Aa
Should I attempt to involve myself in my childrens' lives?
I have 2 children by a woman that is married to someone else and believes he is their father. The first child actually lead to the marriage, as the pregnancy scared and confused the mother and I while the other man insisted on a marriage. Either way, discussion of that isn't the issue at hand. I did have a semi-regular presence in both my daugthers' lives early on, but as time went on and they began talking about me, seeing them became infrequent. I'm still in regular contact with their mother, but I am not allowed to even talk to them on the phone due to the difficulties that arise when they excitedly talk about me. Both of us wanted to correct this situation from the beginning, but concern over how it would affect others stayed us. At this point, I haven't had direct contact with my daughters for over half a year, and am contemplating pursuing legal action for a paternity testing and possibly shared custody depending on the results. Is there any advice on how best to approach this for the children? Obviously, I plan to speak to a child psychologist and a lawyer before proceeding, but any input would be appreciated.
Incidentally, your hypothetical about some future baby who might be born and not look like the others, is also a little flawed. It will look like its siblings, even if they are half siblings. The mother contributes DNA too, you know.
How old are the kids, anyway? Is the affair still going on, and that is why you want to force the mother's hand in this harsh way?
How old are the kids, anyway? Is the affair still going on, and that is why you want to force the mother's hand in this harsh way?
Ruin their lives, probably. That will make you proud, ruining their lives, because you told the truth, right?
"Any more advice about how I'm breaking up the magical family because they feel-extra-good-feelings-about-everybody-and-pretending-is-better-than-what's-real isn't helpful, or honestly that compelling. If people are comfortable lying to their children because it makes them smile, well, I suppose I can stop them, but I certainly don't understand it."
Exactly what good does it do to break up the kids' reality? Their reality is a family that lives together day in and day out. I am glad you decided to talk to a psychologist before dropping this bombshell.
Do you remember the case about a decade ago of a little girl who was adopted, and when she was 3, was taken out of the only home she had ever known and given to her biological father? Do you REALLY think this "truth" made her a well-balanced and happy person? It probably destroyed her life.
It's one thing when the girls are adults, but definitely another when they are little kids.
If you are wanting to do this to force the mother's hand (so she will leave her marriage), don't sacrifice the kids' emotional status for that purpose.
As RockRose said, a parent will literally die for their child. You're not exactly looking like you want to do anything for the kids, just for your own sense of being able to tell your secret. Problem is, your secret will hurt them a lot.
Exactly what good does it do to break up the kids' reality? Their reality is a family that lives together day in and day out. I am glad you decided to talk to a psychologist before dropping this bombshell.
Do you remember the case about a decade ago of a little girl who was adopted, and when she was 3, was taken out of the only home she had ever known and given to her biological father? Do you REALLY think this "truth" made her a well-balanced and happy person? It probably destroyed her life.
It's one thing when the girls are adults, but definitely another when they are little kids.
If you are wanting to do this to force the mother's hand (so she will leave her marriage), don't sacrifice the kids' emotional status for that purpose.
As RockRose said, a parent will literally die for their child. You're not exactly looking like you want to do anything for the kids, just for your own sense of being able to tell your secret. Problem is, your secret will hurt them a lot.
My opinion is pretty much the same as the others in that you should back off for now. However, I do believe that the man that thinks he is their biological father should be told. And from there, I feel that the three of you together should make the decision as to when and how to tell those children. It just feels deceitful to me that he not know. But I do not think that finding a lawyer and fighting for your rights to those children is the right thing to do. Their young lives will be turned upside down and they are not old enough to understand. It's not fair to do that to them.
I have only one comment I know and think the others are right but I also know that 2 parents are good in a childs life and in the future as adults they may want to know their bio father .,you do exist ..
I agree with Rockrose and AnnieBrook in this one.... but felt the need to quickly add..... that if (God Forbid) your daughters were in a serious accident and needed blood - then they cross match their blood and give an appropriate blood group - they don't just automaticlly give a parents blood to a child - EVER - because it may not match - the child (or persons) blood group is FIRST determined and then blood given - usually from the blood bank which is from a stanger who has donated blood.
