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Problem with sister-in-law
I am having problems with my brother's wife over my five year old daughter. I'll try to make this short,What's going on is that my sister-in-law tries to spoil my daughter when me and my husband are trying to disipline her. Few examples,We do not allow my daughter to drink pop( not allowed at all) candy, cookies and sweets limited, whenever we go to my moms house to visit,(my brother and his wife are living with my mom for now) Sister-in-law gives her cookies, kit kat bar,and other candies, especially before dinner. We also do not allow our daughter to touch our cell phones,and whenever we go there she gives my daughter her cell phone to play games on it and talk to her side of the family,(her mother,sister,cousin).For example they other day I had the attic open and the stairs were hanging down.And I told my daughter to not climb the stairs because she will fall and hurt herself, so my sister-in-law tells my daughter to climb the stairs while she stands behind, and says,"I am just showing her the attic." It makes me so mad, that's why my daughter likes her more than anyone because she lets her have it her way.There are so many other things but can't write them all.And whenever we go to my moms,My Sister-in-law just takes her in her room the whole visit,away from everyone. I take her ther to visit my parents not my sister-in-law.I confronted my brother last year about some issues,and he got really offended and mad, we didn't talk for months.Things are good between us now, wouldn't wanna make him mad again. What should I do, open to any advice. I think she does it on purpose
Thank you everyone for your nice comments.I have been really busy, so I didn't really get to visit this website lately.Anyways about 2 weeks ago my mom told my brother how my daughter should sit in the front room with everyone when she comes to vist, not just go in thier room away from everyone. She told him in a really nice way, and she also told him that I felt the same way. Once again he got really upset, he also told his wife about it. They never mentioned anything to me about that. But when we went to my parents house, I told my daughter to stay with everyone in front room. Which my daughter did, until my SIL came in the front room and once again took her in her room. I didn't really say anything, because I didn't want to start anything. But it really made me mad that now she knows that we don't like my daughter going in her room and she still came and took my daughter in her room. Isn't that really rude and immature? I am just so mad at this whole thing.I am sure she talks some trash about me to my daughter because when we went home, I asked my daughter that what did you guys talk about. She said that they didn't talk about anything. And she had that face like she was hiding something. I am sure every mother knows their child's face when they are hiding something. I just felt SOOOO MAD. I think this woman is a PHYCO. Thank you guys again for listening to me. You people are really helpful and wonderful.
If SIL hates kids, why is she all over your daughter??Not to be rude, or overstep boundries but your SIL sounds like a spoiled child herself. When a parent, especially a mom says NO, it means NO..PERIOD! It sounds like you need to confront her on these issues even if your brother gets mad because it will only get worse, and as a parent you don't need to worry. Your SIL needs to be a good influence and when you say NO, she should back you up because it is not her choice to make whether she likes the rules or not. Is she going to be an SIL that takes your daughter to the mall and have her ears pierced whitout permission? Get her her first drink? Help her call boys? But her makeup when you say no?These things she is doing will only hurt your child because it is teaching your child to be disrespectful towards people. Your SIL needs to grow up and either have children or go find friends or something instead of acting like an immature child. She needs to understand that if she wants to do something with your child, she needs to ask your permission, if she openly disregards you in front of your parents or child, you need to tell her politely that you said No and that's that. She is not your child, you needn't explain why, and when your daughter throws a fit or starts whining, you need to explain to her that these are rules to keep her safe and healthy. My step daughter told me one time after crying and throwing a fit that she too wanted to go with her aunt because she was "funner" than me, I told my daughter that life is not about fun and we don't whine and cry just to get our way. Yeah its fun and games for the two of them, but its extremely disrepectful to the way you are raising her, and your parents who have lost the time with her because of this, and all it does is create problems and unwanted stress If your parents don't want to step in, then maybe you should ask them to come to your house or let them know you have gotten busy and you can't come by as often. That way your SIL will get "bored" and want to move faster, and your parents will be able to see your daughter quicker. Sorry for your troubles..Good luck with everything..Stick to your guns, your the mother, not her.
