bedtime routines

[Chelleleigh]

My stepdaughter, Lindsay, is having difficulty with sleeping at her mothers. Short history:my husband and I have been dating since she was only one year old. Same for her mother and step-father. My bedtime routine in the past 5 years has not changed.  She will be 6 in 3/02)Both sets of parents married this past year. However, her father and I purchased a house in 1999.  Right or wrong, we lived together, mainly to not upset her routine once we were married. Her mother did not. However, while on their honeymoon, Lindsay stayed with us. She was extrememly upset that once her mom and Howie returned, she was never going to be able to sleep with her mother again. She has done so since she was an infant. At our house, I always put her in her bed,but I read to her and say her prayers as she falls asleep.If she wakes up, I return her to her room, stay a few minutes, she's asleep. Since her routine changed at her mom's, she has thrown tantrums, etc., and only sleeps for a few hours, and starts again. ONLY at her mom's. Here, it's as it always is. Her mom is trying (we are all great friends by the way), but nothing works.She has threated to take away horseriding(she's been going since she was 2).I feel this is wrong. I feel her routine has been upset, her security with just her and her mom.There was no transition to NOT having her sleep with her. Now she is being "punished" for not being able to adapt. I must also say that I feel Linds is tired; she is up at 6:30a for school, and on M, T, W has aftershcool activities until 5-6:30p. Long day for a 5 year old. We all want what is best.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

She's making it clear what is bothering her, and this will take time to settle, as long as everyone is resolute that the sleeping arrangements will remain what they are. Her schedule likely has very little to do with the bedtime issues - they are two separate things. Her mother's method of handling the during-the-night episodes is generally fine, but it will ultimately be important to eliminate the component of staying with her until she falls asleep - she'll only continue to rely on this. Some incentive should be established for staying in her own bed and falling asleep without company. The reward has to be modest, but important to her. And the reward should be given each day she succeeds in the goal. Such behavioral systems motivate children to overcome thier reluctance.

[Chelleleigh]

Thank you for your response. To go into more detail; her mother decided to take my advice and read to her and just BE there until Linds fell asleep. NOT to sleep with her (then you have to re-establish that her bed is not yours). However, Linds would wake up every two hours, her mom would walk her to bed and again stay there. This appeared to be working, then her mother got upset and decided that she would not do this anymore. Again, another routine upset. Her mother is really concerned, but after repeated tantrums, she gets angry. SHE is the one who faces this every night; not me. So I can see how it would get "old" quick. However, my concern is still Linds. She sleeps very well here. She doesn't wake up, no tantrums, etc. The only time she has EVER been allowed to sleep with me, is if it is after 6:30a (on weekends). If she crawls in bed with me, she will sleep until 10-11 am!!!!!! Again, I feel she is exhausted from 12 hour days repeatedly. I could be wrong. As I stated before, she takes dance on M, Kindermusic on T, and horseback on W. She will soon be s tarting soccer on Saturdays. I feel this is too much. There is no 'down" time. Once home, she eats, bathes, and MAYBE has time to read a story before bedtime. I don't want to continue to see her punished, if it is something we,(all four of her parents) are doing wrong.  When each of us decided to get married, as I said, Jim and I bought a house. It wasn't planned, it just sort of fell in our laps. Our wedding day, was just another day for Linds.  Her ROUTINE didn't change simply because we got married. At her mom's it did. Her mom is trying, and again, we all want to do the right thing.  Linds really needs her sleep, and we can tell that a few hours here and there are really taking their toll. Can you be more specific with things to try to attempt to correct this problem? I feel she is just rallying for her mother, because she feels "replaced".  She wants what she had before the marriage.  Linds has commented to me that Howie gets to sleep with mommy, and now she can't. That he has more or less replaced her.  Hard thing for a 5 year old to understand.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The notion of trying to determine some incentive to motivate her to accomodate to the new routine is sensible, though holding the horseriding up as the incentive may be too severe and feel more like punishment than incentive. She is undergoing a big change, and will need patience and support, but also resoluteness, to accomplish this. It's a balance between sensitivity/support and firmness/resolve.