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Avatar universal

Omg please help. I dont even know how to word this.

My 6yr old stepdaughter... Yesterday was beyond words as to how I feel.I'm still trying to wrap my thoughts around it. My stepdaughter has issues with her mother not being around. I'm used to taking the normal lash out from her.. I don't approve or like it.. But I understand it.. To a degree.
Yesterday she was telling me that she wished she could get her mom out her head. That all she does is think about her and dream about her all the time. She said that's why she's bad and don't listen ... She told me she wants me to be her real mom and is majorly kissing butt ... So As the day progresses I know something is up. I hadn't figured out what exactly tho..
Fast forward to shower time, she calls me in there and asks me where the conditioner is that I had just bought her.. I start looking and looking everywhere... She tells me that she don't know hasn't seen it. So she gets out and helps me look, even suggested I wrote a note to ask if anyone has seen this conditioner (we live w family).. The whole time won't leave my side... Talkin about she wants me to be happy and can me n her dad hurry up n get married. Even made a song up that she asked him to sing. It was a cute song.
Later were still wondering about the location of the conditioner. Her dad goes outside to call his mom in a last person on list (we have a weird love hate) cause we really don't like talkin to her .. She has no idea.
I was inside hang in up her clothes and her dad comes in n tells me that my stepdaughter (same one) have it to the great grandmother so she could have soft hair too...
And my mind was instantly blown. What kind of person big or small does this whole madness. To have given it away ..  Ask me for it... Pretend to not know... Help me look for it ... Suggest how to find it... And finally tell her dad the truth. And I am just sitting there dumbstruck... I get why she gave it to her ggma.. But why out on the show of askin me for it? Helping me look for it?

Im so mad and hurt by this. I wouldn't have been mad she gave it away, I would just got more like I did. I think there's more to it same with her dad. But why is she doin this?
As of today she has yet to even acknowledge any type of guilty reaction nor apologize.. Its as tho she don't care. So I have lost all my heart n feelings per say when I think of her. I'm so past hurt and broke my heart. She really iced the cake with this one.. Ive always looked at her as my daughter. Always. But I can't even look at her now.  I'm not mad about the conditioner, it's the dealings and actions of all around it that has me so like wow!

I don't know what to do. I don't wanna make a decision mad. But I really don't wanna be around her. Period. I cannot trust her. She has taken her manipulating tactics to a whole new level up. Read prev. Post...

Please someone somewhere tell me what we need to do. I'm lost. I'm hopeless.
33 Responses
13167 tn?1327194124
Alice,  you are grossly overreacting.  I was waiting to get to the end of the post and to find out she had put your dog in the oven or drowned a neighbor's baby.  This is a 6 year old whose mom has rejected her,  and she's pining for her all the time.  Which is normal and healthy and connected.  That's what well children do when their moms reject them.  

I am really dismayed to read you said she was "kissing butt" when she was saying she wants you to be her real mom.  

Here's what she's going through.  At the age of 6,  children are very concerned with making sure they are safe.  They are completely dependent on adults for their food and shelter and emotional connection.  Her mother has rejected her completely, and she's trying to build a bridge so that she has you and her father to provide her needs.  That's not "kissing butt",  Alice.  

Who knows what happened with the conditioner.  My best guess is,  she know you overreact badly,  and thought you'd be mad at her if she generously gave the conditioner bottle away to her great grandmother,  so she pretended she didn't know where it was.  

If you intend to stay married to her father,  I'd very strongly suggest you take a class in parenting and child development.  Your reaction to this child is very off the mark and  is really distressing to read.
i agree,  she needs to take a class in parenting. You are talking about a 6 years old kid here.
I'm glad I'm not the only one ready to jump on this womans behavior.

