Need some help with my 5 yr old son. Please

[Artizam]

My wife and I have a five yr old and a three yr old.  I'm having the hardest time just letting him be a child.  We have neighbor kids on both sides of our house, and my son loves playing with them.  However, they tend to shun him from time to time.  The one other boy, has told my son "go away, your annoying me" and today he invited the other kids inside his house, and told my son he wasn't welcome.  I'm stumped because I want to do whats best, and let my son grow without inhibiting him, yet, I also don't want him to be disrespected.  Help please

[Sandman2]

   While its important to teach a child how to deal with rejection, its also very important to teach a child how to have fun with other kids.  And that involves as specialmom says, setting the stage for success.  Follow her ideas and things will work out.

[RockRose]

I agree with SM.  

But I do have this question to ask. Is it your son who needs this approval from  this difficult neighbor,  or is it YOU who needs your son to be approved by this difficult kid?

My guess is,  it's you who needs your sons approval.

Find other friends for him.  This will turn out well, I would guess.

[specialmom]

Oh, this really explains a lot.  

I do relate to issues with your child such as speech issues.  My older son has sensory integration disorder as I mentioned which means that we had an uphill struggle with friendships with him.  It was a bit of work to help him lalong and you may need to do this with your child as well.  I think it is unrealistic to expect the older girls to be that into playing with your son.  Maybe you'll get this summer out of that but when they are 9 and 8, it's doubtful they will find a younger boy that interesting especially if they are dodging their own younger brother.  The 5 year old, I don't know why he isn't thrilled to have an age mate to play with.  Who knows?

But what you CAN control is helping your son be more social (both of them actually).  Does your son go to school?  (he's 5 so he probably does).  Who does he mention from school?  Maybe ask his teachers who he plays with in school.  And then make contact with the parents of that child and plan a play date.  Perfect--- whomever is home can handle the playdate and do as Rockrose said . . .   make it BIG fun.  Be involved the whole time to help it along.  Guide our child with the interaction so that he gets really good at it.  Go to parks if you don't have anyone to ask over.  There are always other kids there.  Take some toys to play with and you help by starting a game with another child that is also at the park.  I've done this about 10,000 times!  Young kids like parents----  so I'd start playing with my son and a child or two at the park would start to play with us and then I'd guide social interaction.  I also signed my son up for things like soccer at 5.  I looked at joining a team as a social experience.  You can help coach if you are worried about him.  

I really don't think you can spoil a child with love.  We CAN isolate our kids a bit though.  Better to provide lots of opportunities for positive social interaction.  

as to needing the other boys approval---  he's so young, he doesn't get the big picture yet.  So, just have other kids available more often so he isn't so needy for this one boy in particular.  WHO, I might add, will become more interested the moment he sees that you have fun play dates at your house.  

good luck

[Artizam]

Thx for the response guys, I'm encouraged that there is hope, seeing that I'm not alone in this.  To elaborate, my oldest son had/has a speech delay, and doesn't always understand what is being said to him by his peers.  To make things worse, my youngest has a very delayed speech disorder.  I can't tell you how hard this is, knowing that I only want whats best for them.  I can't help but wonder that our choice to spoil them with love, had something to do with their conditions.  For the most part, they didn't have much of an opportunity to play with others until we recently moved in to our new house.  My wife and I work separate shifts to avoid the need for babysitters but in return, they didn't get much social time with friends.

Anyways, regarding his friends, the two older girls (8 and 7) seem to put up with his behavior, but it's the other 5 yr old that treats him cold.  A perfect example just took place when the kids turned on the hose outside.  The neighbor boy ran in and taddled on my son for getting him wet.  When I went outside, my son was soaked from the boy.  When I asked that the boys make up, my son said he was sorry, and the other one said "I'm never coming back" and my son lost it.  I just wish there was a way to communicate to my son that he doesn't need this boys approval to be happy.

[RockRose]

Good thoughts,  SM.  My oldest would say wacky things like "will you be my friend"? to new acquaintances  when he was 4.  That is a friendship killer right off the bat - didn't we all learn that from Casper?  Look what happened when HE said that!!  That's the reaction my son always got.  Instead,  I would put fun stuff in his pockets when we went to the park - sometimes little wheeled toys to send down the slide.  Other kids would join in and share and have "races" down the slide.  Or he would build a little "town" in the pea gravel of a park and other kids would be attracted to that and join in.  What worked best was to begin playing at something that made other kids intrigued and want to join in.  

I agree, having a friend over and playing with them is great.  Getting out all the playdough stuff,  or creating a tower of empty soda cans they could throw rocks at,  etc.,  is a great way to build your child's social circle.  

