Should I let my 14 yr old leave?

[the_mom]

My son is 14 years old with a very extensive and complicated past.  "Son" did not know his father until he was 9 yrs old.  His relationship with his father is not very stable.  Sometimes he sees him, sometimes he doesn't.  His father is remarried with a family of his own.  Son has 5 siblings by his father and 2 siblings that he has always lived with at home. Christmas of 2001, Son and myself were in an argument which led to my son pushing me down and holding me down.  This lead to him living with his father for 5 months.  His father had problems with him and will not allow him to stay with him any longer.  He came home and behaved for a couple of weeks.  Now he is resorting back to his defiant antisocial behavior that is now causing a lot of home turmoil.  This takes time and attention away from my other 2 children. My son is now asking to leave and go live with my mother.  (They aren't that close - he just does not want to live with me.)  Should I just let him go or should I insist that he stay with me?  I feel that if I make him stay - he will make every day a living hell, constant arguing, irresponsible, disagreeing - he refuses to agree with any household decisions - whether they are small or large.  (i.e. - if we are going to eat steak - he wants chicken, if we are watching an action movie - he wants comedy, if it is time to go to bed - he wants to stay up, sky is blue - he says green - sometimes just that defiant)  I do not want to "give up" on my son but I do not know what to do. What is in the best interest for my son? my other 2 children? and myself?
I need help.

[peevee]

My son has a milder form of your son's behavior although I recognize the same thread.  He is disruptive and physically abusive to his younger sister and to his mother.  He calls me "*******."  Sweet, isn't he.  He was the greatest kid when he was younger.  We went through Parent Participation classes, Daddy and Me, soccer every weekend and family vacations together.  Didn't seem to matter though so don't beat yourself up that he didn't have the best family setting.  However, your son's situation  sounds much worse though and you are going it alone to boot.  

If he demonstrates dangerous behavior, you may consider police intervention to develop a record.  My wife would disagree for fear of tarnishing his record.  But if these things are escalating, where do we draw the line?  This could easily develop into a tradgedy.  At some point social services could then intervene with the threat of your son moving to a youth facility as a condition of probation.  It may bring him in line.  

This is just a thought.  I don't have any experience with this path although I talk to a mother who has two sons that went on probation.  She encourages me not to hesitate.  The thought of my son being housed with the rougher element scares me.  I wish there was a way to scare him without actually putting him in harm's way.  My son's behavior drives everyone nuts.  It's like having a wild animal in the house at times.  I hope "dad" is helping you out with $$ for councelling.  Most of my freinds who had this problem just waited it out although they used some help.  Hope things will work out.

[scoli]

Just letting your son leave is not going to solve his behavior problems, but it may make your family safer.  Maybe, you can let him go for a trial basis under the condition that he will meet weekly with a counselor / therapist and follow some rules that you set up.  If he cooperates, behaves for your mother, and communicates with you regularly, then he can continue to live with your mom, but if he breaks any of the rules you set forth, he comes back.

[the_mom]

Thank you each for the comments to date.  

FYI...I have contacted the local department of social services and the law enforcment during one of his major outburst involving physical abuse.  They did not offer me any options.  The social services advised that they would review his cause and get back in touch with me.  That was on July 6, 2002.  Still waiting with no call backs.  The law wrote out a report to have on file for future use.  (I was expecting help that day not for "future" use.)

My son is dangerous to his siblings and other children, to the point where I have to supervise him around other children.  That is the reason his father will not allow him to stay with him any longer.  My son was abusing his youngest son and then got into a confrontation with the babysitter.  

Thank you all for you help.  All comments are read and greatly appreciated.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It likely will not be useful for your son to live with his grandmother. This is an attempt by him to satisfy his impulses and seek pleasure, while escaping your limit setting. It would make sense to seek the involvement of your local social service and mental health networks. He likely does require placement outside the home, but such placement should be determined in the course of a thorough evaluation of his condition and treatment needs.

[feeling guilty]

I'm am going through the same thing with my son. My brother took him for the summer because I was losing it. He was driving me crazy. My son is dangerous to my other two children, I don't know if you have the same fears. He has been in therapy. They say that this form of behavior is one of the hardest to treat. Go to GOOGLE.COM and look up oppositional defiant disorder you may find answers. Good luck.