My Child Has A Split Personality?

[tristunet]

Hello, I'm new to this, but am at my wits end!!!  My soon-to-be 3yr old is well and truly the ruler of our house! As soon as he throws one of his tantrums(which is usually on a daily basis!), our whole house comes down.  My 16 & 8yr old become angry with him, my husband becomes quiet and withdrawn and 'literally has to get out of the house' and as for me? Well, I just try and be the disciplinarian becoz if I don't then I know his dad will probably give him a smack on the bottom.  Sometimes I am that frustrated with him that I give him a smack too! This is last resort, after the time out, after the tantrums ova etc..... He throws his tantrums ova little things, for instance, when he gets out of the bath - I may have a coloured towel he doesn't like.. or when we turn the tv off at dinnertime, or even when his 8yr old brother walks past him!  At times he can't stand his 8yr old brother, he won't let him come near me or his older brother, he won't even let him walk past him, touch him or share with him.....His longest tantrum has lasted for about 50minutes.  I video taped some of it, just so I could show someone else to justify the fact that 'it wasn't just me' that thought I was going crazy!!  His behaviour is horrible, and his scream drives me up the wall, my neighbours think I'm killing him because he can be that noisy when he's in his tantrum. He spits, screams, yells, bites and bangs his head, slams all the doors and throws everything at me or whoeva is there at the time! I hold him down and tell him to ssshhhhhh.... I cuddle him and try anything I can think of to stop him but he won't budge! When he's in timeout, he will destroy everything in the room. Unfortunately I don't have a spare room with nothing in it for him to ruin. The only bare place I would have is the b/room, but he's already wrecked all the cupboards and draws from in there.  I have tried the Magic 1,2,3 method but to no avail.    The funny thing is though? He can go from a huge over bearing tantrum one minute and thrn break out into a laugh as if nothing happened the next??? Meanwhile, he's all happy and churpy and the rest of us are all drained from his tantrum, screaming etc.... SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US! Everyone I talk to says its normal! My son has been like this since his birth.  Even when I was pregnant with him he was very full on 'in my tummy'... he was a colic baby, neva slept, even now he doesn't sleep a fullnight, I am foreva waking up to go comfort him back to sleep.  He also has croup and is on the border of an asthmatic.  What can I do about his behaviour... Other people don't believe me when I tell him how exhausting he can be, becoz often when we got out to familys/friends and even his childcare (which he goes to fulltime), they all say he's an angel..... I feel like its just me going crazy!!! I can't wait to read some feedback. Thanks so much for this, I know its long, but if anyone is out there reading it, thank you ----  I feel a lot better after writing this and putting it out there.

[Sandman2]

   The post you are referring to is over 6 years old.  I just wanted to make sure that you understood that.

[xxshez89xx]

do you have children??? seriously i dont think u can understand how much hard work they can be, i dont think someones spelling is relevent!!

[Yuly2219]

Hi. Is your child on singulair?? Since you mentioned he is asthmatic . Singulair affects child behavior !!!!

[tristunet]

Hello, uhm? are you talking to me? about my spelling???? Gee's, the problem is about my CHILD and you're worried about my SPELLING!!!! Get ova it, and don't eva comment on my probelms agen and I won't comment you again foreva!!!! so you shud b happy about that!

But to all the other people that have commented, thank you kindly for your input and advising me, its fantastic to have other peoples opinions, even if they are bad?

But if I offend people in my SPELLING or my GRAMMAR then PLEASE FORGIVE ME! because most of the time I write in short texting codes because I'm so run off my feet!!!  NOT THAT I NEED TO JUSTIFY IT TO ANYONE!!!

thanks again for all your advise, and I will try and take it all on board.

AND BY THE WAY....TO ROCK ROSE....YOU JUST NEVER KNOW, I JUST MAYBE A TEENAGER! NOT THAT, THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT!

IT'S ALL ABOUT MY SON FOR GOODNESS SAKE! ISN'T THIS FORUM FOR ASSISTANCE ON CHILD BEHAVIOUR?

[RockRose]

Why don't you spell like an adult?   "Neva",  "ova",  "foreva"  are words teenage girls use.  

I honestly believe this is the crux of your problem.  You are an adult,  this is a little bitty kid,  and  you see yourself as a teenager.  

A three year old shouldn't make everyone in the household cringe in fear.  Take control,  spell never,  over,  and forever,  and you'll be on the road to improvement.

