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**URGENT** Please Help! Big, Big Issues With My Niece
Ohh my 11 year old niece, she has a lot of..well, issues. So I'm going to just use one post, instead of filling the whole board with her.
Background Info:
My niece is 11 years old, turning 12 in December. She is very intelligent, and mature. Her name is Casey.
Issues:
1.) Casey says when she gets really mad or sad, she thinks about killing herself. Not actually the deed itself, she told me she thinks about who would care if she killed herself/if she died and who would cry if she died, and what she would say in a note she'd leave if she killed herself. Here's what I remember of what she said the note would say once when she got mad at her mom.
"Dear Family,
I can't take this anymore. Everyone just pisses me off and everyone hates me. Don't cry, don't mourn me, I want my life to be celebrated. Mom, this is happening because of you. Don't try to let ANYONE tell you that it's not your fault that I'm killing myself, because it is. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise because it absolutely is.
F*** You all,
Casey"
She also says that when she gets angry/sad/upset she thinks about killing herself (the actual deed itself), but she says that she just waits until she's no longer mad and then the feeling passes. I'm scared if she gets too mad one day she'll not think it over or wait until she's calm and she'll do it.
This worries me. A lot. What do I do about this?
2.) She has deep, deep trust issues with her father. She said that when he went out to the woods with her grandpa (her mother's father), she felt like he had killed her grandpa because he didn't like him, and her grandpa hadn't answered his cell phone. They both returned fine, but I'm worried about her thinking her father would do something like this. She told me she had seen his computer history which contained pornographic websites like "how to have sex with someone in a wheelchair" and her grandma is in a wheelchair (it's her mother's mother) and she was scared that her dad had sexual feelings toward her grandma. Casey said her dad yells a lot and always talks to her trying to make her feel guilty or something. Here's a chunk of a conversation she told me.
Dad: Do you not like me anymore? I don't think you like me.
Casey: Dad, I do like you.
Dad: You never hang out with me, and you never talk to me unless I talk to you first.
She doesn't actually like her dad, but she's afraid he might hurt her if she says otherwise.
I know her father really well, and he would NEVER hurt her.
This worries me that she can't trust her own father.
3.) Casey's brother beats on her and constantly uses VERY cruel language against her. She's a big Justin Bieber fan, and if she listens to his music around her 13yr. old brother, he says "Stop listening to Justin FagBoy" and he starts punching her in the arms and back. He mocks her weight (when she is not even heavy set) and he calls her pimples, even though she has clear skin. He constantly calls her lesbian, fat a**, fat f***, dumba**, and an assortment of other names. Over her room is a small opening, and if she doesn't open her door when her brother knocks, he starts trying to open the door with a paint chipper, and he throws things over the opening (hammers, screws, big books, cans of Febreze, Pledge, etc.) and tries to hit her with them. She hates her brother. He also mocks everything she says. If she said "Hey, can you give me a napkin?" he would mock that and say it in a strange voice, mocking her.
This worries me very much.
4.) She's in a big rush to have her first kiss. She always talks about how she likes different guys and she'll "date" them and as soon as she starts dating them, she says "He's the one who's going to be my first kiss.". Then they break up, and she's crushed. She hasn't kissed anyone yet.
5.) She's very rough. When she's with kids, and they insult her, no matter who it is, she hits them....HARD. She gets very carried away and if someone were to say "Shut up, Casey." She would grab them by their neck and throw them to the ground. She's VERY strong and she hurts people when they make the slightest comment about her that is negative. How can she control this anger? She says its mainly her just teasing and playing around/joking but she's very...serious and rough about it.
Casey just has all of these issues and it seems like a whole lot of things for a 12 year old girl to have to worry about. It's VERY hard on her, and I'd like to help her. I'm just not sure how. Can anyone help?
Background Info:
My niece is 11 years old, turning 12 in December. She is very intelligent, and mature. Her name is Casey.
Issues:
1.) Casey says when she gets really mad or sad, she thinks about killing herself. Not actually the deed itself, she told me she thinks about who would care if she killed herself/if she died and who would cry if she died, and what she would say in a note she'd leave if she killed herself. Here's what I remember of what she said the note would say once when she got mad at her mom.
"Dear Family,
I can't take this anymore. Everyone just pisses me off and everyone hates me. Don't cry, don't mourn me, I want my life to be celebrated. Mom, this is happening because of you. Don't try to let ANYONE tell you that it's not your fault that I'm killing myself, because it is. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise because it absolutely is.
