Aa
Tips for making 3 yr old feel included.
I have a 1 year old and a 3 year old.
My husband and I give our 1 year old a lot of attention because #1 he needs it and #2 he is at the stage when babies are just adorable! We do not intentionally make our daughter feel left out or that she is any less loved by us. We do try to address her needs as much as possible. However, I think that the attention that we give our 1 year old might be having an effect on her. She has been disobedient and has been very hard to handle. I realize that she's probably jealous. She seeks our attention almost constantly through the day. She no longer takes naps and she does not play on her own, not even for 5 minutes. She asks the same questions over and over again. When my husband says no to something, she then tries to ask me a second later. So my husband and I are physically and mentally exhausted with her. We do scold her for being disobedient and I know this is only gonna make matters worse but we are simply frustrated. I need tips from anyone who has gone through anything like this. How do we discipline our daughter? We send her to her room but I'm not sure if that is working. What activities or things can we do or say that will make her realize that she is included and not any less loved than her brother?
My husband and I give our 1 year old a lot of attention because #1 he needs it and #2 he is at the stage when babies are just adorable! We do not intentionally make our daughter feel left out or that she is any less loved by us. We do try to address her needs as much as possible. However, I think that the attention that we give our 1 year old might be having an effect on her. She has been disobedient and has been very hard to handle. I realize that she's probably jealous. She seeks our attention almost constantly through the day. She no longer takes naps and she does not play on her own, not even for 5 minutes. She asks the same questions over and over again. When my husband says no to something, she then tries to ask me a second later. So my husband and I are physically and mentally exhausted with her. We do scold her for being disobedient and I know this is only gonna make matters worse but we are simply frustrated. I need tips from anyone who has gone through anything like this. How do we discipline our daughter? We send her to her room but I'm not sure if that is working. What activities or things can we do or say that will make her realize that she is included and not any less loved than her brother?
I also have two children they are 20 months aprt--and yes the second does seem to take up more time when they are little. But you really do need to have a quality night out or day activity with your daughter to make her sense that she is just as special as her brother. My hubby and I do this about once a month we each take one child to a special activity that is age appropriate. My little guy is 2 1/2 and not ready for the movie theater yet so he gets to go to the ice cream store and the park with one of us wihile big brother goes to the movies. It does seem to help make them seem more carfree when they get the alone time--also helps us relax with only to have to give our attention to one child at a time.
Three is also a very hard age--I said terrible two's were nothing it is the rotten threes. My sweet boy seemed to change overnight--I am hoping it doesn't happen with my second when he turns three in Sept.
I wish you luck finding the guidance you need for your family.
Three is also a very hard age--I said terrible two's were nothing it is the rotten threes. My sweet boy seemed to change overnight--I am hoping it doesn't happen with my second when he turns three in Sept.
I wish you luck finding the guidance you need for your family.
I'm sorry too, I guess I just got a little emotional. I should know better, thoughts and suggestions in written form can be easily misinterpreted. No worries...
Thank you for your response! I actually printed it out so that I can refer to it and show it to my husband. (lol)
I didn't think any other child whined as much as my daughter. A lot of it was caused by her grandfather. He cared for her the first 2 years of her life. He loved her and was great with her but he spoiled her and did not set boundaries. My husband and I don't allow her to whine and she has improved.
The playing on her own is still a struggle. Before my son was born, I spent a lot of time playing with her. However, as every mom knows, having a new baby is exhausting. My son still keeps me up some nights so obviously I am physically exhausted and have no energy to play bubbles with her. I have also been experiencing some health problems. I will definitely try your method and see if it works.
As far as disciplining is concerned, I agree with you, we usually don't let my daughter get away with anything. But I think the problem with my husband and I is that we've both been physically exhausted and stressed out, that we lose our temper more easily. THIS, I KNOW, IS SOMETHING WE BOTH NEED TO WORK ON. NO EXCUSES!