[janekoev]

reading your story is like looking in a mirror. I am caring for my 4 yr old grand daughter & she has 2 distinct personalities. She is so sweet one minute then turns  on you as if posessed the next and like you say - for no reason other than just to **** me off! I have tried everything with her too, she cannot be reasoned with when she gets in a snit - won't listen, just screams at me, defying me and generally making life hell for all of us. Then when she gets past her snit she is like nothing ever happened. We have residual hurt feelings/anger and she's going around like nothing! Can't get her in to a bath either.. & God forbid suggesting wash her (very curly/unruly mop of) hair ...
She cries & makes a huge unbelieveable  fuss, clings to me like I was handing her over to the devil when I leave her at daycare - every day. She has to have her own way for everything too or life would be totally unbearable for us grand parents. Anybody come up with a good answer for you yet??? Even my mum in law has said I need to start governing this child before she gets much older.

[Agiesmom]

Hmmmm...I guess it's common for children to be attached to their mothers (and they go through different phases where they are more clingy than others), but I would focus on his REACTION to others trying to come between the two of you.  "It's ok to feel sad when you can't sit right next to me, but you can't hurt your brother." or "We're all going to cuddle (or play a game or whatever) together, but if you don't want to join us, that's ok."  I'd keep reiterating that you are EVERYONE'S Mommy, not just his (although, I'm not sure how well he will understand this).  Can you have one on one time with him during a bedtime ritual--I used to make hot cocoa that was mostly warm milk and I would turn off all the lights and light candles at the kitchen table and we would talk about our day by candlelight (What happened today that made you laugh?  Happy?  Upset? etc.) before we brushed each other's teeth (I'd let him brush mine so he'd let me brush his), read, sing, get settled into bed.  And maybe you can put him to bed early so you have some one on one uninterrupted time with your other children.

Hang in there.  Maybe try implementing one thing at a time, though, so you don't overwhelm him.  Maybe start with a special bedtime Mommy and Me bedtime ritual (early) and introduce the chart in a week or so?

[tristunet]

Thanks for your reply.  I have tried the charts, but maybe I should try and simplify it a bit more. I have noticed that the main issue is 'ME'! He hates his brothers and my hubby coming near me.. If they try and have a conversation with me, or my 8yr old will come and sit next to me, or any of them for that matter, he will start to arch up and get ready for his tantrum. He'll push them away and tell them to leave me alone, that's my mummy.... I tell him that I'm not 'just his mummy'... but he tells me to be quiet!!!  So the two main triggers are "ME" and when he doesn't get what he wants!!  I used to believe that my 8yr old hurt him as to the reason why he dislikes him so much, but one day, I actually snuck up on my 3yr old screaming in my 8yr olds room  yelling out his name and yelling "leave me alone....don't hurt me!!!"...... My 8y/o was drawing on his desk doing nothing!! So, I try and keep them separated as often as I can, becoz I don't want my 8yo getting in trouble for nothing! He seems to have a very strong bond with his older brother and myself, but not his father and our 8yo.  PS: How can I be calm/matter of fact when he's literally screaming the walls down in my house.  Will he hear what I am trying to tell him while he's screaming? I just often feel that I have to yell over the top of him for him to hear me.....I bend down to his level, he won't look at me when I'm talking to him b'coz he know's he's being naughty.   I'm going to try the Chart in a more simpler way and see how we go. I know I need to be consistent!!! But sometimes its easier just to cave in - just as long as the crying stops... especially after a 9 hour work day, and my other childrens commitments, plus my husbands shift-work.  Thanks again for your help I really appreciate the feedback.

[Agiesmom]

Could the son he really doesn't like be hurting him in some way and you are not aware of it?

I was originally thinking sensory issues and was trying to think of some other causes, but the last part of your original post made me switch gears.  The fact that this behavior only occurs at home (you had to videotape his behavior to prove to others that he behaves that way at home) tells me that it is environmental.  If there is no way your other son hurt him in any way (and don't dismiss the possibility--if he's being mistreated, pushed around, teased, etc., you need to know)--if there isn't anything going on with their relationship, you need to all work together to help him change his behavior at home.  Dad can't ignore him or spank him, brothers can agitate him or boss him, etc.  Maybe a chore/task board would help (listing no more than 5 simple things for him to do with pictures--toothbrush/toothpaste, bed with moon and stars, children playing a game together, etc.).  A schedule and more consistent consequences given in a calm, matter-of-fact way would likely be helpful, too.

I know it's not what you want to hear, but you need to get control of the situation now, when he's 2--you don't want him behaving like this when he's 14.  If you need help, ask your pediatrician for suggestions.  Maybe the daycare center can give you their schedule and list of simple expectations and tell you exactly how they handle bad behavior and you can implement it at home.

[tristunet]

please don't tell me to put him in a chair or on a step, coz I've done this too and its not working!!!!! I just get so fed up with having to put him back in the chair/room or step 100 times in 2mintues, and also, he has thrown the chair!!!! Bange'd his head on the step and kicked and stubbed his toe on the step! Thanks again for listening.