My son and another little boy touched each others privates...

[iluvmy2kids]

I just found out that my son & my nephew years ago touched each others privates.My son is 12 now & my nephew 8.I think this was 2 years ago maybe longer when it happened. What seems to have happened was my nephew asked my son to touch him & out of curiosity,he did,then allowed my nephew to touch him. This happened 3 different times on 3 different days back to back while staying at their grandmas house. They only touched for a moment & that was it.On the 3rd day & 3rd time of them touching,my son said he told my nephew he felt it was not right &  stupid & no more & they never did again.My son says they both were just curious & both wanted to touch & see & that nothing bad was intended & that now that he is older he knows it was stupid & inappropriate.As children,my husband & I have similar experiences as kids w/ touching others so we feel this is the same type situation.It has never happened again,never happened any other time, no molestation has occured to either of them, & both boys have remained best friends since then.The problem I am having is my sister is not willing to believe her son was just being as curious as my son & placing all the blame upon my son & told my son she was going to call the sheriff & have him arrested.She refuses to speak to me stating my son molested her son totally avoiding the fact her son said he was just as curious as my son. She will not even conisder that kids do this,& my son is uncontrollably upset about it.I am unsure what I should do from here.I have talked to my son in depth & he now knows touching or anything of that nature w/ other kids is not right now, but at the time they thought nothing of it.As his mom,knowing this was just curious touching I am unsure how to handle the situation w/ my sister & it has devastated my son.So I guess I am looking for any advice?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

I've really said all I can say to guide you. It would be wise for you to speak with a mental health counselor, if only to help you work through your response to this situation and the emotional toll it is taking on you.

[iluvmy2kids]

Thank you for your reply. I did take your advice and finally was able to convince my sister to sit her son down and talk to him again. She never asked him anything else about his story since he first brought it up. My sister sat her son down and our conversation was via phone so I was placed on speaker phone and she mainly asked her son guestions and I would when I was able. He started out giggling and laughing about the situation and my sister asked him was all this my son or both of their ideas to touch each other. His first words were "both of them". She was taken back since he had first blammed my son for everything. She then asked him WHY was it his idea at all and he stated he wanted to see how things felt. He said he was too embarrassed to admit it to start with.He said he wanted to do some things and my son wanted to do some things, they were both wanting to know. Upon hearing this, my sister became angry, and for 2 hours she guestioned him many times with the same guestion worded several ways over and over and over. When he would say my son did not force him to do anything and that he was just as at fault for being curious she would raise her voice and tell him NO he was not understanding what he was saying, he was too young at almost 8 to know what he was saying or the situation, and she would reword things over and over trying to get him to change his story or answers. At the end of the long conversation I of course was upset with my sister but keeping to myself as it would had served no purpose to had said anything about my feelings, but my sister was absolutely angry, would not listen to anything I said, and told me there was NO WAY her son did anything on his own because she said that boys do not touch each other that it is evil and she would never accept her son had anything to do with being at fault just the same as my son. My nephew would admit over and over he wanted to know just the same as my son on many things, or that some things my son brought up and others he did but again both were curious, and she was having no part of it at all and instead of listening and accepting he was telling the truth, she fussed at him, told him she was going to spank him, all because she was shocked and in disbelief her son was admitting they were just 2 curious kids. I told her to listen to him and not be angry and she would not listen to me either. He finally got to a point where he said it was stupid no big deal I do not want to talk about it anymore I already told you what happened why are you mad at me? I felt bad for him BUT I felt much better knowing my son had told the truth that he did not FORCE anything they were both curious and young and did not think about what they were doing, so although I look at the entire situation as both boys being curious and young, my sister refuses to see it that way and said she would never admit to anyone what he had said during the 2 hours and she was going to talk to him until he told her what he originally had told her, which was it was all my sons fault. I tried telling her kids touching is NORMAL and she told me maybe 1 time but not over and over. I explained if they did touch several times it was most likely because no one suspected anything and they neither one thought much of it either! I then spoke to her husband as she became so angry I was unable to speak to her any longer, and he stated he thought it was boys being boys that he placed more blame on my son for being older but he felt it was boys being boys. The entire time I was talking to him, my sister was in the background making her son cry while she was hollaring at him over and over stating to him, "you are too young to know what your talking about" and stating that my son" made you do this all right?" At one point he yelled at her NO it was both of us and she spanked him! She continued to ask the same question over and over rewording the same question or changing the answers or rephrasing the way she was saying it!! I had to get off the phone with her husband because I was upset at her reaction and how she was behaving towards her son. Her son kept asking why she was mad at him and she would answer she was not mad, but she was very angry!! My sister is very religous and not willing to accept this behavior. She said kids DO NOT touch, they are not curious, she says my son molested her son and talked him into it all or forced him, ignoring what he had admitted to openly.When I asked my nephew if he still wanted to be friends and see my son he said YES but then my sister said," so you want to be friends with a boy who molested you and forced you to do these nasty evil things?" and my nephew then said, " well I guess not."  My son stated all along it was both of them and no one was hurt and they did not stop and think about their ages or anything it was just both being curious, so this makes sense. Also, they remained best friends, hung out all of the time and my nephew showed no signs of abuse, so it made sense, but how do I deal with my sister reacting this way? She stated she was going to make my son pay for doing this to her son that this was affecting him. When I asked her HOW he was behaving differently in the 2 days since he first mentioned it, since his behavior was fine obviousely up until that point since no one saw anything different, she said he pointed out a womans breasts on tv and that was not normal. She then said she wanted him to sleep in her bed the night before but he would not get under the covers and when I had her to ask him WHY that was, he said because he was hot and she got angry and said NOOO it is because of this and he said NOO it was because he was hot and again, she stared yelling at him. She is in total denial and creating things to make what she believes in her head to be true. In the meantime, my son has taken this hard. My sister called him evil, the devil since this behavior is not normal kids do not touch others in her opinion, she called him gay and a freak and sick, and she was going to make him pay. He is living in fear each day afraid he is going to go to jail or she is going to make claims he molested her son when he didn't. I hate the situation turned out this way, I felt surely if her son told the truth that my sister would see there was no molestation but I had no idea her reaction would be what it was. What should my next step be? I asked my son if he wanted to talk about this all to someone and his words were NOOOOO he did not want to bring it up to anyone it was stupid and emabarrassing and he wants to forget it! He is heart broken family could turn like this on him and none of my family has asked my son his side of the story at all, not willing to even look at him believing what my nephew first said, which in fact was a lie. This has ripped the entire family apart and I am unsure what now my move should be? Get my son therapy anyway? If my sister does continue to tell her son this was bad and makes him say, or believe, he had no part in it, all to make it okay in her head with what happened, will a good therapist still be able to get the truth out of him? I worry, claims such as this is a huge and serious deal and given as angry and upset as my sister is I am unsure as to what she will do or what accusations she will claim and of course I know what my nephew admitted to but if she never tells about the conversation, and talks to my nephew telling him what SHE WANTS him to think happened, it worries me sick she can get him all jumbled in his head about it all. I just need advice on do I go ahead and take my son to a therapist and explain the situation or not force him to talk to anyone about it unless he asks? Such a sad thing, my entire family will never get over the accusations she is claiming, she will never believe boys do this sort of stuff, breaks my heart the boys will be torn apart over just being 2 curious young boys, and my sister refuses to ever speak to me again.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Please believe that the most important thing right now is that you maintain your equanimity. There is no need to be 'shocked, crushed and scared'. If you are going to help your son you have to remain in emotional control and act with reason and calm. First, get together with your sister and see if you can figure out pretty much what occurred. If there are gaps in the story, speak together  with each of the boys one at a time. You likely will not have to enage a therapist. But if the story indicates that the sexual contact occurred with great frequency, or if any surprising details emerge, such as the involvement of any other person with either of the boys, a consult with a mental health clinician might be very useful. Select a clinician who specializes in pediatric mental health. It needn't be someone with a specialty is sexual behavior.

