18 yr old wants to come home

[fadua]

We told our 18 yr old daughter to leave our home. she has been dating a violent boy with history of arrests. For one year she has been lying to us regularly, most of her friends are having sex, drinking, drugs and going nowhere. We were fighting constanly. Our home is so peaceful now i enjoy coming home. She has been gone for almost two weeks and it is nice here.The problem is my husband is weaking and He wants to give in. I am not ready to live the days fighting again.
Do you have any ways to make my husband stronger and more in tune to a loving home??

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

No. It isn't possible for one perso to make another person do or think anything. He's the only one who can change the way he thinks or feels. Sometimes, when our children are young adults, the best thing we can do for them is to create a situation (such as demanding they either change or leave) wherein they might see things differently and make changes in their lives. Making the decision to have a child leave our home is undoubtedly the hardest decsioni a parent can make. But sometimes it's clearly the best thing to do. I hope your husband is able to stay resolute - it will be helping, not hurting, your daughter. Hopefully she'll be able to see her life in a different light and make better choices for herself.

[dwtrekkie01]

I know just what your going through... sort of.

I'm 19 myself.  Have problems of my own.  However, my 24 year old sister is quite like your daughter.  I've been dealing with her in a parental role myself despite the age difference since I was 13, along side my mother (48).  My sister's problems likewise began at 18, and they continue into today - though no where near to the degree they once where.  I am like you - I enjoyed the brief respite while she was gone, enjoyed the peace.  Now though, she's back, because like your husband wants to, my Mother has given in - yet again.  She claims it's only to get re-paid for the $30-odd thousand dollars owed her by my sister through the upcoming sale of her house, but even after that she still will not agree to kick her out.  Instead, I'm forced to deal with her and the stress she causes just as you where with your daughter.  So I truly feel for you.

My advice would be this: women, in my experience, are master manipulators.  No insult or offense intended.  I just mean that women are typically more cunning, cerebral, and strategic compared to men who are more blunt, in-your-face, and in the open.  So, use your natural talents of manipulations on him now.  Give him the cold shoulder ever time he brings it up.  Put on the water works.  Allow him to "overhear" a conversation about how stressful you felt - one he thinks he shouldn't be hearing.  It's deceptive, it's perhaps less than ethical, but it'll likely work.