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My teenage daughter is overly attached to me

I am very concerned about my 14 yr old daughter.  My daughter seems to have formed an extremely close attachment to me and I am not sure it is healthy.   I am a single mother of three and have always been attentive and loving to my children, but my daughter has been more demanding than the others for my attention, right from the beginning.  She is miserable the majority of the time, rejects her friends (does not talk to them on the phone or see them outside of school)she needs to know where I am at all times and wants to be with me constantly,  and feels rejected if I spend time with anyone other than her.  She calls me if I am even 5 minutes late getting home from work, and demands to know when I will be home and why I am late. She also gets angry if I go to bed before her or do anything without her - even grocery shopping or if I don't sit right next to her when we watch a movie.  She is extremely jealous of anyone and everyone I spend time with, including my twin sister and my common-law husband. In other words, she does not like to share my affections.   My common-law husband is wonderful and loving to her but she rejects him and if I suggest my sister join us in an activity she gets irate. She is even jealous over the affection I give her brothers and does not want me to include them in any activities.  My fiancee and I have discussed having a child together in the future, which she found out about, and went balistic, threatening that she would never even look at the baby and worse, she would kill it.  She is a loving and affectionate child when she has me to herself and when she doesn't, she is miserable and angry. Her favorite way of "punishing" me is by giving me the silent treatment. For example, I offered to my sister to make my 2 yr old neice a "castle" cake for her birthday, and my daughter has been unhappy with the idea for over a week Yesterday, I went shopping for supplies for this cake and she called me to tell me that the "castle" cake was her cake, made special for her (I made it for her 5th birthday) and that she did not want me to make it. When I arrived home, she asked again for me not to make it.  I told her I was going to make the cake and she refused to talk to me for the rest of the evening.  I just don't understand how to make her happy.  Our lives are miserable and I don't know how to fix it or even what the problem is.  I feel extreme guilt all the time. It is taking it's toll on our whole family.  My other children don't understand her (they are boys 9 & 16) and I feel like they may feel a little rejected because she need so much of my attention, my spouse, although understanding, is tired of her running our lives, and the rest of the family is hurt, confused...(my sister does not understand why my daughter gets along with her when I am not around but when I am, she is doesn't want anything to do with her)  I am so confused and concerned.  She is an absolutely gorgeous girl, popular, smart, and everyone loves her.  Unlike her friends, she does not even seem interested in boys, or any form of a social life. Please help.
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Avatar universal
This was posted a long time ago but I wanted to say at that age I had a attachment to my mom to. I'm not sure why for me it evened out eventually but I always felt like I would lose her. And she was my responsibility not me being hers.
Helpful - 1
2 Comments
Kids mature at different levels and it is not necessarily a condemnation to a terrible life to still be attached to mom as a young teen.  They mature out of it as more and more hormones come crashing in.  
Hannahhpal,  I have a 14 year old daughter currently exhibiting attachment issues and anxiety. I've been a single mom for the past 8 years and recently began dating. She is scared of losing me.  My question for you is, what helped you get through your attachment issues with your mom?
Avatar universal
She's the MIDDLE CHILD, and like most middle children, she needs a little more reassurance that she is important inside the family.  Sit down with her when the two  of you are sharing some time together and quietly tell her  that 1) you love her dear but you have other people in your life that need some attention too.  2) Schedule time for a "girl's day out" with her - and just her!  Do some of her favorite activities with her - let her choose where you eat that day - give her praise for even the smallest things - give her big hugs in front of everyone present - then quietly explain that you have two other children who need some attention, too.  Encourage her to invite some classmates over for a "girl's gabfest" one Saturday and ask if she thinks if   refreshments of some sort would be a good idea.

Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
I'm late to the party,  but I agree this is a fear of losing Mom.  Don't know what happened to her father,  but these behaviors are usually an indication that she fears losing her mother too.  Kids are wired to try to make sure their environments are stable,  and they are taken care of.  Anything that rocks that boat - the death of a parent,  the loss of a parent in other ways,  the threat of a new baby sibling by a new guy to the family,  causes panic.  It's been 15 years since this post was written,  so obviously this problem is in the past for the OP's family,  just wrote this for other parents who are going through this.
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Avatar universal
bro that’s ur fault if you want her to stop then let her give u the silent treatment it’s really not that hard don’t listen to her ur the mom and she’s the kid take control give ur other children love as a kid that was least favorited it hurts and that’s what the other kids feel like whenever she give u the silent treatment in that time spend time with ur other kids do stuff by urself she’s littelry 14 cmon it’s common sense
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know this is late but I wanted to leave my comment anyway. I read some of the answers and disagree with her having a huge dominant problem and I don't think it's because the mom isn't spending enough time with her or giving her enough love. My daughter is also this way. In my situation my daughter had to be apart from me from the age of 2. I had a very strong connection with her even then. When her father and I separated, time was divided. She cried so many times as I was forced by court order to send her to his scheduled visits. I believe this is caused by attachment/ separation issues. Not necessarily because you didn't spend enough time but maybe you were forced to go back to work early. Whatever the cause I say just explain to her. I have been explaining to my 15yr old and the more I do she is more understanding. It seems really far in your case so coupling through family therapy won't hurt.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
My 12 year old is very similar. I have a 1 yr old and she is extremely jealous of her. She wants to be treated just like the baby sometimes. Wants me to hug her every 15 mins wants to be cuddled by me. If I tell my 1 yr old I love her or that she is cute my 12 yr old will say what about me mom? Always needs me to validate that she is my favorite and I will not do so I tell her I dont have a favorite. She claims I am lying and my 1 yr old is the favorite. I explain that she is 12 and does not need constant attention like a toddler and it is unhealthy to behave that way which results in suicide thoughts. She even wanted to ride in the stroller and me make my toddler walk cuz it was "unfair" I have had her in counseling for 5 years. She currently sees 2 different people. And honestly this makes me feel as terrible as it sounds but I get really iritated with this behavior and it makes me feel distant from her. The needyness just really bothers me so much I cant stand to be around her half the time. Do you ever feel this way? Sorry I have no advice as I am trying to figure out things myself but I do really relate to alot of this. Oh abd she is sometimes mean to my toddler gets rough with her, teases her, screams shut up and I hate you. This also makes me feel very distant from her

Helpful - 0
1 Comments
Twelve years old is such a vulnerable age.  Part little kid, part growing up.  And some mature at different rates than others.  I have two boys age 14 ad 12 who STILL compete with each other.  You are loving and nurturing to the young child. This is a sign that your 12 year old isn't feeling that you share this with them as much and it hurts them.  It's sad that this makes you mad rather than want to give that to your 12 year old.  Are they both from the same daddy?  Is there a reason you favor a bit your younger child?  It does usually end and you'll regret if you do not establish a true trust that you are there no matter what with your 12 year old.  My 14 year old has drifted off to teen world where he ignores me much of the time while my 12 year old still looks to me to nurture and parent.  But my 14 year old comes back to me here and there to be mama and let me into his world because we built that bond.  Make sure you have that bond with your 12 year old so that you don't have a kid who moves on from 'trying' with you as he gets older.  He may resent your toddler.  You can set boundaries for his actions toward her but he sounds jealous and you sound like you find his desire to feel loved by you bothersome.  That's a difficult combination. My advice is to plan some one on one tie with him, set boundaries on how he treats your younger one and make sure all kids feel equally loved under your care.  good luck
Avatar universal
It is a few years since you posted your story. How is it going now? I've got similar problems with my 17 year old daughter.
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Avatar universal
I would just like to add to this that of course reasonable boundaries are important, but also bear in mind that your daughter is clearly unhappy and feeling very insecure, she is doing this because she needs reassurance from you. You say you have a fiance, I dont know what past circumstances were but maybe she has lost a father or feels that one has left? maybe she is afraid that you are not going to stick around as well.  have you tried talking to her? I dont mean "dont be silly" or "stop behaving like this" .. but ask her what she is afraid of, ask her if she is afraid of loosing you, reassure her that you love her unconditionally and will always do so whether you remarry or spend time with others, that she is very special and important in your life.