[iluvmy2kids]

Thank you for your reply. Another part of this story has surfaced. My nephew now is bit by bit adding on more details of stuff. He said it was more than what was originally stated, and that although they both started out as curious that later on my nephew wanted to stop but my son didn't. My nephew is adding on things more and more and it has gone from 3 times to a couple more times and from one place that it happened to several other places. My son is absolutely set on what was originally stated and saying they both were curious and it only happened 3 times and that nothing more happened and that HE wanted it to stop on the 3rd time they touched and says they never did anything again. My nephew is stating more did happen. I am hurt and so sick about it all. What should my sister and my next step be? How can we get the truth out? Should we take both boys to a therapist? Of course I believe my son and my sister believes her son but we both love each other and understand it could be some mix up on both sides but not sure who is telling the truth or who is not and this is a serious matter. No one ever saw signs of anything, not one thing, they have remained best friends all this time, played, call each other daily just last week my nephew called and asked my son to come visit and when I said no because we had other plans my nephew started crying and was upset my son was not able to come over!  I mean no signs of anything and my nephew never said anything to anyone at all in all these 2 years. My son has never showed any signs of ever doing anything to anyone either. I obviousely know both the boys need some sort of help because no one knows the truth whether both were curious, whether my nephew is creating anything, whether my son is lying or not. What type of therapist should we take the boys to and would a therapist be able to determine who was telling the truth? Should we take them to the same therapist? Any advice on what step to take for us as parents in this situation now since I am obviousely shocked and crushed and scared to death all at the same time?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You've done what you can do. It's understandable that your sister might be upset, since your son was four years older than her child at the time. But, whatever the case, you cannot determine your sister's reaction. For now, there is really nothing else to do. Hopefully she will gain some perspective about this and not create an unnecessary crisis. It is quite unlikely the officials will want very much to do with this sort of thing.