Overall, she is a good kid. No complaints from her pre school teacher (she attends 3 days a week). I know that it will get easier as my kids get older and become more independent. However, I don't agree with Rocky Rose that one child necessarily has to get all the attention and the other gets the scraps. At least that's not how it is in my household or my sisters' and brothers' and it will never be that way. My son is very adorable right now as is any baby this age. We were the same way about my daughter when she was 1. However, we try our best to not display our affections towards the baby in front of her. It does come out at times when he's doing something cute. I'm sure she does sense it AND THAT IS MY PROBLEM. I will never choose one child over the other or give more attention to the other and I don't really appreciate the implication that Rocky Rose made in her post (if that was her intention, if not, sorry). Maybe it came off that way in my question.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate your understanding my situation.
I didn't think any other child whined as much as my daughter. A lot of it was caused by her grandfather. He cared for her the first 2 years of her life. He loved her and was great with her but he spoiled her and did not set boundaries. My husband and I don't allow her to whine and she has improved.
The playing on her own is still a struggle. Before my son was born, I spent a lot of time playing with her. However, as every mom knows, having a new baby is exhausting. My son still keeps me up some nights so obviously I am physically exhausted and have no energy to play bubbles with her. I have also been experiencing some health problems. I will definitely try your method and see if it works.
As far as disciplining is concerned, I agree with you, we usually don't let my daughter get away with anything. But I think the problem with my husband and I is that we've both been physically exhausted and stressed out, that we lose our temper more easily. THIS, I KNOW, IS SOMETHING WE BOTH NEED TO WORK ON. NO EXCUSES!
Overall, she is a good kid. No complaints from her pre school teacher (she attends 3 days a week). I know that it will get easier as my kids get older and become more independent. However, I don't agree with Rocky Rose that one child necessarily has to get all the attention and the other gets the scraps. At least that's not how it is in my household or my sisters' and brothers' and it will never be that way. My son is very adorable right now as is any baby this age. We were the same way about my daughter when she was 1. However, we try our best to not display our affections towards the baby in front of her. It does come out at times when he's doing something cute. I'm sure she does sense it AND THAT IS MY PROBLEM. I will never choose one child over the other or give more attention to the other and I don't really appreciate the implication that Rocky Rose made in her post (if that was her intention, if not, sorry). Maybe it came off that way in my question.
Anyway, thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate your understanding my situation.
Oh, thanks so much! I try and work really hard to be a good momma, and the only way I know I might be succeeding is by seeing my son succeed in his social environments and me getting compliments like yours.
Being a parent still kinda scares me because I *really* don't want to mess up anything for my son!
Thanks again! :-)
Being a parent still kinda scares me because I *really* don't want to mess up anything for my son!
Thanks again! :-)
i was gonna respond with a few tips, but you did a wonderful job covering it! sounds like your son is lucky to have such a strong, level-headed mom. you described the kind of mom i hope to be.
Raine - I didn't mean to be insulting. I've just never seen a family who gives more attention, and wants to give more attention to the second child than the first. It's always been a struggle in my life to give my second and third sons the attention I gave the first - and I've had to cover it up and "make up" stuff in the baby books, because not only do I not remember when they stopped using a sippy cup, frankly I honestly don't care. The things I cared about, with my first, made us all a little neurotic, and the amount of emotional and physical energy I put into him is 10s of times what th others got. Which probably, actually, is much better for them. I didn't lose sleep praying to God my second and third sons got this or that preschool teacher.
It isn't that I love any of them more or less, it's the amount of energy spent on the one first one that is much, much more than the others. Irma Bombeck had a joke - her first child was born June 4, 1959 at 2:03 a.m., the second was born Oct. 3, 1964 and the third was born the year the grocery store burned down. ;D I love that, that's me.
I didn't mean to seem insulting. It's just that when I get together with mothers, we all say the same thing - it's amazing how relaxed, and actually preoccupied we were when our second and third kids came, and how if they were happy and healthy that was good enough - no great angsts over whether they made the 8 year old select soccer team, no push push push to make sure they were reading before kindergarten.
It isn't that I love any of them more or less, it's the amount of energy spent on the one first one that is much, much more than the others. Irma Bombeck had a joke - her first child was born June 4, 1959 at 2:03 a.m., the second was born Oct. 3, 1964 and the third was born the year the grocery store burned down. ;D I love that, that's me.
