Severe tantrums over socks, shows and underwear.

[Swilsonpom]

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old.  She will not wear socks with seams, underwear, or shoes.  We have tried everything.  we have bought all new pairs of socks and underwear (Cotton) (3T and 4T sizes) so I know they fit.  We have taken her shoes shopping several times and none of the shoes are suitable for her.  I thought she had a wide foot, and so I got WIDE shoes.  She refuses to wear them "because they hurt her and feel uncomfortable".  At this point I do not know what to do.

It's not Ok for her to go without wearing underwear, especially if she wears dresses all the time.  I have told her she can just not wear underwear and just wear tights or leggings, but she refuses to wear those unless she has underwear on.  I have tried to  put the shoes and socks on my letting her do it herself, then we resorted to spanking for not obeying, but nothing works.  Finally today, we went to the Library for an outting and she went without shoes and socks.  It was like 40 degrees out, walking on cold pavement, and in public places without shoes and socks.  I am so uppset, because I am trying to protect her feet, but she won't allow it!

HELP!

[Swilsonpom]

Thank you for all you comments.  I will look into this disorder!

[specialmom]

Hi.  My son has sensory integration disorder which is an issue with the nervous system and how the brain-- body work together.  What you describe sounds like tactile defensiveness.  That is when the nervous system is hyper sensative to certain things and it makes a child/adult VERY uncomfortable and possibly even painful.  My son had a real issue with washing his hands.  He would have the monster meltdown over it and if his sleeves by chance got wet . . . holy guacamole------- watch out.  I didn't understand it and it was very frustrating.  Other things started happening as well-----  so we had him evaluated by an occupational therapist and sure enough, he has this developmental delay.  (developmental delay has nothing to do with intelligence and my boy met all developmental milestones on time or early . . .  so I was pretty shocked that he had this.)   We started occupational therapy once a week and do other things to help his nervous system and it is much much better.  

What I've gotten is that the sensation of water felt like intense tingling, itching  . . . like if you hold snow in your hand without gloves and then you go inside and the hand starts to warm up after that.  Do you know the sensation I am talking about?  It is really uncomfortable.  He has some issues with seams as well.  We buy Hanes brand socks  which have few seams and he can tolerate them and our rule is that he has to wear them when he leaves the house but he doesn't have to wear socks at home.  We have always had that rule and I just stick to it.  I've now gotten him to leave his socks on if he takes his shoes off at a friend's house but that is recent (he is 6).  So I think that I would do as Julie says and be the parent with issues that may endanger her like not wearing any shoes and socks in cold weather---------  but bend where you can if you read up on sensory and you think it fits.  We buy everything tagless, material is soft, I make an effort to make him comfortable.  I try to be empathetic as I may not understand what is going on.  My other son . . . who does not have sensory.  Well, he is just complaining about something.  But my sensory kid has real discomforts and real concerns.  So I work with it.  In occupational therapy they do this thing called "brushing" which has had a wonderful effect for my child and made many things more tolerable.  He hasn't had a meltdown over washing hands in 2 years.  (he's now 6).  

So do google sensory integration disorder and tactile defensiveness and let me know if you have any questions.  Julie is right that you are the parent and you control the situation. Just add in the information that she may be doing the best she can with her nervous system and help her through it.  good luck

[jdtm]

I suspect your daughter is suffering from DSI - Sensory Integration Disorder (sensory issues as touch and probably is quite sensitive to some of the other sensory areas as sight, sound, taste and smell).  This issue is common among children.

One of the mothers on this site is an expert in this area - hope she replies to give you more insight and advice.  For now, though, I might suggest you google the phrase "sensory issues and children" or "sensory integration disorder" or similar words/phrases to learn more about this issue.  I wish you the best ....

[Julie359]

Well, you have to realise that you are the ADULTand she is a 3 1/2 yr old CHILD, who you are lettling dominate you into doing what she wants..... If she wants to go library and she wont put the socks and shoes on then simple, tell her she either puts them on or you dont go! If this does nothing then take away all her nice favourite things, sweety treats, fav TV Programmes, if she wants a friend over for play time you tell her flatly only if you wear your underwear, shoes and socks, take away her toys etc etc.  Give her NO room to move and DO NOT give in to her whinging and whining, crying and temper tantrums cause then she will learn that by doing this she can get her own way.  A spank has never hurt a child in the appropriate manner so if she continues to disobey you give her a spank and make sure you tell her the reson as to why she is getting it.  Every time you take away a toy etc.... tell her exactly why you are taking it away... she will soon understand that by not complying with ur rules on wearing shoes, socks etc there will be consequences to her actions.  The most important rule of all is not to give in to her, cause as you see she hasn't given in to you and now she is getting her own way.... take control back!