Self centered and troublesome child

[unclebill725]

As I write this, my 3 year old nephew is in the Hospital with his head cracked open, after "playing" with his 11 year old cousin, another of my nephews, who I'll call "Andy."

Andy has been a problem since he learned to walk and talk, and I am absolutely at the end of my rope.  Andy is an only child, self-centered to an absurd level, selfish, spiteful, disrespectful to adults and now is getting violent.  The only discipline that his parents, my brother and sister in law, have ever given was tepid at best...they would send him into "time-out" but he would immediately announce "I'm not sitting in time out" and go about his business, so they just gave up, with no repercussions for his refusal.

Andy is self-centered to the degree that he will walk into a room without saying a word, go up to an adult reading a newspaper, snatch it out of their hands and tear it to bits, yelling "You aren't paying attention to me."

The child, last Christmas, was halfway through opening his gifts when he suddenly threw them aside, screamed "I hate you Gramma, I hate everyone, no one bought me what I want" and stormed upstairs.  Rather than making him immediately rejoin the family and apologize to everyone, his parents, as always, just ignored him.

When his little cousins were born, he would make comments like "I'd like to kill the baby" and I caught him on more than one occasion tormenting them, such as holding their toy out of their reach and taunting them while they cried.

I could give example after example after example of this type of behavior, these are by no means isolated incidents, they are the norm.

Andy has never had a friend in his life, which is not surprising given his behavior.  His doting parents give him everything he wants, and never make any attempt to actually discipline the boy.  At this rate he is headed for a long lonely life and I'm afraid with each passing year that he is going to get to a point where he is beyond all help.

The most worrisome thing, to me, is that his parents insist that he does well in school with no behavior problems (he goes to a regular public school) which indicates to me that he knows perfectly well the difference between right and wrong and is capable of behaving himself when he wants to.  If he behaved even a little bit at school the way he does arounf family, he would have been sent to a special school long ago.

It's not only Andy's parents, but my mother and sisters and brothers all refuse to face the facts about this boy.  I have warned them many times about not letting him be alone with the other kids, and they insist that there is "nothing wrong with him."  Now that he has put someone in the hospital they still refuse to believe it.

My family has made me out to be the problem because of my concern for the other children.  The child also lies pathologically and will tell his parents things like "Uncle Bill yelled at me" when I've done nothing of the sort.

I am at the absolute end of my rope.  I no longer want to attend family functions because I don't want to feel guilty about it if he injures someone.  No one else seems to care or hold this child accountable (my family is the type that tries to sweep things like this under the rug.)  I don't want my interactions with my family to be dictated to by an 11 year old.  I desperately need some advice.

[BabyHardiman]

I can understand where you are coming from Bill.  I have 8 nephews who do NO WRONG in my eyes, or the eyes of my sisters and mother.  I don't care who says what about them, they are MY nephews and I will do anything to protect them.  I think maybe your family is doing the same thing.  Right now they do not see him as a threat because he is soo young.

Is it because this is your brothers only child possibly?  Or is it because you do not have children, and they think you are ignorant in your concerns?

I really don't see how you could imagine all of this stuff as suggested above.  And for what reason would you seek out a public forum to post your concerns to a bunch of strangers if you didn't feel like you could really use some help.  

It sounds to me like his parents need a good talking to.  Some parents are blind to their childs behavior and it's "easier" to ignore them, than to have to get into a confrontation with them in public.. it's probably embarassing to them to have their own child treat them that way.  Maybe you could suggest a couple of parenting books to them, or if you read them yourself and suggested new ways of reaching the child by dicipline, or by other forms of interactions.

I hope your three year old nephew improves.  I'll keep him in my thoughts and prayers.

[unclebill725]

OK, I see that it is indeed me who is the problem.  Thank you.

[RockRose]

Uncle Bill - I'm totally puzzled by your post.  I was reading along,  um hmm,  um hmm,  when suddenly your post switches directions.

You're the only one who sees this boy this way.  The only one.  Not his teachers,  not his grandma or aunts and uncles,  not even the parents of the three year old who is in the hospital?  You're the only one?

Family dynamics  can be funny stuff,  but for your whole extended family,  and his school,  to say there's nothing wrong with him - and yet you describe him with such venom - these two stories don't match.  They just don't match up.   Your brother's wives all think he's fine?  

I think you need to consider,  at least briefly,  that you're wrong in your assessment.  Is that possible?