Aa
A
A
A
Close
Child Behavior Community
14.2k Members
Avatar universal

Omg please help. I dont even know how to word this.

My 6yr old stepdaughter... Yesterday was beyond words as to how I feel.I'm still trying to wrap my thoughts around it. My stepdaughter has issues with her mother not being around. I'm used to taking the normal lash out from her.. I don't approve or like it.. But I understand it.. To a degree.
Yesterday she was telling me that she wished she could get her mom out her head. That all she does is think about her and dream about her all the time. She said that's why she's bad and don't listen ... She told me she wants me to be her real mom and is majorly kissing butt ... So As the day progresses I know something is up. I hadn't figured out what exactly tho..
Fast forward to shower time, she calls me in there and asks me where the conditioner is that I had just bought her.. I start looking and looking everywhere... She tells me that she don't know hasn't seen it. So she gets out and helps me look, even suggested I wrote a note to ask if anyone has seen this conditioner (we live w family).. The whole time won't leave my side... Talkin about she wants me to be happy and can me n her dad hurry up n get married. Even made a song up that she asked him to sing. It was a cute song.
Later were still wondering about the location of the conditioner. Her dad goes outside to call his mom in a last person on list (we have a weird love hate) cause we really don't like talkin to her .. She has no idea.
I was inside hang in up her clothes and her dad comes in n tells me that my stepdaughter (same one) have it to the great grandmother so she could have soft hair too...
And my mind was instantly blown. What kind of person big or small does this whole madness. To have given it away ..  Ask me for it... Pretend to not know... Help me look for it ... Suggest how to find it... And finally tell her dad the truth. And I am just sitting there dumbstruck... I get why she gave it to her ggma.. But why out on the show of askin me for it? Helping me look for it?

Im so mad and hurt by this. I wouldn't have been mad she gave it away, I would just got more like I did. I think there's more to it same with her dad. But why is she doin this?
As of today she has yet to even acknowledge any type of guilty reaction nor apologize.. Its as tho she don't care. So I have lost all my heart n feelings per say when I think of her. I'm so past hurt and broke my heart. She really iced the cake with this one.. Ive always looked at her as my daughter. Always. But I can't even look at her now.  I'm not mad about the conditioner, it's the dealings and actions of all around it that has me so like wow!

I don't know what to do. I don't wanna make a decision mad. But I really don't wanna be around her. Period. I cannot trust her. She has taken her manipulating tactics to a whole new level up. Read prev. Post...

Please someone somewhere tell me what we need to do. I'm lost. I'm hopeless.
30 Responses
13167 tn?1327197724
Alice,  you are grossly overreacting.  I was waiting to get to the end of the post and to find out she had put your dog in the oven or drowned a neighbor's baby.  This is a 6 year old whose mom has rejected her,  and she's pining for her all the time.  Which is normal and healthy and connected.  That's what well children do when their moms reject them.  

I am really dismayed to read you said she was "kissing butt" when she was saying she wants you to be her real mom.  

Here's what she's going through.  At the age of 6,  children are very concerned with making sure they are safe.  They are completely dependent on adults for their food and shelter and emotional connection.  Her mother has rejected her completely, and she's trying to build a bridge so that she has you and her father to provide her needs.  That's not "kissing butt",  Alice.  

Who knows what happened with the conditioner.  My best guess is,  she know you overreact badly,  and thought you'd be mad at her if she generously gave the conditioner bottle away to her great grandmother,  so she pretended she didn't know where it was.  

