TEENAGE BOY

[BUTTRFLIZES]

MY SON WILL BE 13 NEXT MONTH.  HE IS STARTING A MOUSTACHE HAS  AND IS GOING THRU ALL OUT PUBERTY.  HE IS 5'8 AND WEARS A MENS 15 SHOE.  HE IS BUILT LIKE A MAN BUT IS STILL A KID.
HE ACTS UP IN HIS SCIENCE CLASS AND IS GETTING REFERRALS.  HIS GRADES ARE HORRIBLE IN 1/2 HIS CLASSES.  WE KEEP HIM BUSY IN AFTERSCHOOL SPORTS AND PROGRAMS.  HE WANTS FOR NOTHING.
WE HAVE TAKEN EVERYTHING AWAY AS PUNISHMENT EXCEPT FOR THE SPORTS AND IT SEEMS TO BE GOING NOWHERE.  HE DOESNT CARE.
I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.  WE HAVE NEVER HAD ANY PROBLEMS WITH HIM BEFORE THIS YEAR.
ANY SUGGESTIONS?

[rebbecca]

i think his behavior is normal for his age, he is probably having a hard time dealing with his body changing and it has to be hard for him at a young age.

[lady452008]

I think that the fact that your son is so tall and has changed SO MUCH so fast for his age that he doesn't know how to deal with all that's going on inside his body.  This is the age where they all do try to find themselves, who they are for themselves and everyone that is a part of their lives.  They all want to fit in and want everyone to be happy with them including their families.  Even though their actions may tell you differently they DO CARE.  My son and I are VERY CLOSE and always have been He just turned 12 years old in Nov and started 6th grade in middle school this year.  I quit my job, because my job couldn't work with me to be home when he is.  I DEFINATELY wanted to be home to keep him on the right track.  Middle School and High School years are so much harder on the kids for this generation.  Our generation didn't have all the anxiety and depression that seems to exist today.  Before middle school started my son and I would talk about things that happen in the middle school years.  He didn't want to go to middle school, because he wanted to STAY AS HE IS and not become a bad kid.  I told him that he took the FIRST STEP.  First, he realized he COULD CHANGE.  Second, he knew he DIDN'T WANT TO CHANGE.  I told him going into middle school with that additude is the right way to go and just be aware on a daily basis of what things you might be doing that may be RIGHT or WRONG to keep you on the track you're on.  

Kids today may try to make you think they don't want or need you at all, but they all do.  Sometimes, I think it's like a test to us to see if we in fact do care enough and love them enough to be diligent and stay with them on all issue's.  Meaning, to keep trying to keep that communication going.  To continue to show APPROVAL of things that are good that they are doing in their life even if it's things that don't interest us.  My son LOVES to skate board and he LOVES to have us WATCH AND LISTEN.............to him say what all the tricks are.  Sometimes it can be very tiring to go and watch every time he wants us to see each thing that he does new.  But... it's things like this that keep the door open.  I started making the mistake of being involved in shows at night or computer stuff.  When my son goes to bed at night that's OUR TIME to be together to chat and have fun with each other in a calm setting.  Unfortunately, my son tends to get too loud and silly and my husband is sleeping, so I end up leaving his room before I plan to because we can't wake my husband.  

What my son tells me that is REALLY IMPORTANT TO HIM IS:

#1- We LISTEN to him and let him share his thoughts.  One time recently we bought new furniture and my husband and I were trying to figure out how to put everything.  My son came in and got right in the conversation, but we weren't in the mood to hear him.  This made my son feel like he and his views AS A PERSON didn't matter enough for us to listen to what he had to say.  Whereas, if this had maybe been an ADULT that entered the room we would have acted differently.  This is something kids today are trying to tell us that we AREN'T SEEING THEM AS PEOPLE OF VALUE.  

