Serious concerns about stepchildren

[smom]

This will be a long question as I am going to give a little background also.  Sorry.  I am the stepmom to three children.  My fiance has custody of the three kids from his previous marraige.  The kids have every other weekend visits with their biological mother.  She did not see the kids hardly for three years.  For the past year she has taken her regular visitation (since finding out that we were going to get married).  She has spent this time telling the kids how mean and abusive we are and if they will talk to the police, or child services then they can live with her.
They have spoken with them and we have been investigated numerous times.  Nothing has been found wrong with our home.  My problem is that she tells the kids this and when they get home from her house they are extremely disrespectful and immature.  The youngest becomes completely defiant at home and school.  The middle has total disrespect for me and the other kids (me and my biological children especially).  And the oldest becomes very emotional and looses his own self respect and confidence.  Except around visit times these children are wonderful.  Loving and bright.  We have tried to talk with the mom about this and have asked her to sit down and work a plan for raising these children but she refuses.  Instead she tells them that we are mean and our rules are not right and that we interfere with her visits and communication with the kids. (We have never refused her to call or the kids to call her or for them to see each other.  She has also been invited to birthdays and important events.  She then mixes up the times and tells the kids that it was our fault because we told her a different time.  Not true).  She has them convinced that their father abused them severely when they were younger and that she left him because he beat her up.  This is all very untrue.  In the past when they wanted to call me mom she became quite angry with the kids and told them not to, I was just a nanny.
As a result of all of this our house becomes quite stressful.  How do I deal with the kids?  These children are young, the oldest being 8 and the youngest 5.  We have tried everything we can think of.  We would like the kids to adjust to an already hard situation of blending a family but she makes it impossible.  I realize that I can't reason with the mom but what can I do to make all of this easier on the kids?  My biological kids and my stepkids.

[smom]

Thank you for your comment.  We have had family counselors involved and are going through a custody battle right now.  I agree that she is emotionally abusing them but I have been told that it is soooo hard to prove.  We will continue fighting and doing all we can for the kids.

[Misty]

Dear smom,
  You didn't say why the mother lost or gave up custody. The court appt gradian is a good start. But you can get a social worker involed. That would help especially when she tried to call social services on your family. She is abusing those children in a sense emotionally. Another option would be family counsling or cooumsling for the children. This situation is the making for a very bad ending. A legal gardian is one that is appointed by the courts to seek the best interest of the children. It's like a lawyer for the children. Good luck to you and your family.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

There is a limited amount you can do, unfortunately, because the problematic behavior is under someone else's control, not yours. These situations are very frustrating and difficult, because you are powerless to control your own destiny.

All you can do is be the best parents you can be while the children are with you. This means to be sure not to take the bait and get involved in any mutual recriminations. Even though the children's mother is deserving of reasonable criticism for her behavior, it will not help to engage in such criticism.

Now, depending on the rules in your jurisdiction, you may be able to approach the courts and request the appointment of a guardian ad litem (GAL), whose job it is to look out for the best interests of the children. The GAL would have the authority to intervene around the visitation arrangements, and perhaps be able to influence the children's mother to behave in a way that is more sensible.