School Issues- Kindergarten

[ANS04]

My son is 5 years old. For the last few years we have noticed an array of different behavior problems. They have ranged from inability to focus, hyperactivity, aggression, preference of being around adults instead of children and so on. The first thought was ADHD...but after two years of working hard with him...ADHD does not seem to fit. I have researched anxiety disorders, dyslexia, oppositional defiant disorder, autism and so on. Nothing seems to fit just right.
So here is what we are currently facing...
At home my son has improved tremendously. His hyperactivity has died down and he seems more like a typical 5 year old boy. He generally listens on the first try or at least by the second. If he is tired...it could take five times or more. He is sweet...caring...affectionate...thoughtful...very attentive...overall a fun loving kid. As long as he is around adults...this is the behavior he shows. Most the comments we receive are...what a well behaved lovable boy. He shows little to no aggression...never uses bad words...is clear on what is right from wrong.
At school...he seems to be a completely different child. Since day one we have had issues. What started as a concern with him sitting quietly or participating with other children quickly developed into much more serious concerns. According to his teacher and the staff at the school my son show's aggression (hitting, kicking), he says bad words, treats kids poorly (name calling, destroying their papers), isolates himself, wont participate...it goes on and on.
We have met with the school many times...my son has been sent to the principals office countless times...he has been suspended once. We have a big meeting coming up soon to evaluate him for special ed. The teacher is stating she feels my son will fail Kindergarten because he is not academically up to standards. However, I work with my son twice a day on homework and he is academically "average" in reading/writing and advanced in mathematics and language/communication. He can relate to and understand adult concepts. His memory is outstanding...he remembers things from when he was two that even I forgot. He asks lots of questions and unlike typical children doesnt accept the basic answer...he digs deeper. My son is very aware that he is treated different at school and on the bus...he states this makes him sad. When asked if he likes school...he states he likes/misses his teacher but not the other children. The moment he walks to the school bus...his whole demeanor changes.
What I know to be true is this...my son acts very differently at home vs at school...he has always preferred adults/older children over children his own age...I have witnessed this "poor" behavior the school speaks of when he is around children of his own age or children who are more active/unruly and he does require more focused attention to stay on track and behave (not an independent worker). One last thing...I have noticed that school has greatly influenced his self confidence/worth...he has come home saying he is stupid or ugly and wants a new face. Things he heard at school.
Oh...one more thing...he does know right from wrong...he shows accurate emotions when he has done something wrong...shows remorse...guilt...sadness...
Sorry this was so long...but I am desperate for some answers. For years everyone has "guessed" at what could be the problem...we have tried hundreds of things with him...I want something concrete. I refuse to let my son fail kindergarten...he is smart...gifted I believe...socially/emotionally maybe immature...but too smart to be held back.
Help anyone...ideas....please!

[specialmom]

Very frustrating, but would you say that the things they are doing behaviorally are helping?  That at least is a step in the right direction.

I think part of the problem is that he is unable to attend when in the classroom . . . that this is part of the evaluation . . . if he can't do it when the other kids are there-----  well, that is school.  ALL of the kids want to run off and play . . . but got through the evaluation.  Your son needs to be able to do this as well unless there is a documented reason he can not.  Then his IEP or 504 plan would have the alternative plan.  So Sandman is right, you need to ask for this.  I think all kids would like to have a one on one aide to teach them . . . my son started off the school year according to his teacher requesting her attention a lot.  He does do better with one on one too.  But he has to learn to work in the confines of a classroom and become an independent learner.  Aides are helpful but you realize that they are assigned a child but work with all children in the class as well as the teacher does, right?  It is my understanding in our school that they will help with a child without declaring which child it is as they are to maintain confidentiality.  Unless a child has a physical handicap that everyone sees, there are times in which people are only guessing which student the aide is there for.  This is better for the child.  

So I totally hear your frustration and understand it, but I think requesting a more formal plan and keeping expectations realistic will help.  just my thoughts here----  and I know that you are feeling anger and panic as he might be held back.  But if it will ultimately help him, that is something to think about.  Schools don't like to hold kids back, there has to be valid reasons.  
I hope you get a good response to your request for the 504 plan and please ask about a parent advocate to help you navigate through.  good luck

[ANS04]

They dont make any sense this stupid school. One minute they are acting like the world is coming to an end...and things are so severe. The next they are brushing it off like nothing. The teacher evaluated each child individually but in the classroom while the other kids were doing activities. Ummm DUH of course he could careless about his least favorite thing...reading/writing...he just wants to be done and go play. Had she taken him out of the classroom and evaluated in a quiet area...she would have seen he knows everything.

His teacher flat out said...he needs more resources...he needs someone to be working with him...this is how he responds the best...but the resources are not available.

I am so done...I feel like I keep hitting a brick wall!

