My daughter says she wants to be a boy...

Question

My 7yr old daughter dresses, acts and has hair cut like a boy. She tells the kids at school she is a boy. She is happy when strangers refer to her as a boy. Since she was very little she has refused to wear girl clothes and play with girly stuff. She does on occasion play dress up and wear make up but very rarely. She has recently ask me to start wearing boy underwear. I have alowed her thus far to wear wanglers with "boy" T-shirts and boy tennis shoes. I understand that she may very well grow up to be homosexual or transsexual. What I am concerned about is how I handle this as a parent affects her as an young adult. I worry that she is being made fun of now in elementary, what is to come in middle school and high school. Do I allow her to be who she is and have others damaging her self asteem or do I make her be who her gender says she is and hate me for it later??? All I want is my daughter to be and grow up to be an emotionally happy and health person. She is a good child. Never getting in trouble in school or at home. She is very loving and is a happy child. She does get upset and cries when she sees the confussion in my face when we talk about it. She is upset that I said I would not allow the boy underwear. Please help me understand how to handle this situation to the best intrest of my daughter.

happynote01 · Answer

This is comepeletly fine.She is either going through a phase,or is possibly transgener or homosexual.All of these things are perfectly fine.She probably won't be teased as much as vice versa, (a boy being girlish),but just in case,talk to get if she does.If she comes out as transgender within a few years,even if it seems "weird",accept her for who she is (or he).Anyways,all I can say is,don't opress her.

supermomma531 · Answer

This is a tough situation. I think that I would allow her to dress as she wants to. She needs to feel comfortable in her own skin. If she feels like dressing like a boy, then she obviously needs to do what she needs to do. She will handle the kids at school in the best way she knows how. Tell her that if she does get teased, the you expect her to come and talk to you about it. This may be just a phase for her and maybe someday, she'll start dressing like a girl. But if she's done this her whole entire life, then maybe this is who she is. Have you ever taken her to a child psychologist or a child psychiatrist? They may be able to give you some insight as to how to handle this situation. You said that you were afraid of her being teased at school, yet you don't approve of how she dresses either. How do you think this makes her feel? She lives her life knowing that her mother doesn't like the way she chooses to dress and this could do a lot of mental and emotional damage to her for the rest of her life because she knows that you're not happy with her decisions. You sound like you only accept her decisions to a certain point but as her mom, you need to be completely accepting of it and don't worry what others think.. as long as she is happy with herself and accepts herself for who she is. What harm is her decisions affecting you or anyone else? Once you are of complete acceptance of her, she will grow up to be a well rounded, educated, individual because all she needs is acceptance of her parents to continue on her path of life. You need to be her advocate and stand behind her 100%. I'm sorry if I sound like I'm being harsh. I am just trying to help you see it in a different light. Your acceptance will greatly improve the relationship between yourself and your daughter. You are and always have been her safe haven. You want to keep that in place especially when she hits the teen years when they can become rebellious. My daughter was tomboy like until she hit the age of 4, since then it's been all girly! This is who she is. She is now 10 yrs old. I, as her mother, am not that girly. She takes it to the extreme. I support her in what ever she decides with some limitations as to how to dress and if she's allowed make up or not. But she is happy being who she is, and as she gets older, she is allowed more freedom as to how she would like to dress. I would never approve of her dressing  skimpy but I teach her to dress appropriately and decently as a respected young lady. This is the time to teach them well while being under your roof. If my daughter decided one day that she wanted to dress like a boy, then fine. It doesn't affect me in any way. She has to feel comfortable in her own skin to be able to feel comfortable dressing like a boy. I hope this has helped you see this issue from a different perspective. Sometimes just hearing someone else's opinion helps. Good luck.

happynote01 · Answer

This is comepeletly fine.She is either going through a phase,or is possibly transgener or homosexual.All of these things are perfectly fine.She probably won't be teased as much as vice versa, (a boy being girlish),but just in case,talk to get if she does.If she comes out as transgender within a few years,even if it seems "weird",accept her for who she is (or he).Anyways,all I can say is,don't opress her.

