My 10 year old has anger issues and I’m not sure what to do.

[Kfe1ef]

So my 10 year old daughter has anger issues and has for a while now. She has like no patience whatsoever for anything it seems like. Anytime she try’s to do anything and she doesn’t get it right the first time, she ends up getting mad, throwing whatever she has in her hand and sometimes ends up crying. I tell her to just walk away and breath then when she is ready to try again and she blows up yelling and screaming at me and ends up throwing it away. I can’t seem to get her to realize that the way she blows up and stresses over every little thing is not good for her but she tells me she can’t seem to help that she gets so anygry all the time. I’m not sure what to do to help her.

[specialmom]

I agree that the best time to help provide coping skills is at the good moments.  This is when she can listen.  And acting them out with what you CAN do and CAN'T do (even making the can'ts funny helps) really can be impactful.

But this is a change in behavior for her.  That makes me wonder what is going on.  School more challenging? Kids being mean at school?  At 10, she also may have hormones kicking in (good times).  Opening communication about these things may help too.  Is she a perfectionist by the way?

[Kfe1ef]

She is with some things and some things she isn’t. Like she is a straight A student and strives to be the best in school and in her soccer and cheer. I’ve asked her why she get so angry and she always tells me that she doesn’t know why.  :(

[Sandman2]

There seem to be two things going on here.  One is why she is getting so angry and two is how to handle that anger.  Part two may be easier to deal with as there are good methods that the books I suggested  will help with.
  I think that the why will be more difficult. But, what can be done is for her and you to realize when this anger is coming on and then to deal with/stop it before it envelopes you.  As a soccer coach, I use to get panic attacks.  Almost passed out once or twice on the sidelines.  When I figured out what was going on, I learned a simple strategy to deal with the attacks.  After awhile, I could stop the panic attack and continue on without much effort.  Now, a panic attack is easier to deal with then anger - but the same things work.  Learning to recognize it and then dealing with it.

[Kfe1ef]

Oh ok. That makes so much sense!! After I saw your post yesterday, I ended up ordering the books online and am just waiting for them to come in. So thank you for that suggestion so much! Here’s a question......if she can’t tell me why she keeps getting angry when she does, how will I know? I mean that by, like when I see her get angry, it’s usually at something she is making, building, her homework that she gets  a wrong answer or isn’t doing it right or a new toy that she can’t figure out right away. So I know those are causing her to get so mad, but how Can I identify like why she gets that mad about those things? I hope that makes sense.

[Sandman2]

I think the "why" will take some time.  But, the "how"  learning to deal with it will be easier.  When you get the books, they will give strategies to deal with anger.   What you then need to do is to role play situations and responses to those situations.  It can literally become a game.  Tell her to pretend she is getting angry ....now what can you do?  And practice that response.  Again and again.  It is important to do this first when she is not angry.
   Another technique - I can't remember if it is in the books - is to have a scale of anger.  So they can learn to say I am at a 3 (out of 5).  The point is for them to become aware of just how angry they are.  I'll see if I can find more on this.
  Let me know how the books work.

[Kfe1ef]

Ok thank you so much for your help!!

[Sandman2]

The problem is that you are giving her techniques after she has blown up.  You/she need to deal with this before she has erupted.  If you can realize anger is coming on then you have a chance to deal with it.  Its pretty tough to do when you are in the midst of an anger attack.

There are some good books aimed at this age group.  A good example is linked below.  Buy it, read it with her, practice the steps with her.  Also on this link you will see several other suggested books that will be helpful.  Remember, you are going to essentially help her brake a habit.  It will not happen overnight.   The link is
      https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Rant-Rave-Wednesdays-Anger-Control/dp/0933849540/ref=pd_cp_14_1?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=MRQ3KJCKHAZS6QHRK37A

   Hope this helps.  Best wishes.

[Kfe1ef]

Thank you so much!!!