My foster kid is being intimate with my son what do I do????

[Hannahhpal]

I am a foster parent and have three bio kids. I adopted two. Recently I'm fostering one girl, she is so good after what she has been through but, I met some disturbances. My eldest son who is 16 while she is 14 currently are close. I never noticed it much, mostly cause I work full-time but i after reading a journal entry of hers I realized how far it was. I encouraged her to write in a journal about things that were happening. I wouldn't of read it but, I saw my sons name in the journal. It was dated two months ago and it talked about how she was jealous. Jealous of my son being a little flirty with a neighbor of ours who's his age (which we encourage) I closed it not thinking of it much. I thought it was just a crush. Things got a bit weird when I came back from a party with my husband. My 16 year old was watching the younger kids. I went downstairs to all of them asleep including the neighbor friend who was on the couch. I walk into my sons room and my foster daughter is in his bed too. They were snuggling it was as innocent as that situation could be though. All clothes were on. It brought enough concern that I did take a look at her journal again. It was an invasion of her privacy but I was very concerned. Then I checked around five or so months ago in October was described sexual acts between her and my son. This did not disgust me as I thought it would, truly my first response to it was heartbreaking for her. The way she worded him put him on a pedestal in her mind. I'm not sure what to do. At this point I can't just send her away, and I wouldn't want to and it will be very hard to understand all that they are essentially. I talked a bit to my other kids and asked them discreetly about their encounters and they all have the same story. That she is with him. When my middle child told me that I felt like such a failure as a mother. Whenever I asked where my son or her were they all would repeat that line like it was normal. I never questioned it tell now and it makes me feel so guilty for not questioning it sooner. What do I do I'm at a total loss right now.

[specialmom]

So, while a sad situation, your responsibility first and foremost is to your own child.  Under no circumstances would I allow guilt to overshadow what is best for my own kid.  And this is not good for your kid.  You aren't a failure as a mother but you do need to act and go ahead and acknowledge that this girl is not a good match for your family.  This is not healthy.  So, it's time to call the service that you fostered through and put an end to this.  This isn't the future you want for your son I'm sure and she needs an emotionally health environment too in which teen romance and artificially attaching to a boy in the house for security dominate true nurturing and emotional growth.  This is a distraction to your teenage boys life having a romantic interest living with him.  So, put an end to it and get over all guilt.  This is right for all parties involved.  good luck

[Hannahhpal]

The issue is she has been through so mamy homes and I promised I would never do that to her. I know that it is not heathly for my son, but what I'm mostly worried about is that by the way she worded it that he started the relationship. I'm worried that my son will also get in trouble for this since of the age difference and her vulnerability right now.

[specialmom]

Unfortunately, promising to this child was the wrong thing to do.  I'm sorry, but care for your own child DOES come before that.  I would not allow this to continue.  No matter how it started or promises made.  It's unhealthy.  I would NOT take in older kids anymore.   This is what it is.  Hard, sad. But you have to do what is right for your son that he wont' appreciate right now but will down the road.  She's not a foster care kid now but a girl your son wants to have sex with. Ugh, move her out and now.  good luck

[specialmom]

And I'm going to say this also with compassion and empathy.  I think it is noble you provide foster care but with your own kids in the house, it is unwise to take in a child that has been from home to home. This means she has a lot of emotional issues most likely, and are you fully aware of reasons she's been moved often?  This put your family at risk from the beginning.   Again, I think it is very noble to want to help.  I truly do and admire you for this.  But it's not always the best thing for the kids that you are to permanently to provide a peaceful life for, your own children.  

I am sure this brings you much heartache. I'm being very firm because I have a teenage son.  I picture myself in this situation, this girl in this situation and our home under those circumstances.  It is a bad situation that you while really hard to end, has to.  Before disaster happens and she's pregnant.  Or yes, your son gets in trouble.  I'm sure you are to provide a safe environment under contract for any foster child you bring into your home.  This could be construed as not safe for her by the agency.  

So, you have to end this for all involved. good luck

[Hannahhpal]

Yes I am aware of the reasons she has been moved so often. If there was anhy concern with other foster siblings or violence I would not have takened her. But she was unlucky and was abused in many homes not sexually but she was starved and beaten. I was very worried that something bad would happen but she seems to have no hige emotional issues besides attachment. But that is manageable. I think

[Hannahhpal]

I need to talk to my son first to see exacly what has been going on

[specialmom]

In all honesty, I wouldn't involve your son in any way further in this.  Plus, he's highly motivated to keep her around.  Remember hormones and that he wants to have sex with her.  This will trump all good sense that you as mom have.  

Again, I know you want to help this girl but you have a responsibility to your own family.  No matter what, you now have enough information that should cause you to act quickly to remove her from your home.  It's unfortunate but a 16 year old and another teen girl in the house from foster care was never a good idea.  How long has she been there?  Anyway, I'm really sorry this is how it is going down but you will regret if you let it continue.  And remember it is also not healthy for her.  She needs parents, not a boyfriend at 14.  good luck

[Hannahhpal]

She has been with us for a year now thats why this is so hard my youngest call her a sister and we introduce her as our daughter most of the time.