So you really don't need that as a reason to tell them.
Okay sorry I can't help it I will add one more quick thing!
This is all about you. But you are the adult and they are the children... it needs to all be about them... the best thing you can give them is a stable and drama and shock free childhood - which it sounds like they are getting right now.
Let them have that.
So you really don't need that as a reason to tell them.
Okay sorry I can't help it I will add one more quick thing!
This is all about you. But you are the adult and they are the children... it needs to all be about them... the best thing you can give them is a stable and drama and shock free childhood - which it sounds like they are getting right now.
Let them have that.
Worried, this is all about you. All about you wanting it known that you are their dad - and your thought about waiting until they're 18 (interestingly, about the time where you won't have to pay any money) for their "right" to know - rings hollow.
If their mother decide to have another baby, they will see that baby as a full sibling, and girls usually like that.
If in the future they get disowned, that's something else. In the meantime, it sounds like they are happy and secure. Your desire to cut in and basically wreck their family unit shouldn't supercede your desire that they have a happy intact family.
Parents die for their children. Parents willingly starve to death so their children can eat. Can you just make the tiny sacrifice of not racing in there and announcing that you want to break up their secure home? That doesn't seem like too much of a sacrifice to ask.
If their mother decide to have another baby, they will see that baby as a full sibling, and girls usually like that.
If in the future they get disowned, that's something else. In the meantime, it sounds like they are happy and secure. Your desire to cut in and basically wreck their family unit shouldn't supercede your desire that they have a happy intact family.
Parents die for their children. Parents willingly starve to death so their children can eat. Can you just make the tiny sacrifice of not racing in there and announcing that you want to break up their secure home? That doesn't seem like too much of a sacrifice to ask.
I understand that the dominant viewpoint out there is that, "feelings are more important than reality." to clarify, yes obviously there are some selfish drives behind my motivation, but the majority of it is out of love and concern for my children. Every day that I allow this situation to continue, I am disrespecting my daughters, their mother, their pretend father, and all of our families as people that have a right to the truth. I trust that my children are strong enough to handle it because they are the best in me and their mother.
Regardless, even if I do nothing, I plan to let them know when they turn 18, because my reluctant obligation to keep this secret will end with them being adults and having every right to know regardless of what any of us want. Obviously, some will say I should simply wait until then, but I have difficulties constantly lying to people I love, if only by omission, and I've reached my tolerance with that.
Aside from this, "who loves them best" argument, there is the real possibility of a critical situation happening that I won't be able to do anything about; perhaps a car wreck occurs were my daughters are critically injured and their mother is unconscious at best. Assuming their "father" doesn't provide them with a blood transfusion that kill the outright, since no one knew any better, there is a strong chance that he would be confronted by medical evidence that would impare his ability to make decisions about their welfare. That may seem like an irrational worry, but there is an abundance of other scenarios that could lead to the same situation.
What if their situation changes drastically, though? Their mother wants nothing but their safety, and is on birth control, but I have little doubt that if their "father" wanted to have "another" child, she would relent, out of guilt if nothing else. So, ignoring the, probably, huge differences in appearance, when the girls grow old enoug that I have to tell them, there family structure shifts hard, if only in their "father" and his family disowning them in favor of his genuine offspring. It may sound a harsh assessment, but I'm trying to predict problem, reactions, and complications for my daughters in every scenario, rather than trust in the fickle nature of people I don't know.
So, is there any advice on how to (a) help my daughters through this situation and (b) help there mother through it as well? Honestly, she would be long go e if she wasn't terrified of hurting the respective families and what people would think of her. Any more advice about how I'm breaking up the magical family because they feel-extra-good-feelings-about-everybody-and-pretending-is-better-than-what's-real isn't helpful, or honestly that compelling. If people are comfortable lying to their children because it makes them smile, well, I suppose I can stop them, but I certainly don't understand it.
Regardless, even if I do nothing, I plan to let them know when they turn 18, because my reluctant obligation to keep this secret will end with them being adults and having every right to know regardless of what any of us want. Obviously, some will say I should simply wait until then, but I have difficulties constantly lying to people I love, if only by omission, and I've reached my tolerance with that.
