NINE YR. OLD OUT OF CONTROL

[Lostmother27]

I HAVE A NINE YR OLD AND A FOUR MONTH OLD.  I WOULD SAY OVER THE PAST THREE YRS HE HAS BEEN BECOMMING OUT OF ORDER.  HE NOW IS OUT OF CONTROL ACTING OUT AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL.  LAST YEAR HIS TEACHER WAS SO FED UP WITH HIM SHE REFERRED HIM TO GET AN EVALUATION.  THE FINDINGS WERE THAT HE WAS A NORMAL CHILD.  AS FAR AS ACADEMICS HE IS ABOVE AVERAGE.  I SAY HE IS VERY SMART BUT JUST DOESNT MEET UP TO HIS FULL POTENTIAL.  HIS FATHER IS NOT TOUGH WITH HIM, HE WALKS ALL OVER HIM.  HE IS VERY DISRESPECTAL TOWARDS HIM AND HIS STEPFATHER.  HIS STEPFATHER HAS BEEN AROUND FOR 2 YRS.  I'VE BEEN SEPERATED WITH HIS FATHER SINCE HE WAS CLOSE TO 3 YRS OLD.  HE HAS A GREAT FAMILY, GRANDPARENTS SPOIL HIM RIDICULOUSLY, THIS CHILD HAS EVERYTHING U CAN THINK OF.  AS PUNISHMENT I DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO USE GAMES/TOYS IF HE MISBEHAVES.  BUT IT DOESNT SEEM TO PHASE HIM AT ALL.  AS FAR AS FAMILY INTERACTION I WOULD SAY IT IS GOOD, WE SPEND QUALITY TIME TOGETHER, TRAVEL AND I TRY TO MEET ALL HIS NEEDS.  NOW IT HAS GOTTEN TO THE POINT WHERE HE IS TO DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS EVERYONE.  WELL WHEN HE DOESNT GET HIS WAY.  HE DOESNOT WALK AROUND SCREAMING AT THE WORLD BUT HE ANSWERS BACK, MUMBLES AND SAYS VERY NASTY COMMENTS TO ALL, WHEN HE FEELS LIKE IT OTHER TIMES HES FINE.  I DONT KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, I FEEL I JUST LOST CONTROL OF HIM.  I TRY TO COMMUNICATE AND ASK HIM IF SOMETHING IS BOTHERING HIM HE REPLIES NO AND SOMETIMES ADDS THAT HES TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO.  I DID NOT EXPECT THIS FROM HIM AT SUCH AN EARLY AGE.  FRIENDS TELL ME TO PUT HIM IN BOOTCAMP AND TO GET TOUGH WITH HIM, I AM TOUGH WHEN NEEDED. I DONT KNOW WHETHER MAYBE SOME TYPE OF THERAPY WOULD HELP. I WORK WITH KIDS.  I HAVE A 9 TO 5 JOB.  HE SEES HIS FATHER ON THE WEEKNDS AND IS VERY DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS HIM HE LASHES OUT AT ANYTHING.  SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE HE IS JUST TOO SPOILED.????HIS STEPFATHER HAS ALWAYS BEEN GREAT WITH HIM BUT I KNOW HE IS GETTING FUSTRATED BECAUSE OF HIS NASTY ATTITUDE HE TALKS TO HIM BUT IT LIKE HE IS NOT HEARING ANYTHING SAID TO HIM.  WE ARE IN THE BRONX, NY TOUGH CITY, KIDS HAVE TOUGH ATTITUDES BUT THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.  HE SHOULDNT HAVE SUCH A BAD ATTITUDE WITH HIS FAMILY.  WE ARE NOT PERFECT BUT I FIND WE ARE STABLE.  HE CAN BE THE SWEETEST BOY AT TIMES ITS NOT LIKE HE IS 24/07 WITH A BAD ATTITUDE, WHEN HE IS WITH ME HE ANSWERS BACK BUT I THINK HE KNOWS THERE IS A THIN LINE BUT SOMETIMES HE CROSSES IT.  HE IS DEFENITELY MORE DISRESPECTFUL WITH EVERYONE ELSE THEN ME AND WHEN IM NOT AROUND, I GUESS HE IS NOT AT ALL INTIMIDATED BY ANYONE ELSE.  BUT I THINK I CAN ONLY HOLD ON A LITTLE MORE, SLOWLY HE IS LIKE GETTING WORSE WITH ME ALSO.  I TRIED TO PUT IN AS MUCH INFO REGARDING OUR FAMILY TO HELP TO SEE IF THIS SITUATION COULD BE HEALED.  PLEASE HELP THERAPY BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION THERAPY WHAT DO U SUGGEST.