Hopefully your younger son will do great on his new sports team.  I wonder if he could bring green apple bubble gum at practice or something like that to share?  

[specialmom]

Oh yes.  It is always wise to be realistic about any social skills deficits that our own kids have.  My older son had to work on this.  He has sensory processing disorder and with that, comes social skills troubles.  We have gotten him to a place in which he handles things much better and knows things like letting others talk as much as him (young kids love to dominate conversation with their favorite topics), taking turns talking, not standing too close, respecting others space and things, being 'in the know' as to what other kids are into, not bragging, not correcting others, not playing too rough, not crying for no reason, playing fair, sharing/taking turns appropriately, not having to have things their own way in a game, etc.  All of those things are play skills that a child may need to work on.  

My younger son has had a much easier time of it.  He makes friends easily and quickly.  However, he is at the same time, very shy.  If there is a group of kids, he has trouble just joining in.  So instead, he does wacky things for attention from the group.  We are working on this as certainly, that is no way to break into a group (IE:  he just joined a new sports team in which the other boys have all played together before and know each other well and he feels like odd many out. . .   probably not the best idea to be a nut at practice to get their attention . . .   )  

Anyway, it is good to observe your child and at 5, I honestly was always pretty close by paying attention to what was going on and even playing WiTH the kids sometimes.  The kids LOVED it.  They still like parent interaction at 5.  

[RockRose]

This is hard.  My oldest son had difficult social skills when he was a preschooler - and I had to role-play interactions that would make other kids drawn to him.  

It sounds like your son is either younger than the other kids,  or has a personality that doesn't mesh with this one boy.  Not all kids get along,  and kids should be able to choose their friends based on who they like.  The situation you describe - where the boy wanted to invite some of the group to his house but not your son is extremely tough.  Even adults don't know how to handle that,  besides quietly whispering to each other "let's go over to Jeannie's house after lunch" and then slinking off away from the one they wanted to avoid.

I completely agree with filling his time with friends from other streets,  and also inviting one of the  kinder children from the two houses over to your house,  and make it FUN.  A dad-led game of hide-and-seek,  pizza,  a trip out for snow cones,  something that the other kid will enjoy.  

Your son may do much better one-on-one than in a group.  Having one buddy over at a time might be more his speed.

I also think you need to be very open to the thought that maybe his behavior is irritating to other kids.  It really does help to watch interactions and pinpoint where the problems are.

Watching your kids get rejected is SO hard,  I think we all get that.  It's worse than being rejected yourself.

Best wishes.

[specialmom]

Are these kids older than him?  I would work to find other kids in the neighborhood to play with and have playdates over to the house.  Then he'll be less reliant on them.  

However, I do think it is mean of the other kids to say "go away, you are annoying me".  sounds like THEY may have an older sibling or something and are told that themselves.  I'd tell your son that those aren't nice words.  The other kids should be kinder.  NOT that they have to play with him all the time (especially if they are a different age)----  frankly, if they are prone to being kind of nasty kids, then I'd not really want my son with that kind of kid anyway.

Kids at 5 are kind of fickle.  I read that Loyalty and true friendship for many starts around age 9.  I don't know if that is true or not but kids need some guidance on how to treat others and often a parent is completely unaware of what their kids are doing like what you describe.  Use this as a teachable moment to say----  that makes  you feel crummy, doesn't it.  Make sure you never treat anyone like that.  If you don't want to play---  there are ways to handle it but being mean isn't one of them.  

Anyway, just fill his time with other kids and if he sometimes plays with them and it goes well----  great.  If not, then he's got others that he is building friendships with.

We had a couple of kids in our neighborhood that were twins and my son was the same age.  They never were very nice to my son.  It bugged me for a while until I just said "whatever' and gave up my idea of that perfect neighborhood friendship.  We found other friends.  As the boys got older---  and my son was less in 'need' of them . . .   they liked him better and wanted him around more.  But he was never that interested again in them.  So, sometimes it is just the dynamics of kids and you move on.  

good luck

[MarkLakewood3367]

Rejection is just a part of life.  Everyone goes through it.  It really cannot be avoided.  I think that it would be appropriate for you to teach your son social skills in how to cope with rejection.  You cannot stop kids from disrespecting your son.  You can only teach your son how to cope with being disrespected by others.  This is a skill that your son will rely on for the rest of his life.  Don't try to protect or shelter him from emotional pain.  Give him the skills to best cope with that pain.  This way when he experiences similar pain later on for which he will because it cannot be avoided, he will know how to best cope with it rather than counting on your to protect him and to fix the situation.