I didn't mean to seem insulting. It's just that when I get together with mothers, we all say the same thing - it's amazing how relaxed, and actually preoccupied we were when our second and third kids came, and how if they were happy and healthy that was good enough - no great angsts over whether they made the 8 year old select soccer team, no push push push to make sure they were reading before kindergarten.
I have a 2.5 y.o. son that is the *exact* same way about asking questions repeatedly and, for a while, refused to play on his own when he was with me. And he's an only child!
I've gotten a lot of his clinginess issues under control now, and I'm still working on his repetitiveness, which is almost always accompanied with the most irritating whiney speech. I really think his "issues" had to do with moving into a new home where it was just me and him, and with the demands of a house and career, he no longer got undivided attention at all times (before moving, we lived with my mom and my 12 y.o. sister, so someone was always around to entertain him).
It took about a month for him to show significant improvement, but here's how I handled it:
- I set firm boundaries for whining (still an issue, but improving). He is not allowed to ask me anything or talk to me if whining. I tell him, "Trevor, stop right there. How can you ask/tell me like a big boy?" If he still whines, I don't respond. If he throws a fit b/c I don't respond, he goes to time out in his room so I don't have to listen to him. After two minutes, he's almost always ready to communicate better.
- I set him up with activities I knew he would enjoy (Hot Wheels, coloring, plastic dinosaurs) in the room with me so he could play, but still be next to me while I was cooking, doing dishes, laundry, etc. I'd pay extra attention to the time spans where he *would not* interact with me, but rather be in his own world. It was very limited at first (maybe a minute or two), but began extending into 10 min., then 15, and so on. As the time spans got longer, about every 5-10 minutes I'd say, "Trevor, you're playing so nicely! Are you having fun? What's going on with your toys?" By praising his independance, but also showing that I was still interested in what he was doing, he has gotten to the point where he can play by himself for about 1.5-2 hours now, and in a separate room.
- I always make time for a special event for us every day, where he gets my attention 100%. Going for a walk together, going to a park, watching a movie, reading an extra story at bedtime, or rough-housing and tickle fights.
- For discipline, call me extreme, but I don't let him get away with *anything.* I discipline him at the moment he starts to act up and I don't wait for him to end up in full-blown, bad behavior before doing something about it. My son gets one warning, maybe two if he's lucky, and that's it. Then it's time out or a spanking. In public, he usually gets two warnings, and if he still continues to disobey, I tell him he will be punished when we get home. He always remembers when we get home, too. One time he even reminded me, then went right to time out without me even asking. But I always follow through. I almost never scold him, because I don't give him the chance to get out of control. When he starts up, I firmly give him his warning, and that's that. He either stops or gets disciplined--he decides and I don't lose my cool. He's one of the best behaved kids in his preschool (his teachers have told me this) and gets compliments on his good and obedient behavior from people all the time.
- My son's dad and I always make sure we're on the same page. If Trevor asks one of us for something, and the answer is no, then he goes to the other one and asks, we check with each other before we give an answer if we know he asked the other parent first. It takes a lot of teamwork, and sometimes fails, but in general, we do pretty well. And we back each other up for discipline issues, even if we might disagree. We don't undermine each other's authority or discipline, but if we have a problem, we talk about it when Trevor is not around.
Stay patient and understanding with your daughter, and stay firm and consistent in your authority. I don't have two children, so I can't relate to the issue on that level, but I can tell you that I have experience with the clingy, repetitive, whiney behavior.
I think the key issue for you is to let her know that her interests are important to you, and that you still make special time only for her. I'm sure she just wants assurance that her uniqueness and interests are worth your individual time every now and then.
Hope this helps a little. Good luck to you.
I've gotten a lot of his clinginess issues under control now, and I'm still working on his repetitiveness, which is almost always accompanied with the most irritating whiney speech. I really think his "issues" had to do with moving into a new home where it was just me and him, and with the demands of a house and career, he no longer got undivided attention at all times (before moving, we lived with my mom and my 12 y.o. sister, so someone was always around to entertain him).