[upsetmotherof2]

A related discussion, Out of control 9 year old girl was started.

[jesuslvr]

hi, I too have the same problems with my soon to be 9 year old son. We have had problems with him since he was 3 years of age. He was diagnosed with ADHD and for a short while he was on Meds. After noticing the meds were not working but having a negative effect I decided to stop the meds. Here lately I have been attending church regularly and that is the only thing that seems to be working. I really believe that there are times that for whatever reason we have lost control and we have to let God take control of our situation. In a way it's surrending to God our children, our family, our home. When my son begins to throw a tantrum I try to talk to him about God and when he does listen we pray together. If I cannot get his attention I pray that God will give me the strentgh and wisdom to deal with whatever situation is at hand. I'm not saying it's all pretty and easy all the time because trust me sometimes I don't think I can handle it but God's grace is sufficient enough to get me through it. I believe it's our responsibility as parents to encourage our kid's to live a life according to God's word  and it's up to us to direct them in his ways. So I encourage all of you parents with this problem to begin seeking God for the     answer , he is above all our doctor, healer , all powerful.I encourage you mom's to pick up " The power of a praying mother(mom)" book by stormie omartian. Excellent author, she includes  scriptures and prayers in her book. Let's not give up on our kids, we are all they have to guide them. My heart goes out to all of you, I will be praying for everyone on this bulletin.

" I command you- be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord you God is with you wherever you go" Joshua 1:9


God Bless Everyone!!!

[Mom in Maryland]

Alibaby did your son ever say why his attidued had changed. What has been going on in his life? Has he lost anyone close to him? Are you and the father getten along? Sometimes kids take out their anger and frustration on their parents and teachers and you need to ask him what is going on in his life for him to act this way. How long ago did he start with this? Just like my BF son and him not listening to me we dont know what is going on there. We have tried everything and we dont really fight in front of him for him to see it. So I know how you feel. Cause it seems like what my Bf son is doing is pulling me and my Bf apart as well. The only thing is we have no family to turn to all we have is each other. If you want to chat more let me know and maybe we can exchange emails address.

[AliBaby]

Hello. Just looking for info on how to deal with my 9 yo sons behaviour. He was diagnosed last year with adhd and is becoming increasingly agressive towards me. He has been suspended from school 4 times in the last 4 months. His school work is suffering. He is on an EIP but that isn't helping. He has been taking adderall for about one month. It seemed to be working but now he is returning to his agressive behaviour. His father and I don't know what to do. We've been blaming ourselves alot. His therapist, teachers and principal are unable to get him to talk about his feelings. This whole situation is pulling our family apart. Our kids fight more and my husband and I can't agree on how to handle this. I'm glad to have found this site and I will continue to check in to get various points of view.

