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Out Of Control 4 Year Old

My son just turned four this past Sunday. For the longest time I have had nothing but problems with him as far as discipline. He doesnt listen. He throws temper tantrums that are beyond horrifying...throwing toys, hitting his teachers at daycare, hes even thrown chairs. He curses even though he clearly knows its wrong. If you tell him not to do something he will laugh. Hes even made threatening remarks to his teachers at daycare...like he was going to beat them up and so on. I have tried every approach to disciplining him that I could possibly use. I have taken toys and other things he likes away. I have put him in the corner, made him sit in time out. I am not a fan of spanking but I have even resorted to spanking his butt. Right now he is being punished by having to sit in his room, no playing, no interacting nothing. We have even done a reward system with him but that completely backfired and he then expected a prize for being good and it got to the point where he wouldnt be good unless a prize was involved. Someone please help me out with some good feedback on a path I can take to hopefully get this child straight. A little background info, my sons father, who I am split from, is probably the worst role model...hes in and out of jail and my biggest fear is my son to turn out like him and I am fighting like crazy to stop my precious little boy from going down the wrong path.
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189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
  Very good points by specialmom!
The fact that he responds to positive reinforcement is huge.  Work it as she suggested.
Also kids of his age need immediate consistent discipline.  By switching to different punishments, it almost like he is controlling you.  Realize that to change his behavior, it will take about 3 weeks of the same consistent discipline.   "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark will give you a good consistent measure to follow.  Combine that with specialmoms suggestions, and you will see changes.
   By the way, if you go back several pages looking for things like "out of control 4 year old", you will see that you are not the only one having these problems.  You will also be able to see other good suggestions.  Best wishes
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Okay, take a deep breath!  He's only 4 and it will be alright.  

You hit the nail on the head---------  he's got a bad role model.  The only way a 4 year old knows cuss words is if someone cusses around them.  He's talking harshly, being rough, etc. because maybe that is how dad talks.  So let me ask you if you have any kind of contact with his father?  Hopefully you have put aside all of the things between you two and have focused on just co parenting your child--------- so you two are civil and can communicate.  If that is the case------- I think you can talk to him about how your son is acting at school and that you are concerned about it.  Maybe he could give up cussing and act as he would like his child to act at school. This won't solve the problem but it will help.  If you dont' have a good relationship with his dad---------- work on it.  YOu need to be friendly enough with him that no one gets defensive and all do what is right for the boy.

Second, punishing after the fact for what happens in daycare is ineffective.  It never works.  What do THEY do to address it?  Punishment with a 4 year old must be immediate or it isn't worth doing.  So find out how the school handles things.  Go and observe for a day-------- it is worth taking a little time off of work to find out what is going on with your own eyes.

Then at home---------  think of it as teaching him.  Role play or act out scenarios that happen at school and you act how he should act.  Give him options for his behavior.

Last-----  you found that he DOES respond to positive reinforcement and a reward system.  This is good news.  Just tweak it a little.  Instead of a prize--------  you could do one of two things.  He could get beans in a jar when he does as you ask or is acting the way you desire and you want to reward him, etc.  He then can put the bean he earns in a jar.  When he gets to a certain number---------- he gets to choose an outing of his choice such as watching his favorite video with you or whatever or a small prize if you want to go there again.  I'd say 25 beans is a good number to get to for that.  Or you could do coins and give him coins to put in his piggy bank as he does things the right way or behaves, listens, etc. and when the bank is full, you open it together and count the money.  He has to save half (we take our 5 and 6 year old to the bank and everything) and then he gets to use the other half to buy himself something.  I may throw in a buck or two more to help but they love to shop.  

Give him two choices whenever possible.  You set the choices and he has to decide between the two which gives him a sense of control and he will be more willing to comply.  Very effective tool with kids.

Okay, good luck
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189897 tn?1441126518
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