Aside from this, "who loves them best" argument, there is the real possibility of a critical situation happening that I won't be able to do anything about; perhaps a car wreck occurs were my daughters are critically injured and their mother is unconscious at best. Assuming their "father" doesn't provide them with a blood transfusion that kill the outright, since no one knew any better, there is a strong chance that he would be confronted by medical evidence that would impare his ability to make decisions about their welfare. That may seem like an irrational worry, but there is an abundance of other scenarios that could lead to the same situation.
What if their situation changes drastically, though? Their mother wants nothing but their safety, and is on birth control, but I have little doubt that if their "father" wanted to have "another" child, she would relent, out of guilt if nothing else. So, ignoring the, probably, huge differences in appearance, when the girls grow old enoug that I have to tell them, there family structure shifts hard, if only in their "father" and his family disowning them in favor of his genuine offspring. It may sound a harsh assessment, but I'm trying to predict problem, reactions, and complications for my daughters in every scenario, rather than trust in the fickle nature of people I don't know.
So, is there any advice on how to (a) help my daughters through this situation and (b) help there mother through it as well? Honestly, she would be long go e if she wasn't terrified of hurting the respective families and what people would think of her. Any more advice about how I'm breaking up the magical family because they feel-extra-good-feelings-about-everybody-and-pretending-is-better-than-what's-real isn't helpful, or honestly that compelling. If people are comfortable lying to their children because it makes them smile, well, I suppose I can stop them, but I certainly don't understand it.
Why do they excitedly talk about you, exactly? Excited in what way? What does the mother say to them that makes them think you're exciting?
It might help you in your thinking about this to think of what a young woman goes through who gives up her child for adoption. She might be "scared and confused," as you say you and the mother were. But she makes the choice she does (a permanent decision) for the sake of the child. Even in an open adoption, there are no do-overs if she has a change of heart. She can't file for shared custody later on when the kid is cute or if she feels the pull of biology, or if she finally has her head clear after not knowing what to do at the time. The door is shut on these kind of second thoughts, in order to create safety and security for the child, so the family can move forward with certainty. You and your girlfriend didn't get married, you let her marry someone else, and that is about the same thing as letting the kids be adopted, at least as far as the kids are concerned.
Especially since he was married to your girlfriend when the kids were born, the man your ex-girlfriend is married to, is the kids' dad by law. More significant, he is their dad by virtue of endless hours of diaper changes, midnight feedings, holding the sick child at the doctor's office, cleaning up messes, worrying about their college education, sitting up all night over a fever, going to preschool programs, buying shoes, etc. etc. etc. (a list so long it is not possible to write). You don't say he is a bad father. You don't say the kids are unhappy.
What is your motivation? If it is so you can be with the kids, you're really not doing it in their best interests, as saying something after they have a stable and established life will just throw the kids into elemental confusion.
It might help you in your thinking about this to think of what a young woman goes through who gives up her child for adoption. She might be "scared and confused," as you say you and the mother were. But she makes the choice she does (a permanent decision) for the sake of the child. Even in an open adoption, there are no do-overs if she has a change of heart. She can't file for shared custody later on when the kid is cute or if she feels the pull of biology, or if she finally has her head clear after not knowing what to do at the time. The door is shut on these kind of second thoughts, in order to create safety and security for the child, so the family can move forward with certainty. You and your girlfriend didn't get married, you let her marry someone else, and that is about the same thing as letting the kids be adopted, at least as far as the kids are concerned.
Especially since he was married to your girlfriend when the kids were born, the man your ex-girlfriend is married to, is the kids' dad by law. More significant, he is their dad by virtue of endless hours of diaper changes, midnight feedings, holding the sick child at the doctor's office, cleaning up messes, worrying about their college education, sitting up all night over a fever, going to preschool programs, buying shoes, etc. etc. etc. (a list so long it is not possible to write). You don't say he is a bad father. You don't say the kids are unhappy.
What is your motivation? If it is so you can be with the kids, you're really not doing it in their best interests, as saying something after they have a stable and established life will just throw the kids into elemental confusion.
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