Step son too old to be naked around me

[Dmheiny]

Ok. First let me say that I am the one uncomfortable with this situation. Second, even though I have found several resources that address parental nudity around children, I have not found any that address childhood nudity around parents/step parents. Ok. My husband and I have been married for three years. When we met, his son was four, now almost eight. Up through the boy's first year in kindergarten, I never really thought much about seeing him naked since he was so young and still frequently needed help around shower. Now that he is older, it seems like he wants to spend a lot more time naked, especially around me. My husband and I have addressed the issue too many times to count, and he will cover up for the moment, but next time he wants to change, he's running around naked again. The child does not live with us and it makes me very uncomfortable to say the least. Just to make sure I wasn't being upset by harmless nudity, I asked him if he walked around like that in front of female blood relatives. Predictably, he said no. When his dad asked him why he kept doing that, he said so that all the women could see how big it was (eeeeek!). How do I stop this??? Let it be known that the relationship with child's mother is tenuous at best.

[AnnieBrooke]

-- He said one of his uncles was his "thunder buddy". He said that means they do stuff like sex with girls but it's different. Then asked me if his dad was my thunder buddy. --

Sweetheart, I'd say this kid is being abused.  Did your husband hear him say this?

[Dmheiny]

He doesn't have any brothers. He does have an older cousin and a couple uncles. I definitely don't dress provocatively around him, or anyone except my husband, in private. We finally sat him down before we sent him home and had a serious talk with him and it seems at this point that maybe things will be different from now on. My husband had to threaten him with spanking though, which hopefully he won't have to follow through with. I know that what he does at his mother's doesn't apply here, I just wanted to find out if it was just innocent nudity or if he just did it around me. Besides the whole thing making me unbelievably uncomfortable, I am genuinely concerned for his well being. This seems to me also very unusual for a 7 year old to talk about his genitals this way. He also knows quite a bit about sex, which is ok I guess, except that he talks about it like a teenager. He said one of his uncles was his "thunder buddy". He said that means they do stuff like sex with girls but it's different. Then asked me if his dad was my thunder buddy. I'm at a total loss here. Sometimes I think he acts this way to make me uncomfortable, sometimes I wonder if he's being abused. Is it possible that he doesn't realize just how inappropriate it is for him to treat me (or any woman) like this?

[AnnieBrooke]

The other thing that occurred to me is that possibly someone is egging him on in this kind of behavior ("show 'em what you got, kid!" and laughing approvingly or whatever).  If that were so, and if he likes you or finds you sexy or just is trying to impress you, he might be trying the same act in hopes of getting the same reaction from you (or your husband).  If you think there is anything to this idea, then the obvious way to defuse it is to say that you care about him as always, but that kind of performance is not a good way to get attention.

[Sandman2]

   Opps, kind of miss stated that.  When I said, "What he does at his mom's house should really not affect what he does at your house."  I meant in terms of your rules about behavior.  I agree with Annie - he is learning this behavior somewhere.

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, what he does at his mom's house might affect what happens at your house, if what he does at his mom's house is watch porn with her boyfriends and hear lascivious remarks about "how big."  Do you know what does go on at his mom's?

My son is 8 and is casually naked at times, but he has just recently begun to cover up modestly with his hand if he is (for example) walking through the room to pick up some clean clothes in the laundry room.  It seems about normal to me for age 8, the hormones are starting to rise but not very much, he's not as unself-conscious as at 5 but he is not locking the bedroom door yet either.  This "all the women can see how big it is" stuff would worry me about where he has gotten his ideas such that he would even dream up such a comment. 8-year-olds don't partake in the endless male obsession over thinking women are impressed by big penises, (that myth, unfortunately, comes later).  What is he being exposed to, and by whom?

I am sorry he has directed it towards you.  I assume you have never dressed in provocative clothing around him and neither you nor your husband has made raunchy jokes, so I'd be wondering what older male he knows has put this kind of stuff into his mind.

In the meantime, he does need to know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior around the house.  You might try discussing this with a family therapist if reminders and rules are not getting through to him.

[Sandman2]

   Your house - YOUR RULES.  Put him in a short timeout everytime he runs around naked.  If he wants to run around in underwear or swim trunks, no big deal.   Oh, it is important that you and his dad agree on this.
    What he does at his mom's house should really not affect what he does at your house (he is old enough to understand the difference).  Does he have older brothers at the other house?  It does sound like somebody has had an influence on him.