Sounds like she loves your daughter however she's stepping over the line. The ballet classes are a great idea if she'd like to pay for them however to sign her up w/ out asking you is just weird. I'd tell you're SIL that she needs to be a bit more communicative before doing things. She more than likely just adores your daughter and has all good intentions but is immature or just so excited about your daughter that she doesn't think before doing. Hopefully she's going to be so loving and attentive when your daughter is enrolled in higher mathematics and can help w/ and teen issues. Also all children get spoiled rotten at Nanna's it's very frustrating to us parents when they send em home. Children must know that different homes have diffent rules. Good luck w/ all of it. At least she's adored!
Ok, I'm a 28yr old Aunt and I would never step over the boundaries that your SIL has clearly done - having her photo taken and handing them out? Ballet classes? Hello? No one else thinks that's more than strange? You need to be frank with her and tell it like it is. And no, I don't think your too strict at all - cell phones aren't toys, they are expensive. To allow her to play with one, then tell her not to play with others is more than confusing. My son is not to touch anyones cell phone - that's not being strict, that's being respectful of other peoples property. I'm sure she means well, but if it's making you feel that uncomfortable, than she has crossed the line of what is acceptable. Tell her she needs to respect you and your choices because you are this girls mother. If she doesn't get the hint, then you need to talk to your brother again.
Good luck,
Becky
Good luck,
Becky
Thank you for understanding,and thank you for telling me that I am right. It gives me more courage.I have been so busy, so I haven't said anything yet but I will break the ice over the weekend. Just because I am a young mom that doesn't mean that my daughter needs another mother, right?Thanks again.
what if your brother's wife had a birhday party for your daughter without even asking if it was okay with u or your husband.
OH HELL NO!! You are so right on so many things. She is YOUR daughter and YOU make the rules. If they cannot abide by them than they cannot see her, period, dot!!
I wish you lots of luck... you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.....
OH HELL NO!! You are so right on so many things. She is YOUR daughter and YOU make the rules. If they cannot abide by them than they cannot see her, period, dot!!
I wish you lots of luck... you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.....
Thanks again,you filled me up with fire, I 'll let SIL know to back off, it's my daughter. It's about time for her to step off. I am not going to be miss nice anymore. I have every right to be mad right? I am not gonna take this anymore, wish me luck, I am gonna let her know soon. I'll let you know how it went. THANK YOU very much.
No problem! you have every right to be upset and concerned. The junk food, undermining your authority in your presence, throwing birthday parties for her without consulting you??? Getting her portraits done without your consent??
It took a lot of nerve for me to finally say something and I know when I did the other party (MIL) wasn't impressed, but at least the point was taken. I've even had to be stern with my own grandmother, my two year old is not allowed chocolates, I don't care if it's Willy Wonka himself offering them...Dealing with an two year old while juggling a 10 month old is tough enough let alone someone adding fuel to the fire!!
It seems as though it's become a power trip for your SIL. I'm sure she'll be royally offended when you take a stand with her, but remember, she's one who started this, if she were being respectful to you, you wouldn't have to say anything.
Good luck
It took a lot of nerve for me to finally say something and I know when I did the other party (MIL) wasn't impressed, but at least the point was taken. I've even had to be stern with my own grandmother, my two year old is not allowed chocolates, I don't care if it's Willy Wonka himself offering them...Dealing with an two year old while juggling a 10 month old is tough enough let alone someone adding fuel to the fire!!
It seems as though it's become a power trip for your SIL. I'm sure she'll be royally offended when you take a stand with her, but remember, she's one who started this, if she were being respectful to you, you wouldn't have to say anything.
Good luck
Thank you SOOO much for understanding. You know exactly what I mean. Parents r the ones who have to deal with the concequences. Thanks again for understanding the point.
Yes, you have guessed it, I just don't like her anymore. Used to like her before I really knew her, before her and my brother got married. She is one of those people who is negative about everything, for example, if someone tells her some good news, she answers with some negative comments. Whenever she gets a chance she starts talking bad things about my family. She is never happy with anything,she always have to complain about something.I don't want my daughter ending up like that. I felt like a young mother trying to raise a daughter and some other woman tring to be my daughter's mother. I mean before last year, she would ask to pick up my daughter every weekend, I would come up with excuses like we r going to the movies with her and than she would say how about after that, so I always ended up letting her take my daughter,this was happening since the day my daughter was born, at first I was happy because who wouldn't like a break from a baby. But then she started to ask to take my daughter out every weekend. I am a kind of person who hates saying no and cares about someone else's feelings,but I couldn't be nice any longer, my daughter was getting very attached to her. That's why I had to put a stop to a lot of things last year. I told my brother that I didn't want my SIL taking my daughter every weekend.I think she is still upset about that and now,the things she does, it's clear that she does things to make me look like the bad guy infront of my daughter.Imagine this, what if your brother's wife had a birhday party for your daughter without even asking if it was okay with u or your husband. Thats why I put a stop to a lot of things last year after noticeing things. I don't know, I guess everyone have their own opinions.Thank you for ur reply.