[sisterbecca]

QUESTION:Have a 9 year old little sister ive benn taking care of for a while now well her mom was sent to prsion for 4 years she went and stayed with her dad for the last year just came back two months ago now shes always lieing went from strait a s last year to failed this year she lyes about things theres no reason to lie i also have a 3 year old son that shes hitting, bitting pinching. our dad took her to the Doc they put her on prozak i looked that meds up it says for depresstion i dont see that in her i do see shes hurt but what i read about prozak was its for major depresstion she gets to talk and write her mother and see her dad every day it seems latly iam trying to buy her in to behaving i dont no what to do should i take her to get anthor appion on whats going on
she attends chruch and gets to go on what we like to call a family night every weekend i dont under stand what has happend
its not just her mother going to prison because ive always had her off and on while her mom was in and out of jail due to drug abuse unfourtinly due to her mothers new charge child neglect
she cant have more acess to her mother but phone calls and writting so iam left with buying my sisters love just to try to make her behave but this is no longer working thank becca

[mommie2]

Hi all, I understand about the bootcamp idea. I have an 8 year old who has been different sense he was about 3 . When in pre school I was told he had a behavior problem, he would act out and not listen in the classroom or at home. He entered into counseling at the age of 6 and was diagnosed with obstinance defiance disorder, means a defiant stubborn child basically. He would lie about everything also.

His counselor saw him for 2 years and then said she could not help him anymore and that I needed a psychiatrist. We found one and he was diagnosed with Bipolar disoder and put on meds. Before the meds he would slam doors, tell me he hated me, did not care about punishment and was very embarrasing in public. He is a loving child about 1/4 of the time but the rest it is like a war zone in my home. After the meds he was my loving son again but the meds stopped working. I am now seeking a new Dr because the old one refused to change meds. He has been suspended from school in the third grade and it is a battle every day.

You must seek help through couselors or psychologists, our children deserve to have a happy childhood and we, as adults, are here to give them any help needed to achieve this happiness.

[Mom in Maryland]

Hi everyone I just need someone to chat with. I have a step son so to speak cause I have been in his life now since Sept of 2001. Well I am going through some rough times with him still. He dont want to listen to me. He is disrepectful towards me. He crys when I tell him to do something. He gives me a hard time about his homework. He talks back. Well his father and I give him rules. He seems to follow them for the most part when his father is home but when he is not its another story. We make him write the house rules. Well he wont even do that when his dad is not home. He gets things taken from him. Not allowed to go places fun when bad. Well all of this does not even seem to work or bother him. He will act upset for a few minutes then its like no big deal to him. He gets me so upset I just want to scream and cry. I really no longer know what to do. I get tired of talking to his father about this stuff. I am have tried to set the boy down and talk to him. But I get nothing from him except I dont know. His mother passed away in Oct of 2001 when he was 3. So I even set him down to explain to him Iam not here to take her place but Iam here for him if he needs me. But he wants to walk all over me all the time. What can I do? This may be the breaking point in my realsionship with the father. Cause if things are bad now they can only get worse. Anyone have any advice to help me.

[Svf960305]

We are in VERY similar shoes (could they be twins? lol), my 9 year old son acts the same way; I also have a 5 month old son.  The main difference is that we are still married, however, we lost our daughter in 2003 at the age of 8 months.  My son has been in trouble with the school since pre-k.  Over the years i've tried counseling, everything I've read from discipline to rewards, tough love to being lax.  NOTHING has seemed to help.  He is snotty and beligerent to adults as well as other children.  It hurts so much that other children don't want to hang around him.  He can be very loving and helpful (10% or so of the time); the other remaining times he will tell us to "be quiet" or "whatever" (along with the eye roll).  His father is a laid back type of personality and i'm more of an "in charge" type.  He doesn't lack for anything (and probably too spoiled), his grades are well (2nd highest in his class).  I have taken away his prized toy (Playstation 2) until his behavior is better-he must get all "S" (satisfactory) in the behavioral criteria on his report card (being nice to others, listening to teacher, follows directions etc.)  This has been met with a mesh of "I don't care" attitude, yelling that I'm mean and "oh well, I guess I'll never get it back" statements.  It's like he doesn't want to change.  I don't live in the city- but in a very rural area.  As he's been an "only child" for so long- I don't know what to do.  I KNOW we need assistance in determining what rules have to be made, what consequences would be fitting for the situation; but, where do I go?  who do I ask?  who do I need to see?  Others (if never put in a situation with a child that is VERY STRONG WILLED and DEFIANT) are unaware of the daily difficulty and strain it takes to keep strong and what a long (tiring) struggle a normal day becomes.  (Not to mention the added stress/care of a baby).  I understand where you are coming from.  I've thought of boot-camp as well as a military type school (although we can't even begin to be able to afford it.)
In case you think these children need love- they get that from us as well as aunts/uncles/grandparents.  It's not that... it truly is their personality.  We are writing this as we know if it is THIS bad at 9, what is 15 going to be like?  What's next?

