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Avatar universal

"Step son" does every and anything to get in trouble

This post is going to sound absolutely beyond horrible.
I have a son whom I have full custody and my boyfriends son who is the same age as my son I texhnically have full custody of also. My son sometimes is with his dad but my boyfriends son I have everyday all day. He does not go with his mother and my boyfriend works seven days a week. My son is no angel but he listens I raised him the complete opposite of how my boyfriends son is. ( little background both boys are four years old I've been with my boyfriend for 15 months we have lived together 6 months) my boyfriends son does not listen at all he doesn't listen to his dad doesn't listen to me. We have literally tried everything and he still doesn't listen. He gets into everything breaks destroys everything. Hate to say I can not stand him and I'm always with him just looking at him pusses me off I even started smoking cigarettes the past few months because my boyfriends son is so out of control and it stresses me out beyond believe. Did anyone else have this "problem" with your other halts childten? O
19 Responses
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13167 tn?1327194124
Boy,  he sounds like he's had a classic textbook history that would create an attachment disorder.

Here's a fairly good article that might help you understand this disorder.  It's like you can just go down the list and check check check check off all the symptoms and causes.

Best wishes.

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/secure-attachment/attachment-issues-and-reactive-attachment-disorders.htm
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
Well, I hope it goes well also.  I'm glad you took my post in the light I meant it in.  I wasn't coming down on you but just that you owe it to your son to provide him with a peaceful home and the other boy needs people to love him.

here is something I feel really strongly about---  if your boyfriend's son has some issues including an absentee mother, he needs to not be an absentee father.  He needs to perhaps cut back his working hours to spend with his child.  The boy has lost a mom, now a grandma doesn't want to be around him and his dad is basically gone too much for work.  I'd do with less to have your boyfriend around more.  And perhaps his presence will help him see that his child needs help., that it is a lot on you to be the caregiver for a child that gets under your skin and it will also help his son with a better sense of security and stability.  

I hope the bonding time goes well. I also think some kids push others away when they've lost people in their life.  Kind of like adults that just want to be loved but can never get close to someone because they keep their walls up hence sabotaging things.  Could be the case with this boy.   peace
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Avatar universal
My response may seem bit all over the place. I've nannies babysat for over 10 years now I never once had any " issues " connecting with a child ( we live in a smaller town and I have watched taken care of pretty much everyone children) I don't believe in spanking a child I don't believe young children should be on medication they are kids and even tho my bfs son is " out of control" I still don't want him doped up on medicine that's wrong to me personally. We are waiting for insurance to change so we can actually have him " evaluated" I also had thought about leaving the thought crossed my mind for a few moments and couldn't imagine leaving I love my boyfriend my son loves him vise versa I do not want to up and abandon his son like every other " women " in his life has. Like o said in previous post the grandma who sort of took care of him wants nothing to do with him anymore there is no one else in his family. So living situation if we split basically he would just go to diff babysitters because my boyfriend works so much. My bfs sons mother was around for the first year and a half  of his life ( we don't know exact details but when they got him from Her he was so skinny do they know if he was  starved no they don't know do they think so yes) he's had a rough childhood. But his mom up left met someone else had anothe child and is just gone. Rock rose honestly depends on th day
He try's to be very sneaky about it tho sometimes or he just flat out acts like no one else is around.
Thank you for everyone who responded tho!
Tonight going to have some one on one time with my bfs son hoping it goes well
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
One further question - is he,  as you say,  TRYING to get in trouble?  That is,  he walks up to you,  makes sure he has your full attention,  and then does something he knows is against the rules and then continues to watch you for your reaction?

Or, is he completely out of control and the situation looks like there is no adult telling him to behave,  as it has zero affect on him and he's oblivious to instruction given to him,  and isn't specifically watching for your reaction?

Believe it or not,  the first situation is more fixable.
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13167 tn?1327194124
It's also possible he inherited a personality disorder from his mother.  Mothers who cut and run from their babies (and I'm not talking about legally relinquishing an infant for adoption) aren't psychologically "normal".   So depending on his mother's story,  whatever that may be, he may have been dealt a raw genetic deal,.
Helpful - 0
13167 tn?1327194124
Hmm.  My first thought,  early in this thread,  was that you should pack up your "good" child and leave.  

But in reading further I think he needs to be evaluated for attachment disorders.  Children with this disorder are especially difficult to deal with because they don't value adult's approval,  and aren't "connected" to any adult due to never having an adult to connect with.  This disorder was brought to slight and got a lot of media during the Romanian orphanage adoptions.

