do what they were supposed to?

No - he was naturally "messy" (just like his father).  But, with a child like this, you can never "let things slide" because to them, these things are just not important at all.  Getting angry will be harder on you than on him.  Have you tried putting other consequences to his actions like not watching TV or having access to the computer or video games until certain things are done?  But, he will always be more "trouble" to raise" - just the way he is genetically put together.  By the way, our "messy" son tends to be more of a visonary or broad thinker than his neater/detail oriented brother and has done very well financially in the business world. Hopefully your stepson will find his "niche" in life.  All the best ...
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for your response!  Did you punish your messy one when they didn't do what they were supposed to?  My stepson has admitted that he will not do what he is asked if there are no repercussions for his actions.  It is a very cyclical battle.  He doesn't do what he is supposed to, he gets in trouble, he starts to do a lot better, we try to let some things slide, he reverts back to not doing anything, he gets in trouble.  We know that we aren't being unreasonable in our requests because he is capable of doing what he is told if he knows he will get in trouble.  We just wish he would do it because we asked and because he is a part of this family.
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Avatar universal
Oh - sounds like what eight-year old boys do.  If he is doing O.K. at school, has friends, and appears happy, then I would say you're creating a mountain out of a molehill.  As for suggestions to help him be more compliant - perhaps others on this board might be able to help in this area.  As an aside - I raised one son who always was neat and tidy and compliant; and another son who was rarely neat or tidy or compliant - it was just part of each son's nature - loved them equally.  By the way, both turned out just fine.  All the best ...
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13167 tn?1327194124
I don't think any of those things would make a child feel "remorse".  Children usually show remorse when someone is hurt by their actions - they are playing too rough and break  a precious item,  carelessly throwing rocks that hit another child in the eye,  forgetting to refill the hamster water bottle and the hamster dies,  etc.  Being lazy doesn't usually drive kids to remorse.

All the things you suggest here are habits of sloppiness or laziness,  which I think are pretty low on the scale of objectionable behaviors.  

If there are things that he's doing that actually hurt anyone else,  either hurt their feelings or hurt them physically,  you can foster remorse by not leading with accusations but lead with sadness.  "Oh no,  poor Janie!!  Oh no look at her poor eye!"  Rather than an accusatory "I told you not to throw rocks and you did and now look what happened",  which usually is met with defensiveness.

Do you have other children in the house?
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Avatar universal
Sorry, not cleaning up after himself, not washing in the shower, putting clean clothes in the hamper b/c he doesn't feel like putting them away, not cleaning his room when he is told, etc.
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Avatar universal
However, he continually breaks the little rules --  your words

Any examples?  Not sure what you're trying to say ....
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