I'm beginning to think this site draws in the worst of people, after seeing many screwed up confessions from parents.
Hi MR_, this is an older post but we do try to provide a safe, anonymous place where people can talk about things in their lives related to parenting and child behavior.  Some situations and things are complex and difficult. But they are someone's real life and we hope they can derive some benefit from hearing opinions of others.  
Alice, your feelings are valid just as the little girls. Stepping in the role of a step parent Isnt easy. People looking in from the outside will never get it. I advise you speak out, sit her down along with dad and talk to her about lying and how it us unhealthy. Yes the child is going through some insecurity issues with mom but that doesn’t take away the fact that she lied so this could be a teaching moment foe her. The goal here is to always remember to be kind loving and nurturing even in these moments. Talk about reality and make belief so that she has an understanding of a truth and a lie. Hope all works out for you.
Avatar universal
I think she did it for attention and perhaps to feel some control. Not a big deal at all especially considering the fact that her Mom is gone. She probably wants attention and to feel control. Please don't play with her emotions, if you love her, then love her unconditionally. This little thing should not be a big deal.
yeah I mean she is six
Avatar universal
At that exact age, for the first time in my life, I lied to my mother. I had no 'excuse' I had a wonderful childhood. But I didn't want her to tell me no. So I was really sweet to her all day then made up some story about nothing important, but it was to mensure at the time.  I was all la-de-da about everything. Then she sat me down, told me that she knew I had lied.  she knew I just didn't want her to say no. She read me scriptures from the Bible about Satan being the father of the lie and the importance of being obedient to my parents. By reasoning with me out of love, and through the bible, I was so ashamed but I still knew she loved me. I never lied to her again, I was quite convensed that she could see a lie a mile away. One of her favorite sayings was ' don't make a mountain out of a mole hill' remember u don't care about the conditioner, u care about her, and her actions. Praise her for being so generous, u are proud to have such a loving and caring step daughter. That being said, she should never feel like she needs to tell u a 'story' remind her that u know both of u are going to make mistakes, it's ok. Just remind yourself, is this worth fighting about? If I would have agreed to it anyways, why should I fight now? I also felt like bible study has always been an important part of our family, know someone greater then you is looking in ur heart for all the good u do, but also notices my mistakes helped me to make better decisions growing up. Sorry to write so much. I talk a lot too, lol!
Avatar universal
I don't know why it turned some of my letters into numbers, so sorry. The saying was Don't make a mountain over a mole hill. Is it really important enough to fight over or can u just let it go.sorry again about the long message!
Avatar universal
It really not that bad she trying to get on your good side and lets be honest shes 6YEARS old. Why are you mad at a 6 year old for asking for conditioner, yes it was for attention, but shes SIX. When my parents were going threw a divorce when I was a lot younger I met my stepmother when I was six. My twin sister ran up to her and said I want you to be my mommy. We both love and adore our mother, but when we were six we didnt know any better. We just knew that our dad loved her. So you need to stop overreacting.
Avatar universal
I honestly cannot fathom not wanting to be around a six year-old child because they lied about a shampoo bottle. The fact that this is a huge ordeal to you is questionable and quite concerning; more concerning than her actions.  What she did was obviously wrong, but your reaction is over the top. Maybe you should take some time to reflect on whether or not you have the maturity and capacity to take part in a parental role in this little girls life.
Avatar universal
Her mother has rejected her and she's afraid that you'll reject her too. That's why she's overly sweet, lies because she's afraid that the truth will push you away. Why she is giving things away it's so that ppl will like her. She just wants to be wanted & liked, so she lies & "manipulates". Many hugs.
973741 tn?1342342773
I don't want to pile on.  :>)  I think it is easy to get caught up in the moment and forget the big picture.  She may be a bit afraid of you. Both for punishment and rejection.  And it is true that your natural reaction to this is rejection.  I would be frustrated too to have wasted my time, energy and emotion on a search for something that the child knew exactly what had happened to it but she's very young and trying to please everyone.  Be a rock for her.  what she needs?  You to give her a big hug and say "you could have just told me.  It's okay.  I love you no matter what."  Oh my, what that would do for this little girl!  
Avatar universal
I think a little family therapy is needed here, and some parenting groups for blended families. She was abandon by Biomom, that alone could cause long term behavioral problems, Daddy is now splitting his attention w/ her and you. Her emotions are all over the place. If you no longer can stand to be around her and shes only 6. I don't see a happy future for any of you. Get some professional advice before its too late. She lost 1 mother, next one doesnt look too promising either.
Avatar universal