[specialmom]

That is where I am confused . . . I thought that they said he was being failed for behavior and that academically he was fine.  I thought they said he was above his grade level for academics . . . that is confusing.  Even one on one, he is refusing to show them his performance level?  That would be very frustrating to me.  

I just don't understand where they are coming from suggesting that nothing is wrong but his desire for attention.  Does not make sense to me.

I think you are doing the right thing in asking for the 504.  If they hold him back for a year---- would it give him a better start?  Sometimes it can be a good thing.  (remind me when his birthday is . . . I can't recall).  But I can see where you are distrustful of the whole situation.  Hard to know where to turn------  have you asked about the parent advocate?  Arrrggg.  sounds very stressful.

[ANS04]

I have an e-mail from the school counselor stating that the counselor and psychologist would each be meeting weekly with my son. In addition, the teacher stated the psychologist was suppose to come last Friday but did not show up. I am clear on what they told me...it is in writing...in my email box. They are not following through with it.

I am going to e-mail his counselor and ask about the 504.

I will say that YES good things have happened for my son...however...his teacher just told me Tuesday she had to pretty much fail him in reading/writing because he would not demonstrate that he knew the necessary information...even though at home he easily knows the required information. She herself told me that my son needs more resources and is not getting them. So the teacher is trying to find alternatives...I just feel the whole thing is ridiculous.

[Sandman2]

   You said,  "No wonder the principle kept pushing for my son to be in special ed...that was her easy quick fix." Its not a quick and easy fix - all the other things are quick, probably none of them easy.  Its too bad that he didn't qualify for special ed.  However, kids with ADHD and other behavioral issues usually don't (which I think is stupid).  
     Next thought is that it has only been about one week since you gave us the update on Jan. 12.  and I couldn't find a place where weekly visits to counselor by your son were mentioned.  You did say in that post that you would have weekly meetings with the counselor.  Makes me wonder if you ever got a written plan from them?  This is why a 504 is important - because it is a written plan with legal implications.
The point is that he should be qualifying for a 504.  The following is from -                        http://www.ldonline.org/article/6108  .  
Its a great article and well worth reading.
   "Although it is impossible to specify all situations in which children should be referred for Section 504 and ADA services, there are several situations that should result in automatic consideration of a student for Section 504 and ADA services. These include the following (Council of Administrators of Special Education, n.d.):

    * when a student is referred for IDEA services but the decision is to not evaluate;
    * when a student is evaluated for IDEA services but is determined to be not eligible;
    * when a student is suspected of having any disability;
    * when a student continues to display behavior problems;
    * when a student has a major health problem;
    * when a student is expelled or suspended;
    * when a student seems to be having problems that cannot be explained;
    * When a parent requests consideration for Section 504 and the ADA services"

    I am not sure that his teacher is exactly aware of what is doing on.  So I think his counselor is the best place to start.  What you want to do is ask if the BIP is a 504 and if not why?  Based on the above he should qualify.  Tell her you want that process started!
    And yes, I think that there is and recently has been a lot of good news about your son.  It sounds like there are communication problems about what is going to happen.  Outside of the fact that these things take time, I think that if you know exactly what is going to happen - you will be able to make better decisions.
  I agree with Specialmom completely.  Private schools usually don't have the resources  to work (and many times won't even touch) with special needs kids. Your money could be much more wisely spent on your child.

[specialmom]

Well, first there was good news in your post . . . his teacher says he is doing fine in the classroom . .. That IS Good!!!!  So, I would be pleased to hear that part anyway.  I think I would call the principal about it . . . and you've discovered the problem of not having an IEP.  They are required to follow everything in an IEP by law . . . if you don't have one, then they just do what they can.  I guess we all need to vote for our school levies, right?  We voted for our most recent one but it didn't pass----  hence there were cuts.  I think who your Govenor is matters too----  I've written ours as he cut funding to such programs in our state.  Anyway, that is reality.  I guess I would just continue to be the squeaky wheel looking to get that oil.  But dont lose sight of the fact that she said he was doing fine.  

As far as private schools----  well, they are not great for kids way far out of the average.  They don't have to abide by "no child left behind" and hence, do not accomadate high maintence students.  I had a really good friend that is a teacher that I was discussing things about my son with----  It was at a time in which I was struggling with it all and I spoke of putting him in private schools---  anyway, she said NO.  You need any child with behavior issues in a public school as that is where they are handled the best.  The private school may do some extra things if they feel like it, but don't have to.  Puts you in a much weaker position to deal with things.  And those schools have tighter budgets than the public schools . . . and less resources to pull from.  I like the Montessori concept . . . but my son does much better with routine and structure.  

I would follow up on the info Sandman gave you and call the principal.  The principal is a pill to deal with it sounds---------  but you need them to take the committments they make to you seriously.  If you don't want to call the principal, at least call the school counselor.  Good luck----------  hoping for the best for you and your son.