F*** You all,
Casey"
She also says that when she gets angry/sad/upset she thinks about killing herself (the actual deed itself), but she says that she just waits until she's no longer mad and then the feeling passes. I'm scared if she gets too mad one day she'll not think it over or wait until she's calm and she'll do it.
This worries me. A lot. What do I do about this?
2.) She has deep, deep trust issues with her father. She said that when he went out to the woods with her grandpa (her mother's father), she felt like he had killed her grandpa because he didn't like him, and her grandpa hadn't answered his cell phone. They both returned fine, but I'm worried about her thinking her father would do something like this. She told me she had seen his computer history which contained pornographic websites like "how to have sex with someone in a wheelchair" and her grandma is in a wheelchair (it's her mother's mother) and she was scared that her dad had sexual feelings toward her grandma. Casey said her dad yells a lot and always talks to her trying to make her feel guilty or something. Here's a chunk of a conversation she told me.
Dad: Do you not like me anymore? I don't think you like me.
Casey: Dad, I do like you.
Dad: You never hang out with me, and you never talk to me unless I talk to you first.
She doesn't actually like her dad, but she's afraid he might hurt her if she says otherwise.
I know her father really well, and he would NEVER hurt her.
This worries me that she can't trust her own father.
3.) Casey's brother beats on her and constantly uses VERY cruel language against her. She's a big Justin Bieber fan, and if she listens to his music around her 13yr. old brother, he says "Stop listening to Justin FagBoy" and he starts punching her in the arms and back. He mocks her weight (when she is not even heavy set) and he calls her pimples, even though she has clear skin. He constantly calls her lesbian, fat a**, fat f***, dumba**, and an assortment of other names. Over her room is a small opening, and if she doesn't open her door when her brother knocks, he starts trying to open the door with a paint chipper, and he throws things over the opening (hammers, screws, big books, cans of Febreze, Pledge, etc.) and tries to hit her with them. She hates her brother. He also mocks everything she says. If she said "Hey, can you give me a napkin?" he would mock that and say it in a strange voice, mocking her.
This worries me very much.
4.) She's in a big rush to have her first kiss. She always talks about how she likes different guys and she'll "date" them and as soon as she starts dating them, she says "He's the one who's going to be my first kiss.". Then they break up, and she's crushed. She hasn't kissed anyone yet.
5.) She's very rough. When she's with kids, and they insult her, no matter who it is, she hits them....HARD. She gets very carried away and if someone were to say "Shut up, Casey." She would grab them by their neck and throw them to the ground. She's VERY strong and she hurts people when they make the slightest comment about her that is negative. How can she control this anger? She says its mainly her just teasing and playing around/joking but she's very...serious and rough about it.
Casey just has all of these issues and it seems like a whole lot of things for a 12 year old girl to have to worry about. It's VERY hard on her, and I'd like to help her. I'm just not sure how. Can anyone help?
Best Answer
Your niece is crying out for attention, and is harboring a lot of anger. It appears the anger is directed at her mom, and she fears her dad, there is a reason for this. How does her mom treat her, and why is her brother allowed to pick on her like he does? It appears nobody is watching these kids and it's a free for all! You can get a good start with helping your niece by just hanging out with her and getting her to talk. She needs to know that someone is on her side and cares about her, I think she feels very much alone. But she needs professional help, and it appears you may be her only hope here! Have you tried speaking with her mom about getting her help? If so what was her reaction? You could call the school and ask them to get involved. Your niece is heading into a deep, black hole and someone has to find out "why" she feels as she does. It sounds like her brother has issues as well, I think this whole family dynamic needs to be evaluated. If you could tell us more about the family and their interaction it would help. But your niece definitely needs help, she is carrying aroung way too much anger and fear for a 12 year old. I think it's wonderful that you care enough to see the problem and want to help her. If push comes to shove, you can annonymously get CPS involved. Keep us posted and take care.
Well that wouldn't be my biggest worry, but without intervention she could certainly have a troubled life. she needs help. I agree with those who say that the parents seem absent as far as being parental figures and that you should anonymously get CPS involved. this child needs help, and if her parents are blind enough that her brother is able to physically abuse her (not to MENTION the emotional abuse!) that way....it's time to go above their heads.