You have lost all love for this kid over a lie? It sounds to me like she is extremely desperate for attention. Kids don't differentiate between good and bad attention. Attention is attention, and kids who are seeking it will sometimes enjoy negative attention more than the positive. Does she get any real attention from either of her parents? I'm guessing that either you are at your wits end because of some horrendous thing that you failed to tell us about, or she's seeking attention (any kind) that she's not getting, as she seems to be surrounded by family members who are ready to throw in the towel on loving her over a bottle of shampoo
Avatar universal
Alice, Sweetheart.  I know you are confused and feel invalidated, and that you are losing the battle.  But please just forgive this young child.  She is desperate for love, and specifically, love from YOU. YOU ARE HER MOTHER NOW, like it or not.  We moms forgive ALL of our childrens mistakes, and believe me, there will be many!  Your problem is that you are taking her mistake personally.  Real moms do not do this.  We do not ignore mistakes, but we lovingly correct them. At this point in time, she is obsessing on the fact that she does not have a mother.  She is extremely insecure, and is therefore trying to buy the love and approval of others.  She thought her ggma would love her more if she helped her look nice too.  This is all about trying to get love and approval. At the same time, she did NOT want you to get angry at her (lose your love) for giving away the conditioner, so she concocted an elaborate demonstration to prove to you that she was not responsible for the conditioner going missing. The women above have terrific advice for you.  Correct her using the Bible as a guide, but you also must reassure her that you unconditionally love her too!  Do not add to her pain and trauma by turning against her.  She is still only a baby!  You act as though she is a mature grown-up who is pulling a stunt.  This is not the case.  Give this girl what she desperately needs: unconditional love and understanding.  Put yourself in her shoes. In addition, recognize that bonding takes two to three years to become a secure bond.  Build up this bond, don't tear it down.  Raising children requires constant LOVING guidance and direction, so they learn to choose the right path. There will be many mistakes as children grow up, as you will learn when you too give birth to little ones.  This girl is very fortunate that she has you in her life.  Make sure she knows this is a blessing and that she is blessed because you are choosing to be her mother out of the love and goodness in your heart.  One more thing that needs to be addressed is that every time she pushes you away, it's only a TEST, to find out if you truly love her or are only faking it.  Don't be a fake. Be her loving, FORGIVING mother. Replace the image in her mind of her biomom with YOUR loving face!  Choose LOVE. With LOVE, and forgiveness, you will WIN the battle.  God bless you and your family!
Avatar universal
I really hope that you read these answers! I am so sad for this little girl and worried about your reaction. You have the power here to make or break this little girls life. If your not up to dropping your pride and worrying more about her then yourself...please leave her dad and let him take care of her. You can do this. Learn from all of these comments and make it right. If you don't and you choose to stick around it will inly get worse.
Avatar universal
people lie when they are afraid to tell the truth. At 6 she probably thought you would b e really upset that she gave away the conditioner and didn't know what to do.  Maybe she thought you would not love her anymore because she felt like she did a "bad thing" by giving it away and it looks like she was right. You can change your mind on this and just love her... I promise you that over the years to come you will be so happy that you were given this incredible opportunity to make a difference in this little girl's life... talk to her about telling the truth and let her know that your love for her is 100% unconditional and have it be so. Had you given birth to her, would your reaction be the same? Think about this...this is a life lesson for both of you
Avatar universal
Wow I can't believe you truly think this 6 year old is being bad
I can't believe your reaction
For Christ sake at 6 your memory is very different than an adult
She probably doesn't remember that she gave the conditioner away
I hope you educate yourself and try to learn about the emotional state of mind this child is in right now
I find it hard to believe you want to have such a strong opinion on this when you OBVIOUSLY DID NOT READ THE WHOLE question/entry! She states pretty clearly that kiddo told her dad that she gave it to grandma. So she was well aware it wasn't there and what happened to it etc. What is koNammm??
The fact thst she is so afraid of being honest with stepmom; afraid enough that she even helped her look for the missing product... That is Disturbing as hell. I do agree that stepmom is over reacting but I dont believe she FORGOT she gave it to grandma considering she then told dad the entire situation! So although I understand why stepmom is so upset; I also can see where the kid may possibly becoming from and THAT is more of a concern. 6 yr olds are tough..... but this response is a bit excessive! You are very correct, I just dont think the age allows any justidication for the lying I guess. Thats all
I find it interesting that youre attacking someone who has nothing to do with the issue being presented,  not from any angle, rather than addressing the issue in the subject post directly, nor did this person say anything out of line. You are mirroring the subject posters response to the 6 year old, which says a great deal about YOU, and your own past.
That was directed to GratefulAI