I completely agree with you and I don't think your rules are too strict. Teaching a child good eating habits is every parents responsibility. It's not a matter of what your rules are, the fact is, they are your rules and she is your child and everyone should respect that - no matter who they are or what the circumstance is. They aren't the ones who have to deal with a little girl who has an upset stomach after eating all the junk someone fed her. They aren't the ones who have to deal with her when she throws a fit when she doesnt' get her own way. I know it's hard to confront her or say anything in front of a crowd as you end up looking like the one who is trying to cause conflict but what she is doing is ignorant,immature deliberate. I used to worry about offending people when similar situations arose, but not anymore. If someone is rude enough to be that disrespectful by intentionally disobeying the rules i've set for my child (and do so in front of me), then that gives me the right to be just as rude back to them. Sounds like the SIL is a spoiled brat who needs attention in one form or another. Give her some attention, tell her it's your way or no way! Even "fun" aunties have to show some responsibility. Sorry if I sound harsh, but i've been there and it drove me bonkers until I finally said something and they realized I wasn't going to give in. MY child and my rules - it's their choice whether they want to play by the rules or not play at all.
I have 5 month old daughter and my aunt, her great aunt, has her picures up on her desk, has her pic as her screensaver, buys her expensive things etc... those things just come along with spoiling a child that's not your own and one that you can just hand back to the parents.
I don't understand why it bothers you but it's not for me to understand. Do you just not like her?
If allowing her to eat so mny sweets and have soda bothers you that much, and I do understand that, then you have to lay the law down.
But, you do have to pick your battles.
The handing out picture thing seems weird but the other behavior sounds like the aunt just loves your child to pieces.
Whether or not family agrees with our choices is irrelevant. You are the mother and should be respected as such.
I don't understand why it bothers you but it's not for me to understand. Do you just not like her?
If allowing her to eat so mny sweets and have soda bothers you that much, and I do understand that, then you have to lay the law down.
But, you do have to pick your battles.
The handing out picture thing seems weird but the other behavior sounds like the aunt just loves your child to pieces.
Whether or not family agrees with our choices is irrelevant. You are the mother and should be respected as such.
my ex mil gives my son junk food, lets him stay up very late, lets him play video games hours on end. i have talked to her but she is grandma. so what i do is talk to my son about making the right choices. that he needs to start telling grandma no that isnt a healthy food choice ect. its hard. sounds like sil loves your daughter. be thankful for that, some dont. you make it sound like its all the time. how often does this happen? are you not around to stop it? if you are there you can say no. talk to the sil. maybe you have and she still doesnt listen. if they are going to move then when you visit grandmas house it will be over soon. sometimes even if we dont like it, its something we have to get go of a little bit. id be mad too, its my child and i will raise him the way i want to. there are just some situations you have to let go of from time to time though. aunts are fun, more free, and that is why we have such love and fond memories of them!
Simba - it's really hard to get a good mental picture of exactly what's going on when we only read a paragraph, so I'm sorry if I misunderstood what you were saying at first. When I reread your first post, what caught my eye was that you never allow her to drink sodas, ever, and you don't ever allow her to touch cell phones. I think maybe some of us got side-tracked by those statements. They seem really, excessively strict and painted a different picture.
Your SIL sounds like a nut. She really sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder or something. But again, it's hard to tell from just a few sentences. ;D
Best wishes.
Your SIL sounds like a nut. She really sounds like she has some kind of personality disorder or something. But again, it's hard to tell from just a few sentences. ;D
Best wishes.
Thank you everyone for your replies. SIL doesn't want any kids right now. Recently,my sister asked her when were they having one, she told my sister she hates kids. I think some of you guys r confused about the rules, I do allow my daughter to have candy and cookies,but not as much as she gives her. A whole four sticks kit kat bar,a whole pack of M&Ms, more than 4 cookies,all right before dinner,I think she should use common sense. And then my daughter doesn't eat dinner. Other than limiting her suger,respect for others,and worring about her safty, I don't have other rules.I just wanted to teach my daughter that if mommy says no, that means no. Now my daughter wines,whenever she doesn't get her way. And her preschool teacher complained about it.Thank you everyone again for the advice.