However, since you seem unwilling to do this, convince her mother that she needs counseling. do whatever it takes...break her trust and admit that Casey is suicidal. Sometimes it takes that. I was suicidal as a teenager and I told ONE friend goodbye....and as I was in my room writing a farewell note and getting a razor ready, my parents came barging in and told me that my ONE goodbye had told her mom, who had then called my parents.....But I didn't repeatedly threaten it and then not do it, that SCREAMS for attention...which she seems desperately lacking. My point is, though, that if my friend hadn't broken my trust I would most likely be gone. my parents would not have come into the room until the next morning; too late. So sometimes you have to break trust to save someone and if she's this desperately depressed and twisted up inside...you may need to take some steps. If you want to remain her "safety net" so that she doesn't turn away from confiding in you, this sounds dishonest, but take her diary and leave it out where her mom can see it...where she can't miss it. she'll never know who showed her mom, her mom may never even figure it out...but once her mom sees the suicide messages either she takes action or you get CPS involved to take action for her.
btw her "obsession" with murder stories may be genuine, but it's more likely the cry for recognition from authority figures in her life that she's a rebel. it's a typical "troubled teen" move.
However, since you seem unwilling to do this, convince her mother that she needs counseling. do whatever it takes...break her trust and admit that Casey is suicidal. Sometimes it takes that. I was suicidal as a teenager and I told ONE friend goodbye....and as I was in my room writing a farewell note and getting a razor ready, my parents came barging in and told me that my ONE goodbye had told her mom, who had then called my parents.....But I didn't repeatedly threaten it and then not do it, that SCREAMS for attention...which she seems desperately lacking. My point is, though, that if my friend hadn't broken my trust I would most likely be gone. my parents would not have come into the room until the next morning; too late. So sometimes you have to break trust to save someone and if she's this desperately depressed and twisted up inside...you may need to take some steps. If you want to remain her "safety net" so that she doesn't turn away from confiding in you, this sounds dishonest, but take her diary and leave it out where her mom can see it...where she can't miss it. she'll never know who showed her mom, her mom may never even figure it out...but once her mom sees the suicide messages either she takes action or you get CPS involved to take action for her.
btw her "obsession" with murder stories may be genuine, but it's more likely the cry for recognition from authority figures in her life that she's a rebel. it's a typical "troubled teen" move.
I'm mainly worried because, after seeing many televisions shows and looking into this, she fits the typical background of children who grow up to be murderers.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I probably could have worded that better when I said a "bit of a drama" queen. In my opinion when you are the youngest kid in the house and are smart, you use your resources to get things go more your way. So I think she is using her communication skills and intelligence to make a situation that doesn't really sound like the best for her - into something more to her liking. Pretty understandable really.
If you're referring to her being a drama queen because of the suicide thing, I forgot to mention I only discovered that because I read her diary one day, then saw that, then confronted her about it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, I commend you for wanting to do something, and I can certainly understand why you would want to. The problem is that Casey is a product of her environment. She is being shaped by the ones around her, and until she is mature enough to make her own decisions - things won't change much. I do think that she is a bit of a drama queen and probably says things to get peoples attention. In my own opinion, about all you can do is model good behavior and pay attention to her. It would probably be good for her to get involved in any kind of activity (sports, volunteer work, school activities) that would get her out of the house and into a different world. Maybe that is something that if you have any ideas, you could suggest to her mom. Best wishes.
Well, she's in 6th grade. She used to be the sweetest girl in the whole world until she turned 9. I know she hangs out with good kids, but she is starting to be very foul mouthed and rough. She has excellent grades, all A's. Her grades have never slipped up once. I haven't asked her mother about getting help. She's rough at school, mainly. She doesn't try to hit her brother back because she knows that he is stronger than her. I know her mother screams a lot, but has never hit her. Casey and her brother are supervised, but her brother will hit her right in front of me. I have told him to stop, his parents have, and they have taken privelages, and everything they tried hasn't worked. He tries to say Casey is the instigator, but I have stood back (they didn't know I was there) and watched on multiple occasions, and she has never started the fight. Her whole family situation is pretty...eh. Casey seems like she has needed to act adult from a very young age, and its taking a toll on her.
Her father yells a lot, and Casey has told me that she is uncomfortable around him, because when she walks by him, he smacks her butt (like a father would playfully do with a young child) and she hates it. He also rubs her back (high up, not really low) and she said she feels like he does it right where her bra strap is. When they ride in the car, he puts his hand on her knee (again, not near any privates) but she hates that too. She also thinks her dad might be cheating on her mom. But she has deep trust issues with any men. She hates being near men who are strangers because she thinks they might rape her or murder her. She watches a lot of horror movies, and shows about murder and she reads about murder/rapes like JonBenet Ramsey's case. Her mother doesn't approve of this, but she does nothing about it.
Her mom yells a lot and slams things (doors, when she picks things up and sets them somewhere, she slams them). Her mother is 52 years old, and she never used to be like this. I feel she's being like this because she's going through "the change" (periods ending, biological clock up, etc.) Casey's mom (my sister) cusses a lot, as does her father.
