5 Year Old Step Son

[784malchoff]

My wife and I cannot find an even ground when it comes to discipline of her 5 year old son.  I have almost no tolerance for a child that does not listen to their parents but do understand that with all children “not listening” will happen from time to time.  However I feel my step son has become very clever in ways to get around from doing what he is asked such as putting his dirty clothes in the wash room or getting ready for school.  Recently we’ve been trying to teach him to tie his own shoes since he is now in kindergarten and goes to school every day.  It is my attempt to have him tie or go as far as he can on his own (in regards to tying his shoes) each morning as we get him ready for school.  He will go out of his way to find other unnecessary things to take up his time and leave no time for putting on his shoes; he will sometimes take 5 minutes to just get his shoes on his feet.  Then at the last minute either my wife or I will have to tie his shoes for him so we don’t’ miss the bus.

The shoes are just one example, I feel he has become lazy in regards to doing what little chores or tasks we ask of him.  Normally my wife gives up on him or we have to force him do what is asked.  This is where my wife and I disagree the most.  I feel and FEAR that my stepson having no consequences for not listening or allowing him to be lazy will have devastating effects later in life.  Is it possible I’m expecting too much from a 5 year old?

[tsnowe123]

I KNOW you do not wan to hear this, but I my self, I have 2 boys and 1 girl.... I think it is a boy thing... I also talked to the school counselor, and he said the same thing.... Don't give up!!  Also, I posted something on "step-mother"s question, there is some good advice, please read... I it is not exacltly the same, but I think you will get some good things out of it :) keep us up to date..

[tsnowe123]

I know you don't really want to hear this, but having 2 boys and one girl... I believe,

[Danale]

I am sure this must be frustrating for you but I do think your expectations of your stepson are not age appropriate.  Many if not most 5 year olds do not know how to tie shoelaces and perhaps the reason he takes so long to put on his shoes is not laziness but he is afraid of failure.  Instead, like other people have suggested, why not get him shoes with velcro and set him up for success, he may just surprise you with a task he can accomplish and put his shoes on himself!

I am sure it is difficult that you and your wife are not agreeing but in the end she is his mother and you need to take your cues in disciplining from her and be consistent with whatever your approach is.  One thing is for certain if you and your wife are not consistent and have different expectations from your stepson, then he is sure to find the way to take control of the situation and probably make himself a pain in your backsides.  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It does sound like you are expecting too much from your son as far as the example of the shoes goes. Now, in a broader sense, of course children should be expected to do what parents tell them. However, it is perfectly normal for children to not comply the first time something is said. All it takes, really, is one repeat of the direction, followed by a brief time out if the child does not then follow the direction. If we as parents get in the habit of repeating directions over and over, we essentially teach the child not to take us seriously. In addition, as parents issue directions over and over, it is likely that the parent's anger will increase and this is not a good thing. So, children should do what their parents tell them to do - no argument there. But it does sound like you should adjust your expectations about what a child of five should be expected to accomplish.

[RockRose]

A lot of 5 year olds don't have the ability to tie their own shoes.    When my kids were 5,  they were in velcro clasp shoes.

He doesn't know how to do it,  784.  Why not give him shoes he can put on himself (they're everywhere in the market for that age kid!) and stop pressuring him to tie his own shoes?

You're expecting too much.  This is a real problem with men who aren't the child's father who are with the child's mother.  They don't understand  a chlid's limitations, and they don't have  lot of tender feelings for the child.  Especially boy children.