Potty Problems

[travenia_26]

I have been working with my son trying to get him fully potty trained for a long while now and I thought we were on the right track because he would use the regular toilet going both ways, but now he refuses to do it at all at home. He will go at certain places but not at home anymore. Then he will give me attitude and refuse to tell me when he has to go because as soon as I ask one or two minutes later he will go in his underwear. It doesn't seem to phase him at all and rewards don't work either. We've just now gotten into a star chart but even that he has lost interest in. I have no idea anymore, does anyone have any ideas I would really appreciate some advice.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

With a child who displays this sort of temperament, a hands off approach (vs limit setting, contingencies, scheduling) yields some benefits. He'll take care of this developmental challenge when he is ready to do so. Now, you can establish a plan whereby certain activities (e.g., trip to the playground, walk in the park) are contingent on using the potty. Yes, that does involve a reward, but it's more in line with offering him the choice to go to the playground (for example) or not, it's in his hands. You may not be a systematic person by nature, but whatever plan you adopt around your approach to the toilet training, try to be consistent so the plan is clear to your son.

[lisaloveskyle]

Dr Kennedy, I have a soon to be four year old who isn't potty trained. I completely blame myself. Last summer before he was three, he was not resistant, sat in the potty chair very nicely (obviously I don't know about the big boy toilet and how that would've gone over) although he would not indicate he had to go, he would go at scheduled times if he had to. But he had the will and thought it was fun. He has had control for a long time because Id see him making the potty messy tell him to stop and he'd hold it in and then resume so I know he knows when he has to. He is speech delayed but he more than compensates with an unreal amount of nonverbal intelligence. He is a very very very stubborn kid to the point where I can describe his personality as a kid in need of control. I am sure I do not help this with my disorganization but I am very loving and I do alot with him and for him. I can definitely say I am a control freak in large part so I am not surprised he is this way but in other ways we are polar opposites. He is so organized and I'm the opposite.  I hate being inside the home too long and I didn't want to be cooped up to do potty training. I know that is terrible. We also had an unfortunate situation where my son had surgery in the groin area more than once and the doctor told us not to potty train. He healed fast so I don't want to use it as an excuse. he was a very good patient all things considered. He is one of these kids that if he knows what to expect, he is good. He is good with transitions too. He's not good with total surprises or when you tell him one thing and do another (life doesnt always go as you intend). Fast forward one year, we did nothing after the summer with the potty chair and I decided to shelf the potty chair. he went on the toilet nicely. He wouldnt go but he sat. I havent stayed home or been methodical. We have some classes in our schedule and Im wondering if all this stuff should be cancelled for potty training. he was being very resistant until I offered him to pee standing, that was new so he did it. I have to mention that he is not a reward motivated kid. He likes rewards but he would never do something he didn't want to do for a reward. he peed standing a couple of times and now he's back to resisting and I feel like the only choice I have is to keep him naked for a few days and constant potty. I'm afraid even if I train him inside he will have accidents outside. I'm probably overthinking it all but I guess what I'm trying to ask is- a)in the case of older kids with very strong personalities, what do you suggest? b) I want to be clear on his speech delay. My son has scattered skills including with speech. He knows how to say "I have to pee pee" or "I have to poopie" so the speech isnt an issue in this case, people potty train nonverbal kids. I am certain I can get him to pee in the potty on a schedule but I dont know how to get him to tell me he has to go. There were a few instances where he'd deliberately withhold only to pee in the bath and crack up laughing or on the floor. I didnt punish him for peeing in the bath but i laid down the law about peeing on the floor (when he was naked) and that helped. Yes I am a horribly disorganized person and I dont know where to start. The advice many people give is way off base. ive never been a fan of early intervention and the like and for those people, its one size fits all. The other stock advice is reward reward reward. Again, this is a kid who would cut off his nose to spite his face. he always wants to "win." Its a frequent battle of wills and my way of dealing with it is usually to use a matter of factly tone and tell him how things are and thats that. Compromises work sometimes but when he has an "in", he often gets into a vicious cycle of demands and dissatisfaction. Depends on situation and how far its gone but I do have success not reacting to him. He likes being naughty. not monstrous but naughty. Any advice you can offer on potty training a strong personality at a late age would be MUCH appreciated. Thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The approach to take depnds very much on his age. How old is he?