It took about a month for him to show significant improvement, but here's how I handled it:
- I set firm boundaries for whining (still an issue, but improving). He is not allowed to ask me anything or talk to me if whining. I tell him, "Trevor, stop right there. How can you ask/tell me like a big boy?" If he still whines, I don't respond. If he throws a fit b/c I don't respond, he goes to time out in his room so I don't have to listen to him. After two minutes, he's almost always ready to communicate better.
- I set him up with activities I knew he would enjoy (Hot Wheels, coloring, plastic dinosaurs) in the room with me so he could play, but still be next to me while I was cooking, doing dishes, laundry, etc. I'd pay extra attention to the time spans where he *would not* interact with me, but rather be in his own world. It was very limited at first (maybe a minute or two), but began extending into 10 min., then 15, and so on. As the time spans got longer, about every 5-10 minutes I'd say, "Trevor, you're playing so nicely! Are you having fun? What's going on with your toys?" By praising his independance, but also showing that I was still interested in what he was doing, he has gotten to the point where he can play by himself for about 1.5-2 hours now, and in a separate room.
- I always make time for a special event for us every day, where he gets my attention 100%. Going for a walk together, going to a park, watching a movie, reading an extra story at bedtime, or rough-housing and tickle fights.
- For discipline, call me extreme, but I don't let him get away with *anything.* I discipline him at the moment he starts to act up and I don't wait for him to end up in full-blown, bad behavior before doing something about it. My son gets one warning, maybe two if he's lucky, and that's it. Then it's time out or a spanking. In public, he usually gets two warnings, and if he still continues to disobey, I tell him he will be punished when we get home. He always remembers when we get home, too. One time he even reminded me, then went right to time out without me even asking. But I always follow through. I almost never scold him, because I don't give him the chance to get out of control. When he starts up, I firmly give him his warning, and that's that. He either stops or gets disciplined--he decides and I don't lose my cool. He's one of the best behaved kids in his preschool (his teachers have told me this) and gets compliments on his good and obedient behavior from people all the time.
- My son's dad and I always make sure we're on the same page. If Trevor asks one of us for something, and the answer is no, then he goes to the other one and asks, we check with each other before we give an answer if we know he asked the other parent first. It takes a lot of teamwork, and sometimes fails, but in general, we do pretty well. And we back each other up for discipline issues, even if we might disagree. We don't undermine each other's authority or discipline, but if we have a problem, we talk about it when Trevor is not around.
Stay patient and understanding with your daughter, and stay firm and consistent in your authority. I don't have two children, so I can't relate to the issue on that level, but I can tell you that I have experience with the clingy, repetitive, whiney behavior.
I think the key issue for you is to let her know that her interests are important to you, and that you still make special time only for her. I'm sure she just wants assurance that her uniqueness and interests are worth your individual time every now and then.
Hope this helps a little. Good luck to you.
raine, your situation is kind of unusual. Usually the first born gets the lions share of the attention all her life - except in the case of broken famillies or if a child in the household has a disability that requires a lot of extra time.
That's why first borns have a much higher rate of great success, and leadership positions - they get all the parent's attention, and siblings down the road have to take the leftover scraps. It's kind of a concern that you do seem to admit you give the baby a lot more attention, partly because he's so adorable. WOW. She must sense that!
Could you have a specific night a week that's just a "girl's night", for you and she to go do fun stuff of her choosing, or a "daddy's night" for her to go do stuff with just her - just things the big girl can do, that aren't appropriate for the baby?
That's why first borns have a much higher rate of great success, and leadership positions - they get all the parent's attention, and siblings down the road have to take the leftover scraps. It's kind of a concern that you do seem to admit you give the baby a lot more attention, partly because he's so adorable. WOW. She must sense that!
Could you have a specific night a week that's just a "girl's night", for you and she to go do fun stuff of her choosing, or a "daddy's night" for her to go do stuff with just her - just things the big girl can do, that aren't appropriate for the baby?
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