my 5 year old son and his male cousin

[concernednick]

My almost 5 year old son and his 4 year old male cousin were "caught" buttoning pants back up by the 4 year old's mom. When asked, they said they were playing a "game". The 4 year old's mom said "don't ever do that again" (according to my son). I confronted my son very delicately and he volunteered to me that they were licking each other's private areas as a game. I asked him where he learned that and he said they made it up. I asked him if he'd seen it somewhere or had someone else ever done that to him...which he said no. I stayed calm and told him I'm not mad and I don't think he's a bad boy, but that he really should not do that because those are their own private areas, only to be touched by themselves. I never ever have anything on t.v except for cartoons when he's awake, I've never watched a porn movie in my life. I don't know where he got this "game" from. I don't fear that anyone is hurting him at all because I truly feel my son would tell me if that was the case. I make sure I let him know that he can tell my anything.
I am a gay woman, not partnered at the moment and haven't been since my split with my son's other "mommy" whose nephew this was doing this with my son. Therefore, I have no concerns at all that he stumbled in on me and anyone in the middle of the night. My ex's sister is the 4 year old's mom and she is very upset and I truly fear she will not allow my son around his cousin anymore...which I think is only more hurtful to both of the children, unless it continued of course. And I'm also afraid this is going to lead her to think my son is some sort of pervert or that I'm raising him to be gay or something crazy like that.
This whole scenario is upsetting to me. I know children experiment...I did when I was little and I think a lot of children do, but do children do things to the extent of licking certain body parts? Or should I be concerned about some underlying problem? Should I take my son to a child psychologist? Or see what happens in the future?
please help
Thanks
-N

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You are displaying sound judgement in your management of this situation. It is precisely the kind of guidance that is warranted.

[concernednick]

Thank you for the response. I was very concerned as to where my son may have picked up on this behavior. I have asked him if this was ever done to him, or if he saw it on t.v. or heard someone talk about it...he said no to all of the above. But, I did remember that last Sunday when I took him to a playgroup that we belong to, he witnessed two of the dogs at the house licking each other (in the area which my son views to be the private area on an animal) and he asked me, "Mama, what are they doing?" My response at that time was "sometimes dogs just lick each other honey" I didn't think anything of it then, but now I wonder if maybe I should've responded differently? My son was very honest and direct with me as to the details of the incident and I do believe that he has never witnessed this kind of thing elsewhere, so I am wondering if maybe it was the dog incident that put the idea in his head, even if he wasn't really aware that that was it.  I have told him that it's not appropriate behavior to do that with anybody, whether it's a child or an adult...that his private areas are HIS private areas and nobody should be touching him like that, even if he may think it feels good. So, I guess I'm just going to keep an eye on the situation, see if his normal everyday behaviors change at all, or if I hear of any more happenings. I also told the other mom involved that if these children are ever together playing, she really should just make sure they are not alone for any long periods of time...that she should keep them with her and not alone a lot.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

While it is possible that the two boys devised the plan to lick each other's penis, it is more likely that this behavior was somehow introduced to one of them. Of course, there is no way to tell for sure if this occurred unless one of the boys says so. At the moment you are anticipating a  number of negative consequences deriving from the episode - be careful about assuming that various negative developments will occur. Take it as it comes - there is no use convincing yourself of bad things that have yet to happen. On the basis of this incident alone there is no need to seek professional intervention. Keep your eye on things, and if there are additional problems a consult with a pediatric clinician might be useful. You have addressed the situation directly with your son in a sensible, straightforward way. You might take a look at some of the children's literature available in your local library or in larger book stores (often in the family health section). Such literature helps children learn about appropriate vs. inappropriate physical contact, and helps them develop the ability to recognize (and respond to) situations in which unacceptable sexual or other physical contact might present itself.