#2- We PRAISE him for all the POSITIVE THINGS he does.  If we continue to put negative energy into correcting them it back fires and we get bad results.  My son tells me when we PRAISE HIM IT MAKES HIM FEEL SO GOOD AND HAPPY INSIDE THAT IT MAKES HIM WANT TO DO MORE............THINGS THAT ARE GOOD, AND RIGHT, AND PLEASING TO US.  

As for the school issue's...  All parents EVERYWHERE that I've spoken to are ALL at a lose for this issue.  Some problems are just that the schools and the teachers aren't doing their part.  They don't let us know the start of any problems or issue's.  They let it get bad before we're called, so that we can't do our part at home first where it's suppose to start.  Commication and working together in the schools isn't happening.  I know parents that are trying so hard to do their part, but the school or the teacher isn't doing their part.  I WILL TELL YOU..........I've worked in the school systems and WE HAVE TO LISTEN TO OUR KIDS.  There are teachers in schools today THAT SHOULDN'T BE IN CLASS ROOMS.  I've seen kids being dealt with in SO MANY WRONG WAYS!!!  It basically comes to the ADULTS NOT HANDLING THINGS THE CORRECT WAY AND INNOCENT KIDS ARE BEING CORRECTED/PUNISHED and THIS IS CAUSING RESENTMENT AND ANGER......  A WHOLE LOT OF ANGER IS GOING ON IN KIDS TODAY BECAUSE THEY ARE FORCED TO BE IN THIS INVIRONMENT FOR A MAJOR PART OF THEIR EVERY DAYS.  When you are in an invironment where you feel that NOBODY REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU......AND YOU GET IN TROUBLE FOR THINGS YOU DIDN'T DO...........AND NOBODY LISTENS TO YOU........Then the attitude is to, "Hey, they "think" I am bad when I'm not and I get punished anyway I MIGHT AT WELL.......BE BAD".  Honest to God this IS HAPPENING.  Nobody is FIGHTING FOR THE KIDS.  Many people ASSUME because it's a PUBLIC SCHOOL WITH A SCHOOL BOARD AND ALL THAT THE KIDS ARE IN GOOD HANDS.  I'm so sorry to tell you they AREN'T.  

We just REALLY NEED TO TALK WITH OUR KIDS AND STAY CONNECTED AND DO ALL WE CAN TO SAY.........I DO HEAR YOU, I DO UNDERSTAND AND I'M HERE TO DO WHATEVER I CAN FOR YOU TO MAKE THINGS BETTER AND RIGHT.  

In my personal situations with my 2 kids I have found that SOMETIMES........all it takes is for the TEACHERS AND THE SCHOOL TO KNOW.........you are a VERY INVOLVED PARENT AND YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR KIDS AND YOU WON'T............PUT UP WITH YOUR KIDS BEING TREATED/HANDLED WRONG.  I have had teachers BACK OFF, because THEY REALIZED....."Hey, this Mom is on top of it all with all her information and facts, so I'm not going to mess with her".  Sad to say they then leave my child alone and move onto a VICTIM who has parents that CAN'T BE THERE AND DO what I've been able to do for my child.  Life is SO BUSY and HECTIC that our kids are getting the short end of things and this can create problems.  

My son feels stressed and overwhelmed sometimes, because of being away 8 hours a day and then having home work, sports, and his responsiblities here at home.  He continually tells me, "SCHOOL INTERFERS WITH MY LIFE"!!!  We as parents have to realize that even though WE DON'T SEE IT OR FEEL that are kids should be feeling any stress doesn't mean they don't.  Kids today are killing themselves, because of things they were feeling overwhelmed about.  We really have to let them KNOW we ARE HERE for them.  

I don't know if any of this has been helpful at all, but I certainly hope so.  I look forward to future news that is good news concerning your son.  :-)  I hope you'll write me and let me know how everything is going and I'd like to listen whenever you need someone.

Here is a thought:  You could have your son read all that I wrote and see if any of this hits home with him and it could be an open door to some helpful information for you both to be discussing.  

Hope you have yourself a WONDERFUL Weekend.  :-)