It sounds like you SIL adores you daughter and dotes on her. I bet she is longing for a little one of her own.
So my advice is pick your battles. Take your sil out for coffee and kindly ask her not to do the most important things (like interfere in your discipline, give her prohibited foods) give her solid logical reasons why you want these rules followed. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt but assert your values for child rearing.
And I think you should lighten up, it sounds like you have a LOT of rules. I have two children, a dd 15.5 and a ds 3. I was so strict with my daughter. No tv, no sugar, and the list goes on and on. I think my son is having a much better childhood. I'm still pretty strict, especially about obedience, safety issues and respect for others. I ask myself "Will this really matter when I look back in 10 years.?"
It is wonderful that your daughter has so many people who love her. If every child was so lucky, out world would be a peaceful place.
Oh and the BEST reveange is to wait until she has kids and ply them with sugar, play doh and noisy toys!!!
So my advice is pick your battles. Take your sil out for coffee and kindly ask her not to do the most important things (like interfere in your discipline, give her prohibited foods) give her solid logical reasons why you want these rules followed. Try to give her the benefit of the doubt but assert your values for child rearing.
And I think you should lighten up, it sounds like you have a LOT of rules. I have two children, a dd 15.5 and a ds 3. I was so strict with my daughter. No tv, no sugar, and the list goes on and on. I think my son is having a much better childhood. I'm still pretty strict, especially about obedience, safety issues and respect for others. I ask myself "Will this really matter when I look back in 10 years.?"
It is wonderful that your daughter has so many people who love her. If every child was so lucky, out world would be a peaceful place.
Oh and the BEST reveange is to wait until she has kids and ply them with sugar, play doh and noisy toys!!!
Whether or not we in this forum or your family agree with all your restrictions, the fact remains that she's your daughter. I don't know what your SIL's motiviation is, but from your original post and later descriptions it sounds like when she hears you place a restriction (ie the stairs or candy) your SIL immediately and deliberately sets about to give your daughter the opposite. Your daughter is old enough now that if this continues it will undermine your authority not just at that house but at your own. Your daughter is learning that what her mother says doesn't really matter, she can get what she wants anyway.
I have no idea what the motivation is, whether your SIL thinks you're too strict, she's just immature and clueless or whether she wishes she had a child of her own. If you can figure out the source of the problem that'd be great. But meanwhile the reason doesn't matter to your daughter, she's just getting what she wants, and you are in danger of losing her respect. I still say that until your SIL's behavior changes you should limit your daughter's time with her.
I have no idea what the motivation is, whether your SIL thinks you're too strict, she's just immature and clueless or whether she wishes she had a child of her own. If you can figure out the source of the problem that'd be great. But meanwhile the reason doesn't matter to your daughter, she's just getting what she wants, and you are in danger of losing her respect. I still say that until your SIL's behavior changes you should limit your daughter's time with her.
T
Some of the things you have said sound slike she just loves your daughter (the pics). Is there a reason they don't have a child of their own?
Some of the things you have said sound slike she just loves your daughter (the pics). Is there a reason they don't have a child of their own?
I am 24 and she is 27. They are renting a room at my parents now because they just sold their house, and r planning to buy another house and r saving for the down payment.
Rockrose, thanks.
I understand, but my moms attic stairs are the stairs that hang down when you open them, they wabble alot when u climb them, so i was scared that my daughter might fall. And it's the SIL does things,if she is trying to make me look bad infront of my daughter.As I mentioned that last year i had a fight with my brother because of some issues which were,
-Throwing my daughter birthday party,when she was 2, didn't even bother asking me or my husband if it was ok with us.
-wanting to put her in ballet classes.
-buying her expensive toys
-Buying her clothes and leaving it at their place, and put them on whenever they had her for babysitting.
-SIL wanting to take my daughter to her side of the family every weekend.
-Whenever I would stop my daughter from doing something, she would cry and say she wants my SIL.
- Getting her pictures taken at a studio,and giving them to everyone as if it was their daughter.
-SIL has my daughters picture as a screensaver on her cell phone.
