Separation Anxiety and Divorce

[SamWondering]

I recently divorce my wife after about 2 years of marriage.  We had a boy who will be turning 4 in the next 2 months.  We've been apart for a little over a year now.  Previously, we had shared him every other day and every other weekend - due to her wishes and my financial inability to fight it - we are now on a four week rotation (I get him every other weekend, every Wednesday, and every fourth week of the rotation period).

My concern is that every time I drop my son off with his mother, he cries and says that he wants to say with me (he does this right in front of her) but when she drops him off with me, he always has a big smile on his face and comes running to me.  Is this normal separation anxiety or should I be concerned that there is a bigger issue?

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In almost all circumstances with young children (i.e., before their teen years) it is better that they have a principle custodial parent, in whose home the child lives during the 'school week'. That is the only arrangement that permits the degree of routine and structure that children require. Too often the probate courts approve other arrangements that serve the needs/wishes of the parents but do not serve the best interests of children.

[SamWondering]

Dr. Kennedy - I definitely appreciate the quick response.  It was my originally wishes to have a one week on and one week off schedule so as to create more structure but to allow each parent to have their equal time with him.  I myself am a product of divorce and had a hard time never seeing my father so feel that it is best that I not take his mother out of his life with full custody and only weekend visits but of course I want the best for my son.

Is it more important for the child to primarily stay in one home (i.e. one parent with full custody and the other with visitation rights) or is it better for the child to have each parent equally involved in his life (i.e. one week on, one week off)?

Thanks again

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

In and of itself it does not indicate a problem and can be a manifestation of normal separation concerns. To be frank, though, this arrangement is not particularly good. It is an improvement over the former arrangement, which has nothing to recommend it, but even the current plan does not afford the kind of structure and routine that young children need. I hope you and his mother make some other decisioon by the time your son starts 'regular' school, such as by the start of kindergarten (if you live in the U.S.). Bssically, it almost always makes sense for a child to go to sleep and wake up in the same bed on every school day, not switiching and transitioning back and forth.