Snobbish moms, to avoid or not?

[Starbucks416]

When my son started JK last year, I have bonded with a few of these moms. We would set up playdates for our kids and mommy play dates at the same time. Then the following year I try to expand my son's friends by hosting play dates for him with other kids from his class. The problem really started when the boy that he loves to play with who also likes to play with him felt left out because he was also playing with his new friends. The feeling left out boy's mom criticized me for trying so hard and I should let kids be. Then the next thing she told me was that she wanted her son to take sometime off mine.  So I left her alone and continue to host play dates for my son with a few other boys and some girls that he enjoying playing with. If it was up to him, he would love to have play dates with all his classmates. Little did I realized, these moms started to form their exclusive group. They would talk amongst themselves and go on exclusive moms night out together and I'd never even got an invite. So I have avoided them all year because I don't like their gossips and I don't want to have anything to do with them. Instead I just want to focus on my son's after school activities. So he's going into grade 1 next year and there'll be two grade 1 classes. Should I request for my son to be in a different grade 1? I can just see this problem getting worse. These moms will enjoy ostracizing me next year just because I'm considered a loner and an easy target. I can talk to anyone of them at anytime but I hate fakes. I have come to realize that their friendship was fake all along. I just want a fresh start. So would it be outrageous of me to have my son be in a different grade 1 class from these moms kids. I volunteer at school and in class and I just want to avoid the strain and awkwardness of seeing them around class events.

[specialmom]

I think you are wise to hold back from trying to direct which class he is in next year based on this.  Reserve that for a situation that is unbearable like if he ever has  a child bully him, etc.  Or even if there is a child that causes issues with yours.  THAT is when you pull the parent advocate card and switch classes.

Good luck with it all.  I have found that since my kids are getting a bit older in elementary school, I'm less involved in these things than I used to be.  I think you will find the same in a year or two.  Don't get wrapped up in this mom drama and just be polite to everyone.  
good luck

[allmymarbles]

There seems to be a great need for popularity. There also appears to be an overabundance of planned activities. That is too much structure. Children need some time alone, quiet time, time to daydream.

[Starbucks416]

That is so true @allmymarbles! They hate me now because I no longer offer up my house to make them lunches. For them to sit around while their kids run rampage thru my house. One was toilette training her son and allowed him to sit on my nice cushion wicker chair and pee'd on it because she refused to have him in pull-ups! I was just so disappointed in the end when I saw how my words got twisted by one and I was accused of having too much time on my hands while some of them had to work part time or are at home with two kids and not with one like me. I thought friends don't back stab one another. I thought that when I told them that it was not my intention to create a situation where my son would be playing with his new friends while her son felt left out. I offered to have more play dates for her son and mine but she was more interested in cancelling out last minute on us to give her son a break. They hate me more now because I no longer chase after them with hellos. I'm so turned off by their love for gossips. I do feel lonely at times because I'm no longer in the loop or circle of gossips about teachers and moms at the school. I don't try to develop relationships with these moms anymore but have shifted my focus on developing friendships for my son. So I would host play dates with kids that I can see play well with him and their moms would reciprocate by taking mine at times. He's gotten popular amongst his friends for play dates. I would get kids coming up to me and asking when they can have a play date with my son and I always have to tell them to ask their moms to give me a good date. I usually don't get a follow up from their moms because they're too busy gossiping to really do things like cultivating kids relationships. And I'm fine with having my kid just having frequent plays with boys that share the same interests in toys like legos or the love for playing ice hockey. It's been less dramas for me because I just run play dates on my own and all the while taking my son to his skating, karate, tennis, soccer, kumon, piano and swimming on a weekly basis.  I am doing too much with him and often get run down a lot or have bouts of anxiety. Next year he won't be in half days anymore and play date opportunities or after school activities will have to be cut back.

All I can say is I hate the hurtful gossips and the exclusive moms night outs. But at the same time I can say good ridden. I also agree with @specialmom, it would be outrageous to have my son move to a different grade 1 just because I want to avoid the run-ins with these moms. I will just have to develop a thicker skin and continue to do what I think will be best for my son. I have the task of focusing on teaching him how to read at grade SK/grade 1 level this summer! He's had a lot of sports activities but not so much academically. It's been two years of staying at home for me and I'm still learning. I do like my volunteer work at school because I can be around and do a sneak peak into his days. I just hope I can deal with all future snobbery as my son will have six more years at this school.