[Tiggy the Tigger Girl]

BOOT CAMP!??!
That child is NINE YEARS OLD.
I don't know who your friends are, but I hope they aren't parents, and if they are, I hope their children never hit their teen years and stay perfect little angels, cuz they are poor equipped to handle problems.

DO NOT send your child to boot camp at NINE years of age.

You mentioned a stepfather? That might just be a cause. Do the discipline methods of all the parental figures differ? That can be a big factor. Maybe ADHD? It seems to fit. I was like that before my medicine and get like that if I don't take it. All bad attitude and just general suckiness.

Getting tough won't help, at least not in the boot camp way. Therapy does wonders if you get him the right kind of therapy. But reading about the boot camp thing just completely threw me. That would make him resentful and hateful of you, even more defiant!

Tiggy

[lucyfan]

I am currently dealing with a situation with my son. He is going to be 8 this year. He goes a while without having any issues in school and then I hear from his teacher that he is acting out. I address it with him and then it goes away. When I try to discipline him at home, he throws a temper tantrum. I am getting married in September and am adjusting to a life with a soon to be 10 year old step son as well. It has been very difficult to try and blend both families while dealing with my son's behavior. He is the most important thing to me, but it is starting to cause problems in my relationship with my fiance.  He does not know how to handle situations well and quite frankly can be embarrasing out in public when he gets in to one of his moods. I have discussed this with his doctor who wants me to go to a counselor first. Just looking for some advice.....

[azheart]

I am going through something very similar, i have responded in this forum before and am amazed at the amount of parents dealing with this situation. My daughter is 10, and began really acting differently during Christmas vacation, she went from a loving, outgoing and confident child to almost opposite, it has gotten worse over the weeks, tantrums (screaming rages) in public, refusal to go to school (has been out 3 weeks now), has begun to lie, throw objects and her defiance has increased rapidly. She has seen a child phsycologist, and will see a physiciatrist this week, I also have made an appointment with a nuerologist to check for any physical reasoning behind this sudden change of behavior. There have been no traumatic family issues, such as death, illness, etc...the school counseler, principal and truancy officers are mystified by her behavior as she has never had issues at school. At one point I tried to leave her there while crying, the truancy officer tried to get her to class to no avail, she kicked and hit and he finally had no choice but to send her home.We have gone over everything we can think of that may lead to this change, myself and my husband, the doctors, the school have tried to understand and asked her if there is anything she may have gone through that could cause this to happen, she insists there is nothing. At one point in the fall, she did fall off a swing (i was unaware till days later when she mentioned it offhanded)i wonder if there is a possibility this may have caused this behavior? Night time is the worst, she throws tantrums and wakes everyone in the house up if i refuse to get out of bed at 2 in the morning to tuck her in, and she wants to sleep in my room, the physc. advised i not give in at all, so i tell her no, she gets extremely angry and just goes balistic, her little 5 year old sister is very nervous now, and even asks "i wish i had the old m back".....please help if anyone has learned anything new or can lead me to some sort of rescourse that may have some answers, I am really afraid for my daughter's well being as well as the happiness and health of our family unit.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Your son definitely needs some professional intervention. It is possible he displays mood disorder or a type of disruptive behavior disorder. It also sounds like you could use some help with systematic behavior management. Arrange an appointment with a clinical psychologist, clinical social worker or clinical nurse specialist. Be sure the clinician, of whatever discipline, specializes in treatment of children and families.