Unbelieveable behavior

[MAVA]

My 5 1/2 year old daughter surely has a problem.  She can be the most loveable child sometimes.  You can hardly believe that a child could be so sweet.  She loves to help do anything.  She prides herself on being a good helper.
   Then, on the flip-side, she is impossible to deal with.  She can be spanked, put in time-out, restrained from playing with the neighbor friends.  You can talk really sweet to her, be hateful, be calm, yell, ignore, everything-------nothing works!!
I also have a 12 year old daughter.  She is so unhappy sometimes
because of my 5 year old.  I'm afraid she's going to get depressed.  She is a very smart girl.  Good grades.  Very intelligent, very mature, very responsible, and right now, very unhappy.  She says that the younger one gets away with everything and she's just about right.  Only because I don't know how to deal with this situation.  It doesn't help to spank my little one.  Sometimes she just laughs at me.  She spits, kicks, hits, calls names, slams doors and prowls in her sister's
belongings. I am really at the bottom of my rope.  Can you please help me and the rest of my family?

[P.__]

Wow, does this sound like the same problem I'm having.  I have a daughter 8 and one 15.  The 8 year old has the same problem as your 5 year old.  I went to the pediatrician and she handed me a pamplet on spoiled children.  Wow, that really helped, not.  I have yet to find a solution.  My older daughter has learned to deal with her younger sister most of the time.  I have noticed that the children that my younger daughter plays with seem to be mean compaired to when my older daughter was that age.  I don't know if its because the younger one's have so much compaired to what my older daughter had at that age.  I guess my pediatrician may have been right about the spoiled part somehow.  I know I need to have more patience with my younger daughter.  Sometimes she'll come home from school in such a bad mood and I just sit wondering how can I fix this problem.  There has to be some solution out there that will help, its just knowing what solution will solve the crisis for that moment.  I know my daughter can be a sweet girl.  I often wonder if this is something she is doing on purpose or if its something she just can't control.

[Theresa]

The eldest daughter needs to know exactly what is going on.  I have a similiar situation with my eldest(15) and my youngest(8).The eldest feels that she is always shorted because most attention is paid to the needs of the youngest.  I sat down with my eldest and explained what the problem was and asked her for suggestions as she is closer to that age.  Although none of what she suggested helped me, it did help her knowing that i knew she was there and that i turned to her because i value her and her opinion.  I explained that if she was ever frustrated by lack of attention to come to me, not be depressed.  I would make dates for shopping, or whatever she wanted to do to avoid a problem with the youngest and it worked.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

Dear Mava,

Have you sought professional help for your daughter? If so, what guidance have you received? Have you discussed her behavior with her pediatrician?

Any number of possibilities can explain why a child might act the way your daughter does. She might display a Mood Disorder, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (unlikely), Metabolic/Nutritional Imbalances. It's impossible to know.

What is clear is that consultation with a pediatric mental health professional is in order, to help clarify the diagnostic picture and develop a plan for intervention. Sometimes, when it's pretty clear that the situation involves a normal spectrum child behavioral problem, plain guidance about behavior management will suffice. But it sounds like your situation is beyond that.

However, it would not hurt at all to examine some information about behavior management. All you need to do is utilize the SEARCH function in this Forum, and investigate topics such as Behavior, Parenting, Discipline, Time Out, and you will see examples of situations similar to yours in some respects.

But please don't let this substitute for seeking professional clinical help.