-SIL has only my daughters pictures on her desk at work, doesn't even have her husband's picture on desk.
-There are alot of other things, that I can't remember.
I understand, but my moms attic stairs are the stairs that hang down when you open them, they wabble alot when u climb them, so i was scared that my daughter might fall. And it's the SIL does things,if she is trying to make me look bad infront of my daughter.As I mentioned that last year i had a fight with my brother because of some issues which were,
-Throwing my daughter birthday party,when she was 2, didn't even bother asking me or my husband if it was ok with us.
-wanting to put her in ballet classes.
-buying her expensive toys
-Buying her clothes and leaving it at their place, and put them on whenever they had her for babysitting.
-SIL wanting to take my daughter to her side of the family every weekend.
-Whenever I would stop my daughter from doing something, she would cry and say she wants my SIL.
- Getting her pictures taken at a studio,and giving them to everyone as if it was their daughter.
-SIL has my daughters picture as a screensaver on her cell phone.
-SIL has only my daughters pictures on her desk at work, doesn't even have her husband's picture on desk.
-There are alot of other things, that I can't remember.
I don't know, Simba, that's kind of a different picture.
Is she really young? It sounds like she feels kind of alienated until a little child comes along.
If you don't mind me asking, why are they living with your parents? That seems like kind of a difficult situation.
Is she really young? It sounds like she feels kind of alienated until a little child comes along.
If you don't mind me asking, why are they living with your parents? That seems like kind of a difficult situation.
Thank you,My parents are the kind of people who don't step in between sibling problems. Even though my sisters and mom do agree with me. My mom is very religious and would never wanna hurt my brother's and my SIL feelings. Should I just tell my brother how I feel, I know he is going to be mad? My SIL is a very negative person. She doesn't even come out of her room to say hi to us, and my daughter goes in her room the whole time. There were times when I told my daughter to stay infront room with everyone, which she did, until SIL came infrontroom sat for a few minutes and took my daughter to her room. I want my daughter to be social not go in a room away from everyone like my SIL.
simba - I can understand the food restrictions.
Why wouldn't you allow her to play with a cell phone to call family, under supervision? Why wouldn't you allow her to safely climb the attic stairs with an adult woman climbing behind her, so she can see the magic of the attic?
I can see this both ways. You seem to have extremely strict rules, and your sister in law is kind of more into "playing" with your daughter. If she were doing things like teaching her weird stuff, or exposing her to violence, or adult images, I'd feel differently.
She's playing with her. That's what aunts are for. ;D But in the future, it seems like you can draw the line at what soda and foods she is allowed to eat. The other stuff, that's just fun with her aunt.
Why wouldn't you allow her to play with a cell phone to call family, under supervision? Why wouldn't you allow her to safely climb the attic stairs with an adult woman climbing behind her, so she can see the magic of the attic?
I can see this both ways. You seem to have extremely strict rules, and your sister in law is kind of more into "playing" with your daughter. If she were doing things like teaching her weird stuff, or exposing her to violence, or adult images, I'd feel differently.
She's playing with her. That's what aunts are for. ;D But in the future, it seems like you can draw the line at what soda and foods she is allowed to eat. The other stuff, that's just fun with her aunt.
From what you describe I agree it sounds like your sister in law (SIL) is deliberately trying to expose your daughter to whatever she knows you don't want. That is selfish and disrespectful on so many levels. What does your mom think about it? It's her house and really she should be setting the house rules but it sounds like she doesn't, won't or can't with your SIL. Would your mother be willing to visit your daughter at your house in order to lessen your daughter's exposure to your SIL?
Without your brother and your mother's cooperation at that house I don't know that there's much you can do about it because your SIL feels empowered by their complacancy. If your mother can't visit you, then I suggest telling her that you're sorry you won't be able to bring the child around much anymore because of your SIL. She may get upset enough lay down some rules there, or you could insist you will only bring your daughter when SIL is not around. Good luck, it's tough when family is disrespectful and it's a bad example for your daughter.
Without your brother and your mother's cooperation at that house I don't know that there's much you can do about it because your SIL feels empowered by their complacancy. If your mother can't visit you, then I suggest telling her that you're sorry you won't be able to bring the child around much anymore because of your SIL. She may get upset enough lay down some rules there, or you could insist you will only bring your daughter when SIL is not around. Good luck, it's tough when family is disrespectful and it's a bad example for your daughter.
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