My 7 yo daughter won't go to sleep, this has worsened since my husband's and my divorce

[Insane mama]

My "almost" 7yo daughter gives me hassel EVERY night right before I am ready to walk out of the room. "Going to sleep" has always been an issue but has worsened lately. My husband and I are divorcing and I know that is a major "unsecure" feeling for her but she manages to do or complain of something resulting in a paddle every night after she is in bed. I have tried letting her sleep with her 9yo brother because she uses the excuse her room is scary. She comes in my bed in the middle of the night, calls daddy every night, promises/rewards/bribery/threats, planning sessions, keeping a routine, extra love and attention (esp. at night) EVERYTHING! Before our separation my husband began singing "their song" at night when he put them to bed, something he never did before. Now she uses that as a way of trying to get out of going to sleep (he wasn't around much before the divorce and now he is on overkill.) She is worse after she sees him and does not do this at his house. He wasn't all warm and fuzzy in the past like he is trying to be now. I try not to place all the issues on this divorce, but I am at my wits end. I don't say anything about her dad. I don't want to yell or paddle her every night-I only want peace and for her to go to bed without hassel at night. This is not fair to my 9 yo either. I love my daughter (show her lots of love, even more so lately)and I know divorce is a bad thing, but this has to stop, I can't take it, and I am tired of crying every night because of it. HELP!

[socgirl]

i see...that makes sense

[RockRose]

Insane,  when I was about 7 my father left to go fight in Viet Nam.  He was an airforce pilot,  and I was very very close to him,  and I missed him more than I could tell you when he left.  

I had had trouble sleeping all my childhood,  it was hard to get me to bed,  but when he left it went out of control.  I couldn't sleep.  I'd try to do things I'd think would help,  like rock in bed,  and sing to myself,  and get up and get innumerable glasses of water,  and turn on/turn off nightlights,  and ask to sleep with my sister,  and sleep with my mother,  and watch TV until I fell asleep on the couch next to my mom.  Every night.    I wasn't in my own bed until after midnight for months.  My aunt came and stayed with us for awhile, and once I was singing in my bed and I looked up,  and she was in my doorway.  She just said,  "you miss your daddy so much".   I did.  I didn't even know,  until she said that,  how obvious it was to everyone else.  

The thought of someone coming into my room during this,  and paddling me for doing those things brings tears to my eyes.  I was reading your post,  sentence after sentence,  remembering and thinking of what I might say to you that would help,  when I came across the I paddle her every night line.  

She is doing what she can to comfort herself.  Good for her!  Instead of lying in a heap crying,  or shutting down,  she's trying to think of things that will make her feel better.  Calling him at night,  getting up for extra water,  sleeping with you,  these are things she hopes will make her feel better.  And probably,  they do make her feel better.  And then,  you get mad and paddle her for them.

Kudos to her for being creative.  Let her do what she needs to do.

[RockRose]

Insane,  you're really not getting this,  and we are worlds apart.  I'm not a hateful person,  I just really empathize with children who are in pain.  

We're worlds apart - literally - in our perspectives.

My mother's attitude was,  "what can I do to help you feel better?".   Your attitude is,  "what can I do to make you stop expressing your pain,  so I can feel better and not be irritated,  and finally get a good night's sleep."

Do you see the difference?    It's worlds apart.

Your daughter needs a stable home,  with a loving mommy and daddy.  She had that for a brief while apparently,  and now she doesn't.    She doesn't just want it,  she actually NEEDS it like she needs healthy food.  She NEEDS a stable family,  with a mommy and a daddy who love each other and love her.

In the absense of that she needs understanding,  and a little room to grieve and express her frustration.

You can again call me hateful if you want,  I think you really are just not grasping the reality.

[RockRose]

Soc - there weren't other posts in this thread.  The thread got "gremmied" - other posts mysteriously appeared under this one and now apparently the webmaster has corrected it.

[Insane mama]

I appreciate the information, and as I said, posted this question out of desparation.  Feeling like I was the only parent having this problem.  I would like to say that since then, I have asked her father to speak with them earlier in the evening, not right at bedtime, to sing or do whatever he pleases so that at bedtime she is not going to sleep upset.  And since then, she has, including tonight, gone to sleep WITHOUT one bit of hassel or attitude.  She is happy and giggly and has made a complete turn around.  I realize these may be baby steps with potential for set backs, but I will take what I can get. What a relief to go to sleep myself relaxed, without crying or the guilt. She is aware that if she does give me attitude (for she can be quite stubborn) or act out in a mean way she could lose a priviledge (i.e., tv).  I have only had to tell her this, not enforce it.  I credit this change to my chaplain at work who, with God's help, gave me suggestions and the support to approach "one more night." So far it has worked.  

My compassion goes to any mother who may be/have been in my position during their lives, and to you/your mother.  I know there has to been times when they have reached maximum capacity, desparate for some help or for one good day, a change, love their kids with all their might, try to be all and do all but are all out of ideas, ending in despair and full of guilt. Just know that you are not alone.

[Insane mama]

I appreciate the helpful comments that were offered.  However, I do not appreciate the criticism and hateful comments from RockRose.  You make it sound like I purposely "BEAT" my child.  How wrong you are!  If you would have read what I wrote, I have tried everything AND have been giving her "extra love and attention" esp. since this all went down.  She can be as happy as can be until she lays down for bed.  She had requested to sleep with her brother (they are close) and still comes in my bed at night.  Bedtime has always been a struggle with her, even BEFORE the separation.  I know she is insecure and because of that I have given her the extra attention.  I would like to believe my husband realizes what a jerk he was, but manipulating them now will only hurt them in the future.  I encourage time with their father and do not degrade him to them.  I am sensitive to their needs as my parents are divorced too.  As a last resort, along with professional help, I posted this question, looking for any suggestions to make bedtime work.  Not criticism and hateful advice.
FYI: We have been married for 13 years-he had 1 regular girlfriend and 4 others around the country!  Paddling him was not the first thing to cross my mind!