Her grandma (my mom) lives with the family and she is really nice, and is very religious. She's putting Casey through Catholic Bible Classes (called CCD or PSR) and Casey hates that. She was baptized Catholic, but she doesn't think she really wants to be Catholic.
Her grandpa (my dad) lives with her too. Casey loves her grandpa more than anyone but her mother doesn't really like her dad because she thinks he's an annoying a**hole with a huge ego.
Then there's Casey's brother, but you know about him. She has another brother too, and he fills Casey's head with a lot of...well...crap. He tells her that she needs to defend herself with her fists, because "words don't do sh**". He also tells her that she can mouth off to teachers because it's her freedom of speach, and he gave her a mini-constitution to carry around so she can show people if they call her on it. He's also bisexual, and seems to try to make Casey one, talking about how if she's into women, it's ok to be with them. Casey is straight though. Her brother is 26, I should add. He's also a furry and tells Casey she should be one. I'm aware of what a furry is, but Casey (except for the bisexual thing) follows everything her brother says because she feels she can tell him anything but he fills her head with crap. He's violent with others, and curses a lot.
I know Casey isn't abused. I don't think CPS needs involved, I think Casey needs me or a therapist to help her get her issues resolved. I'm just not sure what to do really.
Her father yells a lot, and Casey has told me that she is uncomfortable around him, because when she walks by him, he smacks her butt (like a father would playfully do with a young child) and she hates it. He also rubs her back (high up, not really low) and she said she feels like he does it right where her bra strap is. When they ride in the car, he puts his hand on her knee (again, not near any privates) but she hates that too. She also thinks her dad might be cheating on her mom. But she has deep trust issues with any men. She hates being near men who are strangers because she thinks they might rape her or murder her. She watches a lot of horror movies, and shows about murder and she reads about murder/rapes like JonBenet Ramsey's case. Her mother doesn't approve of this, but she does nothing about it.
Her mom yells a lot and slams things (doors, when she picks things up and sets them somewhere, she slams them). Her mother is 52 years old, and she never used to be like this. I feel she's being like this because she's going through "the change" (periods ending, biological clock up, etc.) Casey's mom (my sister) cusses a lot, as does her father.
Her grandma (my mom) lives with the family and she is really nice, and is very religious. She's putting Casey through Catholic Bible Classes (called CCD or PSR) and Casey hates that. She was baptized Catholic, but she doesn't think she really wants to be Catholic.
Her grandpa (my dad) lives with her too. Casey loves her grandpa more than anyone but her mother doesn't really like her dad because she thinks he's an annoying a**hole with a huge ego.
Then there's Casey's brother, but you know about him. She has another brother too, and he fills Casey's head with a lot of...well...crap. He tells her that she needs to defend herself with her fists, because "words don't do sh**". He also tells her that she can mouth off to teachers because it's her freedom of speach, and he gave her a mini-constitution to carry around so she can show people if they call her on it. He's also bisexual, and seems to try to make Casey one, talking about how if she's into women, it's ok to be with them. Casey is straight though. Her brother is 26, I should add. He's also a furry and tells Casey she should be one. I'm aware of what a furry is, but Casey (except for the bisexual thing) follows everything her brother says because she feels she can tell him anything but he fills her head with crap. He's violent with others, and curses a lot.
I know Casey isn't abused. I don't think CPS needs involved, I think Casey needs me or a therapist to help her get her issues resolved. I'm just not sure what to do really.
Sounds like she's looking for attention. This kid needs it too. She probably feels so bad because her brother sounds like he's a big problem. I'd get the kid some help.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, it certainly sounds like she is into attention getting! The question is - does this go on only at home or also in school. I would think that the roughness that you talk about would certainly translate into problems at school. Speaking of school, what grade is she in?
Now no matter where this is going on, it is cause for concern. However, if it is only happening at home, it means that she is able to control her self. It these problems are happening at both school and home, it is even more serious. So we need to know how things are going at school. How are her grades? Are they starting slip? How are her citizenship grades?
Her brother is a whole different story. You are letting him bully her. That has to stop. You need rules of respect in the house and instant, consistent consequences if they are broken.
Now no matter where this is going on, it is cause for concern. However, if it is only happening at home, it means that she is able to control her self. It these problems are happening at both school and home, it is even more serious. So we need to know how things are going at school. How are her grades? Are they starting slip? How are her citizenship grades?
Her brother is a whole different story. You are letting him bully her. That has to stop. You need rules of respect in the house and instant, consistent consequences if they are broken.
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