If you intend to stay married to her father,  I'd very strongly suggest you take a class in parenting and child development.  Your reaction to this child is very off the mark and  is really distressing to read.
1 Comments
i agree,  she needs to take a class in parenting. You are talking about a 6 years old kid here.
Avatar universal
I think she did it for attention and perhaps to feel some control. Not a big deal at all especially considering the fact that her Mom is gone. She probably wants attention and to feel control. Please don't play with her emotions, if you love her, then love her unconditionally. This little thing should not be a big deal.
1 Comments
yeah I mean she is six
Avatar universal
At that exact age, for the first time in my life, I lied to my mother. I had no 'excuse' I had a wonderful childhood. But I didn't want her to tell me no. So I was really sweet to her all day then made up some story about nothing important, but it was to mensure at the time.  I was all la-de-da about everything. Then she sat me down, told me that she knew I had lied.  she knew I just didn't want her to say no. She read me scriptures from the Bible about Satan being the father of the lie and the importance of being obedient to my parents. By reasoning with me out of love, and through the bible, I was so ashamed but I still knew she loved me. I never lied to her again, I was quite convensed that she could see a lie a mile away. One of her favorite sayings was ' don't make a mountain out of a mole hill' remember u don't care about the conditioner, u care about her, and her actions. Praise her for being so generous, u are proud to have such a loving and caring step daughter. That being said, she should never feel like she needs to tell u a 'story' remind her that u know both of u are going to make mistakes, it's ok. Just remind yourself, is this worth fighting about? If I would have agreed to it anyways, why should I fight now? I also felt like bible study has always been an important part of our family, know someone greater then you is looking in ur heart for all the good u do, but also notices my mistakes helped me to make better decisions growing up. Sorry to write so much. I talk a lot too, lol!
Avatar universal
I don't know why it turned some of my letters into numbers, so sorry. The saying was Don't make a mountain over a mole hill. Is it really important enough to fight over or can u just let it go.sorry again about the long message!
Avatar universal
It really not that bad she trying to get on your good side and lets be honest shes 6YEARS old. Why are you mad at a 6 year old for asking for conditioner, yes it was for attention, but shes SIX. When my parents were going threw a divorce when I was a lot younger I met my stepmother when I was six. My twin sister ran up to her and said I want you to be my mommy. We both love and adore our mother, but when we were six we didnt know any better. We just knew that our dad loved her. So you need to stop overreacting.
Avatar universal
I honestly cannot fathom not wanting to be around a six year-old child because they lied about a shampoo bottle. The fact that this is a huge ordeal to you is questionable and quite concerning; more concerning than her actions.  What she did was obviously wrong, but your reaction is over the top. Maybe you should take some time to reflect on whether or not you have the maturity and capacity to take part in a parental role in this little girls life.
Avatar universal
Her mother has rejected her and she's afraid that you'll reject her too. That's why she's overly sweet, lies because she's afraid that the truth will push you away. Why she is giving things away it's so that ppl will like her. She just wants to be wanted & liked, so she lies & "manipulates". Many hugs.
973741 tn?1342346373
I don't want to pile on.  :>)  I think it is easy to get caught up in the moment and forget the big picture.  She may be a bit afraid of you. Both for punishment and rejection.  And it is true that your natural reaction to this is rejection.  I would be frustrated too to have wasted my time, energy and emotion on a search for something that the child knew exactly what had happened to it but she's very young and trying to please everyone.  Be a rock for her.  what she needs?  You to give her a big hug and say "you could have just told me.  It's okay.  I love you no matter what."  Oh my, what that would do for this little girl!  
Avatar universal
I think a little family therapy is needed here, and some parenting groups for blended families. She was abandon by Biomom, that alone could cause long term behavioral problems, Daddy is now splitting his attention w/ her and you. Her emotions are all over the place. If you no longer can stand to be around her and shes only 6. I don't see a happy future for any of you. Get some professional advice before its too late. She lost 1 mother, next one doesnt look too promising either.
Avatar universal
You have lost all love for this kid over a lie? It sounds to me like she is extremely desperate for attention. Kids don't differentiate between good and bad attention. Attention is attention, and kids who are seeking it will sometimes enjoy negative attention more than the positive. Does she get any real attention from either of her parents? I'm guessing that either you are at your wits end because of some horrendous thing that you failed to tell us about, or she's seeking attention (any kind) that she's not getting, as she seems to be surrounded by family members who are ready to throw in the towel on loving her over a bottle of shampoo
1 Comments
Why do the commas turn into numbers on this thing!?
Avatar universal
Alice, Sweetheart.  I know you are confused and feel invalidated, and that you are losing the battle.  But please just forgive this young child.  She is desperate for love, and specifically, love from YOU. YOU ARE HER MOTHER NOW, like it or not.  We moms forgive ALL of our childrens mistakes, and believe me, there will be many!  Your problem is that you are taking her mistake personally.  Real moms do not do this.  We do not ignore mistakes, but we lovingly correct them. At this point in time, she is obsessing on the fact that she does not have a mother.  She is extremely insecure, and is therefore trying to buy the love and approval of others.  She thought her ggma would love her more if she helped her look nice too.  This is all about trying to get love and approval. At the same time, she did NOT want you to get angry at her (lose your love) for giving away the conditioner, so she concocted an elaborate demonstration to prove to you that she was not responsible for the conditioner going missing. The women above have terrific advice for you.  Correct her using the Bible as a guide, but you also must reassure her that you unconditionally love her too!  Do not add to her pain and trauma by turning against her.  She is still only a baby!  You act as though she is a mature grown-up who is pulling a stunt.  This is not the case.  Give this girl what she desperately needs: unconditional love and understanding.  Put yourself in her shoes. In addition, recognize that bonding takes two to three years to become a secure bond.  Build up this bond, don't tear it down.  Raising children requires constant LOVING guidance and direction, so they learn to choose the right path. There will be many mistakes as children grow up, as you will learn when you too give birth to little ones.  This girl is very fortunate that she has you in her life.  Make sure she knows this is a blessing and that she is blessed because you are choosing to be her mother out of the love and goodness in your heart.  One more thing that needs to be addressed is that every time she pushes you away, it's only a TEST, to find out if you truly love her or are only faking it.  Don't be a fake. Be her loving, FORGIVING mother. Replace the image in her mind of her biomom with YOUR loving face!  Choose LOVE. With LOVE, and forgiveness, you will WIN the battle.  God bless you and your family!
Avatar universal
I really hope that you read these answers! I am so sad for this little girl and worried about your reaction. You have the power here to make or break this little girls life. If your not up to dropping your pride and worrying more about her then yourself...please leave her dad and let him take care of her. You can do this. Learn from all of these comments and make it right. If you don't and you choose to stick around it will inly get worse.
Have an Answer?
Top Children's Health Answerers
189897 tn?1441130118
San Pedro, CA
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Fearing autism, many parents aren't vaccinating their kids. Can doctors reverse this dangerous trend?
Is a gluten-free diet right for you?
We answer your top questions about the flu vaccine.
Learn which over-the-counter medicines are safe for you and your baby
Yummy eats that will keep your child healthy and happy
Healing home remedies for common ailments