Proper Consequences

[ljroberts46]

My 13 yr old stepdaughter is giving her mom a hard time ( grades need improving, homework not done...mostly all school related). This is an ongoing issue for years, just getting no better.
The mom has always been strict, and as my stedaughter is getting older, methods she used in the past are not working to get her to "conform". (There are major control issues in the household).
There's been visitation issues with my husband and more and more ofter, my husband's ex is using visitation as a tool to punish or create a consequence for my stepdaughter.
We all on the outside see this as inappropriate and really just adding fuel to the fire since my stepdaughter lives out of state and visitation is limited anyway.
Do you think it is an appropriate form of punishment to take away a visit with a parent.
This is upsetting to all of us involved and we are trying to remain calm and not get the couts involved,,
Wha'ts you opinion?
We need some sound advise and direction

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Such restricting of contact is not an appropriate form of discipline. The structure of a discipline plan for that age should revolve around privileges being contingent on completion of school responsibilities.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Three useful books are:

Getting to Calm by Laura Kastner & Jennifer Wyatt

Your defiant Teen by Russell Barkley & Arthur Robin

Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline & Jim Fay

[ljroberts46]

Could you offer us any suggested reading on child behavior that may help my stepdaughters mom and give her ideas she could utilize that may be more appropriate?
She says that this form of punishment is the "only thing that works", but I feel deep in my heart that it could be damaging my stepdaughter in the long run.
She and her dad have such a wonderful friendship and she just can't "count on" seeing him. This happens with summer breaks, holidays, ect...he gets the call that she is not coming because she is "failing language arts", "not completing homework", "habitually tardy for school" ...and so on.
I feel like she is simply rebeling, but I'm really not able to get too involved. It would just make matters worse.
Any ideas as far as "tools" you may suggest would be greatly appreciated.