Sigebryht · Answer

It is perfectly okay for her to not like being girly as that is just her own preference as is who she has sex when she gets older. However her sex is determined by genes and chromosomes and she is XX and not XY which means she can pretend as much as she wants and even go through those medical procedures but she will never really become male.

You just need to make sure she understands the difference between gender (aesthetics and expectations) and sex (biological reality). But make a firm difference on this and don't expect her to understand this easily. Be extremely patient with her as you will need to approach the subject dozens of times for her to understand the concept of gender vs the reality of sex.

Although she is a child you will have to address this subject to her like an adult and make sure you have covered all arguments. Eventually, especially if she has the correct kind of attachment to you, she will understand it.

You see the problem is with culture signaling and expectations. Boys are short hair and wild, they wear blue color and girls have long hair and are well behaved, they wear pink color... In various ancient cultures like vikings and sauromations women were warriors and were expected to do manual labor and go to war like men, in sauromatia women could not even get married until they killed a man in 1v1 combat. In those cultures being a girl was identical to having a vagina. In todays culture it is not but comes along with myriad of other cultural expectations which your daughter does not like.

Most parents think this is too philosophical for children but you cannot really connect with your kids if you don't get into their thought process and really strip this issue to it's most fundamental components which are ideas.

RACHELL68 · Answer

hey tracie my teen is going through the same thing she liked boys until the age 15 then all of a sudden she wanted to be called jake and started binding.it breaks my hjeart i took her to see a psychiatrist and the pshych gave her the info to get testesterone so we stopped going to see her what ive read in articles says we have to be supportive and but seek a psycch that may check to see if they need hormone adjustments... finding the right doctor is key for all of us because some of them are making matters worse. ive been told i should put her in an institution but i cant i wouldnt know if she were getting treated properly...i hope things get better for our children and they remember and love miss who they really are...rachel

traciepie · Answer

Hi my daughter is 15 and she has always dressed as a boy sort of but this last couple of years even more also coming out as gay I want to understand but find it difficult that I might be losing my daughter any advice greatley received .

samisam1999 · Answer

She may have gender identity disorder. Other wise known as transgender. Is she does than the truth is HE is a BOY born into a girls body... Literally. It has to do with a hormonal imbalance in the womb. So they are literally born with one gendered brain and another gendered body. If this is the case you have to allow HIM to be HIMSELF. Transgendered children have one of the highest rates of suicide because their parents won't accept them. You should allow your little boy to transition from life as a female to life as a male entirely (although they're too young for sex change surgery they can decide that for themselves later in life) but you should let HIM wear boys underwear, and refer to HIM using male- based nouns (him, he, etc). If he/she has this disorder.. Then like it or not you've got a little boy on your hands.. Hope this helped (btw sorry if I can't spell I'm only 13)

Shooting_Star_Avatar · Answer

There is a disorder which may be an explanation...

"Gender Identity Disorder"

The causes is unknown, but can be hormones and even family situation (rejects femininity becuase she sees mom as a victim after a  run-away or abusive father...
or even trying to get father's attention and approvial (ie. an over-bearing sports dad))

specialmom · Answer

Great input!  Good luck in your graduate program.

Janeybell · Answer

I was very much like your daughter.  I only wore boys' clothing throughout elementary school, including boxer shorts.  I had my hair cut short. When people see pictures of me as I child they always think it is my brother.  I remember wanting people to think I was a boy and enjoying (mostly) the attention I got from other kids asking "are you a boy or a girl?".

I developed a crush on a boy when I was 10 and soon after made a complete wardrobe change.  I still remember going to school in girls clothing for the 1st time:  a floral polyester shirt & short sparkly shorts (with girls underwear!).  I liked the attention I got from being a pretty girl...and never went back to boys clothing.

I'm currently pretty average in terms of femininity.  I'm in a male dominated graduate program and dress in "comfortable" clothes (I'm not that fashionable), but I love chick flicks and makeup and hair products.  I also never doubted my sexuality.  I was a boy crazy teenager and now have been with my boyfriend for 5 years.