angry, violent younger sister

[Lmf330]

I am 16 years old and I live with my mom and younger sister, who is 12. My sister is so horribly behaved. When she wants something, she has to get it, or she throws violent tantrums and fits of anger. My mother has rheumatoid arthritis and she hits my mother when my mother yells at her for behaving the way she does. She also hits and scratches me when I step in to prevent her from touching my mother. I have scars from deep scratches she's gave me that made me bleed, which has been a lot of times. When she asks my mom for permission to do something, she'll ask her in a forced manner, as if my mother has to say yes. Most of the time she doesn't ask for permission, and does whatever she wants. She would hit my mother anywhere, even in the street, she doesn't care, or care at least a bit that my mother is suffering from chronic rheumatoid arthritis. She wants things to go her way no matter what. She's 12 and she wants to go everywhere by herself but we won't allow that so whenever she made plans for something without asking my mom, my mom has to go running after her or she'll leave the house and my mom won't know where she went or is. She is a good student and well behaved in school. My mom and I can't take her behavior anymore, we live constantly nervous and extremely stressed out. She's almost a teen so we are scared for what's to come. At first I thought it was bad behavior, but her behavior is at its worst so I'm thinking it might be something else. Any suggestions would be great. Thank you.

[Sandman2]

  Wow, I feel for you and your Mom.  It does sound like little sister has found out how to get her wishes.  What she started doing years ago seemed to work for her and now that is what she is using to get her ways.
   There is no easy answer.  To change her behavior, you are going to have to pick one thing that you don't like that she does and everytime she does it have a response and an immediate consequence.  It will probably take several weeks of this before she realizes that tactic won't work - and then you start working on another one.
   Kind of wondering how dear old dad would mind if sis went to live with him for awhile?  
   Your Mom might want to buy "Parenting teens with love and logic" by Cline and Fay - found here - http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Teens-Updated-Expanded-Edition/dp/1576839303/ref=pd_sim_b_2
   I am thinking that part of the problem may be in how your mom responds to your sisters demands and this book will help with that.
  I also think that the "angst" between you two is not helping the situation.  As one of our posters would say - "you need to pick your battles."
  But while doing all of this - also try to look at the world through her eyes.  She is the youngest.  She can't do what you or your mom do.  She is at a really weird age (for a girl) where many things are suddenly changing for her.  So kind of keep all of this in mind.  What you and your mom have to do (and maybe dad) is have a plan and stick to it.  You can't go on just reacting to her actions.  Hope this helps a bit - and good luck!

[Lmf330]

To answer margypops question, yes, there is definitely angst between us. Before if we argued it was normal sibling arguments but as the years went on her behavior has gotten worse, and she is making my mother's life and mine miserable so we do have angst between us now, we always end up clashing because of her behavior towards my mom and I. There is no issues at school, we just can't seem to understand why she behaves so terribly toward us. Also, what triggers an episode usually is she's always just irritable and with a bad attitude towards us. She always has some crazy thing that she wants to do or wants my mom to buy for her, and if my mom tries to reason with her or says no,  she starts hitting her and screaming at her. I get involved, even though I try not to, because I won't accept her putting her hands on my mom. Again, I've always thought she was just a spoiled brat, but her behavior is so bad now, like injuring me and hitting my mother, I don't think it's just that. We don't live with our father but he is still around, we still see him a lot, so I don't know if that plays a role. Thanks both for the replies.

[Sandman2]

   The point by Margy about school is very important.  If she has problems at school, there may be other issues involved.  If this only happens at home, then it is something that probably can be solved at home.  So please get back to us on that.

[margypops]

Could you give us an idea of what may trigger an episode , what happens prior you a behavior.If she is good at school and no problems she maybe upset by something at home. You say she injures you ,how do you feel about her I get a feeling there is some angst between you both .What about Mom does she think your sister has a problem ?.