[allmymarbles]

The children are the focus of play dates, not the mothers. Stay away from these hateful mothers and be grateful if they ignore you.

[RockRose]

I'm going to have to disagree with SM and Annie,  which I really rarely do - I could be wrong,  of course.

I've dealt with those moms you're talking about.  My middle son was very tall and very handsome,  and was in the popular crowd even in preschool.  

Children and other mothers saw him as a "catch" of a playdate for their kids.  

I got enmeshed in this group of moms who would use each other's faces as ladder rungs if they had to - what a group of snobby,  exclusive,  gossipy,  hateful women.

It was when my son was in 4th grade that he fell from that crowd because they would play basketball at recess,  and he preferred to kind of hang out on the swings or the jungle gym and chat.

It was then that I was finally able to be free of this constant one-upmanship of these moms.  (It wasn't the boys,  it was the MOMS driving that bus,  which is exactly what I perceive is going on with you,  too.  Moms can be horrible).  

So anyway,  my son fell into a more middle ground social status and that was WAY better.   The moms of his new crowd were kind,  sweet,  generous,  wise,  and caring.  Whew and whew.

Up until that circle of boys graduated,  the moms were at one another,  pretending to be friends,  but jockeying for position.  Exhausting, really.  Occasionally a mom would come in to the group,  or a mom would be rejected,  but basically the core of the eye of the tornado remained the same.

Word to the wise - don't get involved in this group.  They will leave you exhausted and crying into your pillow - find the other moms who will greatly enrich your life and your son's school experience!

[AnnieBrooke]

Our kids do what we model, not what we say.  You're modeling hurt feelings and name-calling in return for what you perceive to be exclusion.  Putting the other moms down because you feel left out.  This is what you want your son to do if he feels left out in the swirl of changing kindergarten friendships?  You want him to a) notice, b) immediately feel hurt and left out because he assumes something he didn't get invited to was deliberate, c) assume he is being singled out as an "easy target,"  d) decide he didn't want anything to do with them, thus shutting the door to possible future friendly overtures?  Moms of young kids are busy; there have probably been fewer fun get-togethers than you imagine.  (My son just finished kindergarten and there have been perhaps one or two get-togethers for some of the moms and kids, and those were more accidental and spur-of-the-moment things than planned.)  

Let your son live his own social life without you adding a layer of sulks and anger over what mom is being mean to you and what one is being nice to you.  He will sort it out if you stop putting your stuff on top of it.

[specialmom]

Once again, I do want to say that if you think about how this other mom may have been dealing with----  her son may have been hurt and she was helping with wounds on that end of things.  

It's not a big deal to set up play dates with other kids but I also think it's not a big deal what this other mom did and you are making too much out of it.  And if they felt like you were dissing their son and they too have now moved on, just move on without hard feelings.  It's not that big of a deal.  

good luck

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, it is funny, mom's of this generation, isn't it?  I'm one too, don't get me wrong.  But we tend to over involve ourselves in our kids social lives.  

What the other moms or mom is dealing with is hurt feelings with her own child.  If your son is then excluding with play at school, that is something to talk to your child about.  That we ALL are friends and all can play---  especially at that young age.  And I've always had a strict rule with my kids, they are not to talk about play dates with other kids to their friends.  It absolutely DOES hurt feelings.  So, my kids don't talk about when they play with someone else to their friends and have learned this.

Don't request anything about his class.  Try not to be so very involved with every aspect of what happens with his life socially.  I get that moms of young kids have to facilitate to a certain extent the get togethers but let things happen more naturally with your child and his friendships.  

By second grade, you can no longer say "how about we have X over" when he'd rather have Y.  They have distinct preferences by then.  And your job is to begin to understand that our children is separate from us.  I have son going into third grade and a son going into fourth grade.  I've been where you are at and it's not worth it.   Don't get too wrapped up in all of this as it is fleeting.  

Again, yes, it would be outrageous to request the other class.  By the way, as your son gets older, other things could happen such as he is in class with a child who bullies him.  Reserve your overinvolvement in his class placement for something like that when it will really matter.

good luck

Kids have immature emotions and if you think about your sons good buddies who have hurt feelings, then it might help you know where the other mom is coming from.