Most children,  although they have varying degrees of obedience,  do actually value approval of adults and will work to gain that approval.  

In children with attachment disorders they don't see themselves as a part of the "whole" community,    and don't care at all if adults approve of them.

Adults in this child's life have failed him miserably,  and the failure is continuing.
Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
I am probably not going to be popular but I think you need to not be with this boys father.  The son and dad are a pair.  And it is not fair for that child to live in a home with someone that is so irritated by him.  The dad never should have done that to this child.  This will get much worse as he gets older and the constant comparing this 'rotten' child to your 'angel' will do this boy so much damage.  

This is not an ideal situation.  The boy deserves a peaceful home.  It would be better if his dad and he moved with his grandmother or something like that where he can get love and caring that is genuine and not forced.  

That is my honest opinion.  

I can give you lots of ideas on how to s uck your own feelings, how to help a child whose behavior is less than ideal, etc.  But you will always be unhappy with this child.  You will therefore always be unhappy in this home with this man.  And so will your own child.  Too much stress for EVERYONE.  You, your son and this other boy.  

So, I think you need to find another living arrangement.  good luck
Helpful - 0
189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
    Well, there is a  reason that it is called the terrible 3's.  The unfortunate thing is that this little guy went through it (and the two's) without much guidance.  While some baby sitters can be pretty good, having many means no consistency.  Yes, I agree that he should be evaluated for something like ADHD.
    But, the way he has been passed around, there is a pretty good chance that he has not had any consistent behavioral modifications.  Go on Amazon and get the book,  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.    It will give you a system that will work.  Essentially, to change a childs behavior it takes about 3 weeks of very consistent reinforcement using timeouts.  The book explains in detail how to do this.
     This will help you.
Helpful - 0
134578 tn?1716963197
It sounds like he should be evaluated.  Does the preschool have a list of developmental specialists who do such things?  Possibly this is all due to the trauma of his upbringing, or possibly there is more going on.  I am sorry it has fallen on you, but I'm sorrier for him, he sounds like a true orphan of the storm and it is not quitting.
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Avatar universal
Yes he use to call his grandma mom up until his dad and I got together then he stopped. He never sees her anymore but if he even sees a car like hers he gets so mad . She constantly was yelling at him because he never listened
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134578 tn?1716963197
Does the boy act this way for the grandma who raised him also?  
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Avatar universal
tonight was just the worst night I've ever had with him so I started googling trying to find similar posts see if anyone had any advice.
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Avatar universal
I work from home always have. My boyfriends sons mother has been gone for years now so my boyfriends son was raised by his grandma and different babysitters practically since my bf always works. So when we decided to move in together of course we decided he'd stay home with me since my son obviously would be staying home with me. No one in my boyfriends family will watch his son anymore since we got together they say he's not their responsibility anymore. My family willingly takes him few hours every week if I ask ( but I hate to ask because I know how rotten he is) My boyfriend is on the same page as me and he doesn't seem to understand why my son is so much more "laid back" "listens better" when they are the same age so he gets irritated too. I dread every morning because it's getting to the point where I just look at him and I have an anxiety attack. I know he's never had a stable mom figure in his life and I try so so so hard to connect with him but he just doesn't want to listen he gives me this stare and keeps on doing it. Pushes to see how far he can take it. Same way with his dad his dad has to tell him dozens of times before he finally will stop and go ro something else he's not suppose to.
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Avatar universal
Type o they are four he just turned four recently why I put three!
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Avatar universal
Anniebrooke I will explain in more detail in a few cause it will take a few for me to type everything out
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Avatar universal
He is in preschool an hour two days a week so that's why I say all day everyday.
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Avatar universal
He is 3. He is in preschool and yes he has the same problem in school about 95% of the time they say the last ten fifteen minutes of school he is ok.
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134578 tn?1716963197
If you are with him all day every day, I assume this means he is not in preschool.  Is preschool a possibility?  Possibly, if you can just get a break, you might not be so angry at him.  How is it that you became the fulltime babysitter while your boyfriend works 7 days a week?  It is possible that your annoyance at this status quo (and at your boyfriend's ex for how the child was raised) is making you react more angrily to the boy than you would otherwise.  Is there any other family support to help with this kid?  Like, a grandma or aunt?  What does your boyfriend say to all of this?
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189897 tn?1441126518
COMMUNITY LEADER
  How old is he? Does he have the same problems in school?  How are his grades?  What grade is he in?
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