I am an adult with a diagnosed attachment disorder that I am currently receiving therapy for. I was in care when I was your daughter's age but my behaviour around my natural mother was very similar when I was a younger child and I was very unhappy and very insecure, so try not to make her feel guilty and responsible but rather that you and her can work through whatever is worrying her together and take some time to give her your undivided attention, not exclusively of course, but set time aside to give her just what she needs from time to tome
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Avatar universal
Thank you to everyone for the helpful advice. I really needed to hear from others that I am not crazy and that her behavior is not normal.   And I completely agree that this behavior has alot to do with me and what I have allowed.  I guess you could say that I am a people pleaser to the extreme and that when I separated/divorced from my children's Father, I felt such extreme guilt over that and the fact that I had to work (be away from them more) that I overcompensated by giving them every moment of my time and attention.  I tried to be everything to them to make up for the fact that they only had one parent. Although, I have tried to talk to her about her behavior on several occasions and have explained to her that I am the adult and do not have to answer to her, I  did not enforce that as much as I should have, otherwise we probably would not be still having these issues. I know I have made the mistake of letting her manipulate me to the extreme and I know that somewhere along the way, it seems like we either reversed roles or became equals in the process.  Seeing the posts here makes me understand that help is long overdue and that I should indeed seek therapy, for not only her but perhaps, for myself to learn how to set/enforce healthy boundaries with my daughter. Thank you all.
Helpful - 0
3 Comments
I see your original post was several years ago. I am presently going through this same scenario with my 14 year old daughter. How have things worked out for your daughter? What helped? Is there hope for me and my daughter?
Hi, Imamomx2  have you managed to sort out the problems with your daughter now that it is two years on.... I have similar problems with my daughter and I am running out of options.....
Hi Madski42, sorry you are having issues with your daughter.  I'd love to chat with you about what is going on---  it would help if you started your own thread with any other details you'd like to share!  
Avatar universal
I agree with the above posters.  Her behavior is unusual and I think she needs some professional help.  Sorry we can't be more helpful but you really cannot let a 14 year old run your life.  Good luck and I hope you find the solution.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
tigerlily- this is really quite unusual.  I think you need to look into family therapy to find out what's going on with her.

I do see girls who seem to have odd attachments to their mothers - and in fact,  will sit in their mother's laps at this age,  which I think is quite odd.   But it's common enough that I guess it's normal.

Your daughter's attachment goes beyond the usual quirk - and I would call it "dominance" rather than "attachment".  Not only is she attached to you,  she has a jealousy for your attention is a concern.

I think a good family therapist could unravel the layers and find out what's going on with her.  

Best wishes.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I guess my first question would be, do you allow her to do this?  How do you handle the phone calls when you're late and the silent treatments?  I don't want to make it sound like you are responsible for the problem...I don't feel that way at all...but you must have done something, either consciously or not, to allow her to start this behavior.

Have you tried setting limits with her?  Shut your cell phone off on the way home, or if you do keep it on for emergencies and it's her with another one of her "parenting" phone calls, do you explain to her that you are an adult and you do not need to answer to her?  Do you give her a time when you will be home and adhere to it and then not allow her to call anymore or do you come straight home?

If you haven't tried things like that, that would be my first suggestion.  Stop allowing her to be the adult and control your life.  Let her throw her fits.  Let her give you the silent treatment.  Make the cake if you want to make the cake.  Enforce some limits and consequences.  No, she won't like it but tough you-know-what.  She's 14.  Sometimes she doesn't get a choice.  

Regardless of any of that, though, or what you have tried or not tried and regardless of how this started, I think it's time to take your daughter to a professional.  Start setting limits at home with her, but arrange for some therapy at the same time.  You are right that this is not at all healthy or normal.  Even if you did something unwittingly to encourage this, it now seems entrenched and getting worse.  What really scares me is her saying she'd kill the new baby.  That is NOT a rational thought process and she has crossed into obsession at this point.  This is stalking behavior.  Your daugther may have a personality disorder and you can do nothing to treat that.  

The bottom line is you can't let a 14 year old run your life, and she deserves a more better-adjusted existance than obsessing over her mother all the time as well.  

Helpful - 0
2 Comments
hello, i would suggest you need to really connect with her. she is not feeling internally connected to you. i can understand it is very dificult to look after 3 kids as single parent. I also feel she might be a hypersensitive kid. you just have to really care about few of her needs and she will be the best kid. your mood affects her. you need to be cool and calm in any situation.Always keep smiling , after all you really dont need to take life seriously. Dont nag her for anything.
This is a ridiculous response- they are too connected as it is. I believe she may have a budding a personality disorder which no amount of good parenting can cure. Do
all you can to prepare her to leave as soon as she graduates from high school or you may be in for a lifetime of caretaking her.
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