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Step Parenting
I am a step father of two teen age kids that have been with me for more than 8 years. As They get older they have become a very large strain on my marriage. I feel as though their mother allows too many incidences without consequence. IE....16yrold girl leaving school at 1:00 pm and not calling or coming home until after 12: am, 17 yr old boy who does nothing but lay on couch all during the week until the weekend and then without permission leaves for the weekend to go to his aunts house to be close to his girl freind,( if he is actually going to his aunt's I'm not sure. He has left his house key so he kicked in a door to get in the house and then the second time busted out a window. I am caught in a merry-go-round and I don't know how to make it stop turning.
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Lou,
You're in a difficult situation, because the kids are now well into their teens and you are not the biological father. However, you've also been one of their day-to-day parents for a long time (half their lives).
It sounds like you and the kids' mother are not on the same page, so to speak, about how to parent them during these mid-teen years. The kids sound like they are essentially doing whatever they wish, outside of the jurisdiction of you and their mother. This is not a good development.
A sound place to start would be to set an appointment with a child/adolescent behavioral health or mental health professional, for the purpose of discussing your concerns. In other words, the appointment would be for you and your wife at this point, not for the children. At the very least, the clinician can help the two of you to develop a sound approach to the kids.
You're in a difficult situation, because the kids are now well into their teens and you are not the biological father. However, you've also been one of their day-to-day parents for a long time (half their lives).
It sounds like you and the kids' mother are not on the same page, so to speak, about how to parent them during these mid-teen years. The kids sound like they are essentially doing whatever they wish, outside of the jurisdiction of you and their mother. This is not a good development.
A sound place to start would be to set an appointment with a child/adolescent behavioral health or mental health professional, for the purpose of discussing your concerns. In other words, the appointment would be for you and your wife at this point, not for the children. At the very least, the clinician can help the two of you to develop a sound approach to the kids.
I masde an attemp at this about a year ago, in which myself and their mother started a communications skills class for the 2 of us. We attended 1 class and then the kids found a way to prhibit us from going to the class. They began to fight between the two of the aboout phone privileges almost to a physical situation. After missing the second class it was pretty much said and done, we never made an attemp to go again. I feel this is not as important to my wife as it is for me. How can I make her understand that what the kids are doing is slowly tearing me apart from her. They have such controlon her that we can't even have time alone, not even to attend classes. I admit being raised in a strict house hold but it seems as if they, my wife and kids, have their own lives and I just live there. They make decisions between them without any concern for what I feel. Sometimes I don't know where they are or what time they are expected in for the day. I feel this is because my wife has allowed them to feel that they can turn to her for anything but I have been there to help with home work, problems and training but now its like those things are over looked when I tell them they can't do something because they didn't complete a responsiblity such as good grades, house chorse etc.....Where do I go from here?
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Dear Lou,
This situation is more problematic than I first understood. Initially, I had the impression that your wife was indecisive and you were a bit marginalized as a result of being the stepfather.
Your new information indicated that your wife and the children are colluding (not necessarily at a deliberate, conscious level) in a peer-like relationship that shuts you out and essentially eliminates an effective parenting alliance.
It is important, even at this late date, to realign the family structure and establish a hierarchy with definite boundaries between children and parents. This is a tall order at this stage, but worth the effort.
You can take either of two routes. One, as I mentioned earlier, is to consult (with your wife) with a mental health clinician for marital help and parent guidance. This person can help you with your relationship and with the parent/teen issue. The other route would be to seek family therapy from a mental health professional.In this alternative, all four of you would participate together. I'd recommend the first alternative, because you and your wife have some serious business to attend to if your relationship is goping to survive.
This situation is more problematic than I first understood. Initially, I had the impression that your wife was indecisive and you were a bit marginalized as a result of being the stepfather.
Your new information indicated that your wife and the children are colluding (not necessarily at a deliberate, conscious level) in a peer-like relationship that shuts you out and essentially eliminates an effective parenting alliance.
It is important, even at this late date, to realign the family structure and establish a hierarchy with definite boundaries between children and parents. This is a tall order at this stage, but worth the effort.
You can take either of two routes. One, as I mentioned earlier, is to consult (with your wife) with a mental health clinician for marital help and parent guidance. This person can help you with your relationship and with the parent/teen issue. The other route would be to seek family therapy from a mental health professional.In this alternative, all four of you would participate together. I'd recommend the first alternative, because you and your wife have some serious business to attend to if your relationship is goping to survive.
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