School Issues- Kindergarten

[ANS04]

My son is 5 years old. For the last few years we have noticed an array of different behavior problems. They have ranged from inability to focus, hyperactivity, aggression, preference of being around adults instead of children and so on. The first thought was ADHD...but after two years of working hard with him...ADHD does not seem to fit. I have researched anxiety disorders, dyslexia, oppositional defiant disorder, autism and so on. Nothing seems to fit just right.
So here is what we are currently facing...
At home my son has improved tremendously. His hyperactivity has died down and he seems more like a typical 5 year old boy. He generally listens on the first try or at least by the second. If he is tired...it could take five times or more. He is sweet...caring...affectionate...thoughtful...very attentive...overall a fun loving kid. As long as he is around adults...this is the behavior he shows. Most the comments we receive are...what a well behaved lovable boy. He shows little to no aggression...never uses bad words...is clear on what is right from wrong.
At school...he seems to be a completely different child. Since day one we have had issues. What started as a concern with him sitting quietly or participating with other children quickly developed into much more serious concerns. According to his teacher and the staff at the school my son show's aggression (hitting, kicking), he says bad words, treats kids poorly (name calling, destroying their papers), isolates himself, wont participate...it goes on and on.
We have met with the school many times...my son has been sent to the principals office countless times...he has been suspended once. We have a big meeting coming up soon to evaluate him for special ed. The teacher is stating she feels my son will fail Kindergarten because he is not academically up to standards. However, I work with my son twice a day on homework and he is academically "average" in reading/writing and advanced in mathematics and language/communication. He can relate to and understand adult concepts. His memory is outstanding...he remembers things from when he was two that even I forgot. He asks lots of questions and unlike typical children doesnt accept the basic answer...he digs deeper. My son is very aware that he is treated different at school and on the bus...he states this makes him sad. When asked if he likes school...he states he likes/misses his teacher but not the other children. The moment he walks to the school bus...his whole demeanor changes.
What I know to be true is this...my son acts very differently at home vs at school...he has always preferred adults/older children over children his own age...I have witnessed this "poor" behavior the school speaks of when he is around children of his own age or children who are more active/unruly and he does require more focused attention to stay on track and behave (not an independent worker). One last thing...I have noticed that school has greatly influenced his self confidence/worth...he has come home saying he is stupid or ugly and wants a new face. Things he heard at school.
Oh...one more thing...he does know right from wrong...he shows accurate emotions when he has done something wrong...shows remorse...guilt...sadness...
Sorry this was so long...but I am desperate for some answers. For years everyone has "guessed" at what could be the problem...we have tried hundreds of things with him...I want something concrete. I refuse to let my son fail kindergarten...he is smart...gifted I believe...socially/emotionally maybe immature...but too smart to be held back.
Help anyone...ideas....please!

[benjimom]

it is frustrating and it takes FOREVER to get anything done.  there are only so many personnel to cover all the kids having "issues".

[ANS04]

I am beyond frustrated!!!!!!

First of all....my son definitely does not have an IEP...just the BIP...nothing more.

Second...I took cupcakes to my son's school yesterday (it was a surprise to make my son feel special)...I am talking with his teacher...asking how my son is doing...she tells me he is doing fine in the classroom and she is working with him on transitions. I ask how things are going meeting with the counselor and psychologist...she says what do you mean...I explained I was told they would each be meeting with him once a week...she said noone has met with him at all...what??? I am far too pregnant and hormonal...I almost lost it...not with the teacher...but just with the situation...I asked her what am I suppose to do...I know my son needs better resources then what he is receiving...she said your right...but with a bad economy and budget cutbacks...there are no resources available. UGH AHHHHH GRRRRR!!! Are you kidding? No wonder the principle kept pushing for my son to be in special ed...that was her easy quick fix.

I was so mad yesterday...thought I would go into labor...then I just got sad...for my son. My fiance is fed up...he really wants to put my son in Montessori or Private school...I fear the monthly cost of these schools...but he said he doesnt care anymore...we have to do what is best for my son.

Please any other suggestions? Should we look into Montessori or Private schools? Do you think this would benefit my son?

[Sandman2]

    Most of the reading I have done, lists the BIP as a part of an IEP.   But, it doesn't sound like that here.  You really need to know his status for followup.  I would ask the principal or counselor for clarification.  Just say that you like his BIP (it is a good starting point and well written), but you are wondering if that means he qualifies for special ed (is it a IEP) or is it like a 504?  And if it is not either one - then why not?
   If you ever decided to change schools, this could be very important.  IEP's and 504's, by law, follow you.  A plan (no matter how good it is) that is simply put into effect by a school, can be easily ignored by another school.

[ANS04]

Sandman you are so awesome...I cant tell you how much I appreciate the help!

[Sandman2]

"All he has is a BIP (behavioral intervention plan)...that is it."
I wasn't exactly sure how a BIP fits into all of this so I started researching -  Lots of really good stuff out there.  I do know that a PIP is done by the IEP team (I think).  I don't think it counts as an IEP or a 504, but it is very legally binding.  In short, I have still got a lot of reading to do.  Think I will talk to one of my special ed friends.
    Anyway, here are several excellent resources on BIP's.  I would highly recommend you start going through them.  Most also have excellent ideas for helping kids.

http://cecp.air.org/fba/default.asp

http://specialchildren.about.com/od/specialeducation/qt/behaviorplan.htm

http://www.ldonline.org/article/6180

[mrsdeb]

While being in the classroom might make it to where your son will not be his "normal self" and act out when you're there, I cannot imagine a school's ability to deny you the option of observing him.  I think that is a problem.