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Talented Child with inflated ego - need help
Hello,
Recently my husband and I were blessed to have his son, z- age 11, come to live with us full time. This happened because he had become too hard to handle for his mother. He is very disrespectful to him mom, and she has a 1 yr old baby on her hands as well. I had seen this coming and here's why: Her first child, T-a girl, was 9 when z was born. As we all know, 9 yr old girls love to help with babies. And over time, T became more of a mother to z. She fed him, dressed him, and even 3 years ago when I came onto the scene, T was 18 and z was 9, and I remember T saying to us that she needed to get home because she needed to make sure Z was ready for school the next day and got to bed. So, knowing that history, when their mom became pregnant with her 3rd child (1st with second husband), I began to think that z would be about 10 when the baby got here and his mom would naturally expect z to help with the baby because that is what T had done. Also, let me clarify that T was and is a very quiet child with a tendency to be at home and not out with friends much through most of her school age years. Z on the otherhand is all about friends and play- he's very social.
Z is uber talented in his chosen sport. I mean, coaches from area high schools are watching him and he's only a 6th grader. He works hard and plays hard. His step father has a tendency to live vicariously through z. He also tells z, "you hit that player and make him hurt." Z has now developed what many would call "the big head." He is so full of himself. He walks around flexing his muscles and showing them off to any and everyone who will listen. He talks about how good he is at his sport, and how he did this and he did that. He thinks he is a super star. He also has a temper that shows up and he tends to at least "act" like he would fight quite often. Although to this date he has not been in a fight yet since with us.
Now, I have taught school for 20 + years, and raised 2 children of my own. My son is a wonderful person and very talented. However, he is also very humble. My husband asks me how I did that, and there really isn't an answer. You take each thing as it comes.
So, my question is: is there anyone out there who has had experience "deflating" the "big head"? I just wanted some different ideas of things you all might think of that would help me keep his self-esteem intact, but teach this child some humility. I am planning on some community volunteer work around town, and we are in the process of looking for a church to fit our spiritual needs here. I know through God all things will work out, but I just thought I'd throw this out there and see if I could pick up some good ideas.
Thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful consideration and time,
Be blessed,
R
Recently my husband and I were blessed to have his son, z- age 11, come to live with us full time. This happened because he had become too hard to handle for his mother. He is very disrespectful to him mom, and she has a 1 yr old baby on her hands as well. I had seen this coming and here's why: Her first child, T-a girl, was 9 when z was born. As we all know, 9 yr old girls love to help with babies. And over time, T became more of a mother to z. She fed him, dressed him, and even 3 years ago when I came onto the scene, T was 18 and z was 9, and I remember T saying to us that she needed to get home because she needed to make sure Z was ready for school the next day and got to bed. So, knowing that history, when their mom became pregnant with her 3rd child (1st with second husband), I began to think that z would be about 10 when the baby got here and his mom would naturally expect z to help with the baby because that is what T had done. Also, let me clarify that T was and is a very quiet child with a tendency to be at home and not out with friends much through most of her school age years. Z on the otherhand is all about friends and play- he's very social.
Z is uber talented in his chosen sport. I mean, coaches from area high schools are watching him and he's only a 6th grader. He works hard and plays hard. His step father has a tendency to live vicariously through z. He also tells z, "you hit that player and make him hurt." Z has now developed what many would call "the big head." He is so full of himself. He walks around flexing his muscles and showing them off to any and everyone who will listen. He talks about how good he is at his sport, and how he did this and he did that. He thinks he is a super star. He also has a temper that shows up and he tends to at least "act" like he would fight quite often. Although to this date he has not been in a fight yet since with us.
Now, I have taught school for 20 + years, and raised 2 children of my own. My son is a wonderful person and very talented. However, he is also very humble. My husband asks me how I did that, and there really isn't an answer. You take each thing as it comes.
So, my question is: is there anyone out there who has had experience "deflating" the "big head"? I just wanted some different ideas of things you all might think of that would help me keep his self-esteem intact, but teach this child some humility. I am planning on some community volunteer work around town, and we are in the process of looking for a church to fit our spiritual needs here. I know through God all things will work out, but I just thought I'd throw this out there and see if I could pick up some good ideas.
Thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful consideration and time,
Be blessed,
R
I would also talk to his older sister about some ideas. Maybe she can help get through to him. It sounds like they are close.
I agree about the volunteer ideas. Between the village that is around us to help raise this child - he will be OK. Thanks for everything!
Well, I have only been involved full- time recently,but it really seemed to be starting before then. I think that being unseated as the "baby" in the family did escalate things. I think Nighthawk has a good point that volunteer work for others would help. I think everything has always come very easy to him and the things that were hard - he was allowed to quit. I believe the more time his father and I can keep him involved in activities that introduce him to the world - he will learn much. Up until now and since the baby was born, he has basically be allowed to live with a "I must play" attitude. His mom has had her hands full and when he fought against her rules - she didn't have to stamina to stand up to it. As I said originally, it has been a blessing in disquise for me to be unemployed right now... because I have all the time in the world to focus on him. :) Thank you for your ideas.
" I am planning on some community volunteer work around town, and we are in the process of looking for a church to fit our spiritual needs here" May I suggest that Z be included in volunteer work with you, maybe being kind to families that are in need of food from the food banks, as well as becoming involved in programs in the church designed for his age group. Perhaps cubs and scouts would get him into the team mind set, and not the ME or I mindset that he seems to be stuck with. My husband started his paper route when he was 11 in grade 6. Maybe a dose of the real world would give him pride in other abilities. It would allow him to think further down the road and could save a percentage of his earnings for post secondary plans. Does he do well in school, if his grades are good could he help a child with ESL, or maybe just helping a child with a little bit of tutoring. I honestly think that by getting him involved with things that are not just about him, would really help him to see that most people are not so self absorbed as he is. I wish you the very best, he is lucky to have you
This sounds like false bravado to me. I'm guessing his sport is football - and in fact, in school boys who excel in football often have true bravado. That is, they truly believe they are better than other kids and other kids (and adults they don't know) are frankly not worth their time.
Kids who are the star athletes with the "big heads" in my experience are way too cool to try to impress people. Frankly, they're bored with adults the don't know, bored with kids they don't know unless those kids also seem "cool" or are better looking than themselves - in which case they slide easily in to a familiar relationship with them, believing it's understood how very worthy they are.
What you're describing is a boy who really can't stop trying to win the approval of everyone in the room.
Was he this way before his mother became pregnant?
Kids who are the star athletes with the "big heads" in my experience are way too cool to try to impress people. Frankly, they're bored with adults the don't know, bored with kids they don't know unless those kids also seem "cool" or are better looking than themselves - in which case they slide easily in to a familiar relationship with them, believing it's understood how very worthy they are.
What you're describing is a boy who really can't stop trying to win the approval of everyone in the room.
Was he this way before his mother became pregnant?
COMMUNITY LEADER
A few quick suggestions. His coach could be a huge resource. Of course, this all depends on the coach. But a good coach will not let an inflated ego last on his team - "there is no I in team".
Second, if he is in a K-6 school, reality will hit really hard when he hits middle school. If he has just started middle school - just wait. A 6th grader walking around flexing his muscles will get noticed very quickly and usually its not to his advantage.
Next, check out the book, "love and logic" by Fay and Cline. Its a form of parenting that works very well for this age group.
Finally, give him a chance to grow. You really don't have a lot of self discipline by the time you are in 6th grade. It is something that is learned. Help him learn it. True athletes are leaders and help others. That is the goal to work for. Best wishes.
Second, if he is in a K-6 school, reality will hit really hard when he hits middle school. If he has just started middle school - just wait. A 6th grader walking around flexing his muscles will get noticed very quickly and usually its not to his advantage.
Next, check out the book, "love and logic" by Fay and Cline. Its a form of parenting that works very well for this age group.
Finally, give him a chance to grow. You really don't have a lot of self discipline by the time you are in 6th grade. It is something that is learned. Help him learn it. True athletes are leaders and help others. That is the goal to work for. Best wishes.
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