I Just realized the format of the website makes it difficult to discern who you are responding directly to.
Avatar universal
She may have been seeking your attention. Two of my kids start acting out, lying, and acting awful when they feel the need for attention. But there are three kids, myself, and my significant other who works crazy hours and shifts. My first two jump back and forth between our home and their dads. Maybe in a day or two, sit down with her and ask her what happened. If she says she forgot or she was worried that you would be angry, remind her that you wouldnt have been. Then ask her if she would like to start going on girl dates. You two could go see a movie or go to breakfast or make jewelry or whatever. When we go grocery shopping or to pick up dinner, we alternate kids to take as big helpers. Usually its one adult and one kid. It helps make them feel important and spend some one-on-one time. Good luck. Dont take it personal. If she really is being vindictive, dont show her that it bothers you. I counteract if with the proper behavior. Because kids learn by example. If you show a bad example, her behavior will be out of control. Always be the best example.
Avatar universal
I just have to reiterate what has already been stated above. She is a six year old little girl, who has had to deal with some things in life that are truly sad. Your (over)reaction concerns me SO so much. She needs mature, stable, loving and consistent adults in her life that can provide a sense of security. And the threat of even more rejection can do serious damage to an already fragile child. As others have stated, she understandably seeks acceptance and love. Gifting the conditioner to her GG was one way, in her young mind, to do that. Not telling the truth was likely a means to avoid your anger and rejection. As the ADULTS in the household, it is your and her father's  job to now have calm conversation about this incident, and also provide a safe place to open up. As a mom to my two (now college age) kids, I chose to view negatives as a "learning situation". Communication being key. Lastly, and I can not stress this strongly enough...THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!  you need to understand this. Her actions have nothing to do with you. And this relatively minor incident should also not be taken as a big affront to you. Think of this child first. You are a big girl, out any selfish notions aside at this point. You have a fabulous opportunity here, to turn a little life around for the better.
Beautifully said. Thank you for such kind words of advise. As an adult survivor of child abuse, I wish someone, anyone would've said that to my mum.
Children are children and can never be expected to think as adults do.
My prayers go out to this family, I hope they get the help they need. Raising a grandchild must be very challenging, but this young girl needs love, guidance and compassion.
Avatar universal
You are not alone unfortunately! My now husband and I started dating when my step daughter was 6. Her mother dropped from her life after minimal visits. She is now almost 12 and it has been HELL for almost 6 years now. MANIPULATION is not a strong enough word. Everyone tells me that she is angry and testing me to see if I will leave too. She is STILL constantly bringing up when it it was "just me and Dad" which was about 3 months! Nothing we do as a family is ever good enough, yet she hugs me and says I love you cinstantly. Please see a good family therapist ASAP dont wait like I did!
Avatar universal
She's 6 so just let it go. Kids do stupid things and don't think like adults do. She comes form a broken home remember. I think two things happened here: 1. She wanted your company. 2. She thought you'll get angry if you found out she gave it away. Or maybe she asked you for the conditioner to gauge your reaction and then got carried away with it.
This child needs love and proper guidance. You can sit down with her and tell her that you know the truth, that you love her no matter what and you forgive her, but in the future you'll want the truth from her. Build up trust and don't spend your time feeling upset over the actions of a small child from a broken family.
Avatar universal
Is this for real? Kids do weird things. Its part of their lil minds growing and molding. Believe it or not that lil incident was a bonding moment which I'm  was the point. Not to doop you. Theres nothing wrong with her and in fact, her biggest fear is for you to think and say the things youre saying now. If one omittion has you running for the hills then I completely understand why she did it. As a mom you cant take things personal from a 6yr old or a 16 yr old. More importantly I think you should rethink your position in the relationship. Sounds like you have some growing up to do yourself. Things yoy say and do  or dont do can have major impacts on a childs life and future. Maybe your not ready for the responsibility. Its ok if youre not.
Avatar universal
Is this a joke, or is this for real?! The things you said are disgusting! I have a 6 year old daughter and she would probably do the same thing. Lie or make up a story out of fear...just like any other normal person! Like you've never done the same? Kids Like attention. Good or bad. She has kinda lost her mom, she is looking to you to fill that void, and you can't even handle a small no biggie situation?! I don't think you are ready to be or call yourself a step mother. It felt like I was reading Cinderella. Her giving the conditioner to Grandma so she could have soft hair was so cute. She wants to love and be loved in return. And you saying those nasty, hateful words about an innocent 6 year old CHILD...tells a lot about you. You must be young, bc you have a lot of growing up to do. You expect a child to act grown yet you take her actions like a personal attack. So very sad. Please bring God into your life. I will be praying for you and that poor little girl stuck in the middle since you obviously see her as some sort of distraction or burden in your life. When you signed up to be with her daddy, what did you think would happen...? Hello! Time to be a role model, hunny. Time to grow up.
I thought the same. Exactly.
Avatar universal
I'm sorry is this supposed to be some kind of a joke you're seriously continuing and acting like this is some horrible thing this little baby has done she probably just wanted your attention she obviously reached out to you at with the asking you to be her real mom didn't get any kind of normal response so stupid to next tactic she's sick what is wrong with you I think you're actually more of a hazard to This Little Child than anything I agree that you should probably leave her dad and stay far far away from this poor little girl
Here here. You are how old? She is six. At that age she has the decision making ability of a fish. Tell her you think that it was wonderful that she thought of her grandma. Tell her being kind to others is an important life skill. Then tell her you love her and move on. I am a step mother and get that it is often a thankless job. But it is a job so buck up and learn how to do it.
Avatar universal
I remember a key observation you mentioned. That she stayed close to you the whole time. Was this a subconscious way that her brain caused her to try to establish a connection to your body? Subconsciously(without understanding why she was acting this way) was she 'spending time with you'? I mean 'body to body' connecting by being close to you for an extended time. She needed that 'fix' of being close to you in the effort to replace her mother with you. Just wondering.
Find activities, inside and outside. Play catch the ball...anything to spend time with her. In other words, do the opposite of your own feelings. Does this make sense?
Avatar universal
Maybe she lent it to gma, then afterwards realized she was scared that you would get mad at her for it, so she pretended she didn't know.
Now that she lied, she is probably more confused and might have a hard time processing how to fix it with you, again.
Avatar universal
This is the saddest thing I’ve ever read. You probably should save her the extra pain and stay out of her life
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