My boyfriend's daughters have given me cause for concern. While both girls are bright and friendly child, both can be overly affectionate with me and with total strangers which worries me. Oddly enough I don't notice my boyfriend being overly affectionate with either of his daughters, but both girls can be clingy to him at times. Of course, as part of his divorce, his attorney and the court appointed family counselor both told him to use caution with his affection because it is often something that the other parent will use against the other (i.e. cry wolf with abuse, etc.) .
I've tried to be understanding and thought that once I had been around the girls for awhile it would calm down some, but they are constantly hugging and pawing at people. The very first time they met my parents the oldest (who is 11) gave my mother this big hug and treated her as if she were her own grandmother. Both my mom and I found this odd and somewhat disturbing.
Another incident was when this man and I first started dating and we were at a friend's picnic. The oldest walked up to us, while we were talking to some other adults at the party, and simply announced how much she liked me and that she was pretty sure her dad was going to marry me and she was ok with me being her stepmom. My boyfriend and I were mortified (of course at this time we'd only been dating a few months). I had to tell the oldest daughter that getting married is a big decision and that people don't usually enter into a marriage until they've carefully considered everything. She just shrugged and walked away leaving my boyfriend and I scratching our heads as to what had brought that on.
The younger daughter likes to play "married and divorced" with a neighbor's son. She will say "ok, now we are married. ok, now we are divorced". Not only that but she'll tug him around in a headlock, which is disturbing.
On my last visit to their home the oldest daughter was content to be off playing with friends, but the youngest followed my boyfriend and I around and would attempt to draw his attention in various ways. He was trying to fix something in the backyard and while doing so she was yelling at him to pay attention to her and come play with her. From most children I wouldn't take this to heart, but her overly aggressive nature for her father's attention is a bit disturbing. While she isn't openly jealous I have noticed that if my boyfriend tries to interact with my children she tries to find a way to draw him away from them or will crawl into his lap and hang on him.
Finally, I notice with both girls that they seem to be emotionally immature, which may be something they've picked up from their mother. I don't know enough about the mother to make too many assumptions, but here is what I briefly know of her:
Very degrading and demeaning towards the girls' father. She often would tell the girls "daddy is nothing more than a paycheck" or "it's my way or the highway and your daddy can leave whenever he wants." She also punishes the girls for being honest in their therapy sessions, to the point that neither girl wants to open up about anything because they are fearful she will retaliate and ground them for things that bother them at home. What may have given the girls some of their confusion is that when their mother left their father she moved in with the man she'd been cheating on him with and moved the girls into this other man's home with her. For a period of about 2 weeks she hid the girls from their father until he obtained a court order. The mother is also physically violent towards the father and verbally abusive, all of which has been in front of the children. So maybe some of this explains why the girls are the way they are?
In addition, one of the reason my boyfriend told me he finally agreed to the divorce was because his daughters were starting to talk to and treat him the way his ex-wife did and still does treat him.
I guess I'm just looking for answers on how best to cope with his daughters. Again, they can be sweet girls and they seem to geniunely like me, but the overly affection nature of both of them has me concerned, not just because of how it makes me feel but what their future relationships, both platonic and romantic, may be like.
I've tried to address this with my boyfriend as best I can without being too harsh, but again, I'm worried. Mostly I worry that if we do live together and/or eventually get married how I can cope with the girls behavior and also keep my children from thinking it's acceptable behavior.
This discussion is related to
Clingy Older Children.