What can I do? Son is driving me insane

[boop1973]

I have a 12 year old son who is dignosed bi polar add/adhd odd with major aggresion issues.  I have struggled with this since he was three, he has been in and out of hospitals for behaviors the last two released him back home to me becasue he would not respond to treatment.  I am at my end.  I fear I am going to snap and hurt him.  He refuses to do a thing he is told, he even refuses to go to the bathroom (poop).  I have gotten to the point I do not want to be around him, do anything for him.  I have had to change jobs to take care of him and now can only work 2 days a week.  This is getting ready to end as well due to him not listening to my fiance who is my only support.  I shake all the time from the stress and choas he likes to live in.  I feel like I am walking on eggshells.  I am afraid if something does not change I am going to seriously hurt him or myself.  Please help.  

[benjimom]

I will have to check out that book about stop walking on eggshells, I felt that way when I lived with now ex spouse who is an alcoholic and also bipolar. It was tough.  If there was any break in balance, things got bad FAST.

I'm sorry you are going thru this and it does not sounds like you have a lot of support.  Is there any way you could go to a support group or go to a counselor yourself.  Also, he is almost a teenagar and that is a difficult age anyhow.  I just want to find some ways to alleviate your stress.  It's hard raising normal kids, much less one with special needs and mental health issues. I know how hard it was with my ex-spouse.  

Sounds like your son has a multitude of issues to work through.

[jdtm]

I'm wondering if the original diagnosis of "bi polar add/adhd odd with major aggresion" is wrong.  I do know that many mental health professionals will use this (or a similar diagnosis) for children under the age of 18.  This is due to the fact that some mental health personality disorders cannot be "legally diagnosed" until adulthood.  One of these is "borderline personality disorder" which (in my humble opinion) seems to fit the behaviours in all that you have written.  There is an excellent site on the internet - "Facing the Facts" about this issue with lots of information, articles to read and books to order, as well as many message boards. There even is one dealing with the raising of a child with this disorder.  The internet address is "www.bpdfamily.com".  For us, this site has been a life-saver.

As an aside - One of the most popular books on this site to order is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  It is unbelievable the number of times that a poster on that site will use the phrase "walking on eggshells" when referring to a family member who wreaks havoc on the family and friends.  If you look at your first posting, you also used this phrase.  I wish you the best ...

[boop1973]

Dad lives hour away and wants nothing to really do with him unless it is convenient for him.  Holidays, etc.  
Yes he was sexually abused, as was I.  He goes through counseling for the abuse.  I guess I do not see why he has to treat the one person that is here for him and loves him unconditionaly so bad.  I would have been grateful to have had it from my mother when i was going through the abuse.  However, I did not try to kill my mother or curse her and I did not poop my pants.  I know everyone acts and is affected differently, I have been working with him and standing by him for 9 years with this.  I know he is getting ready to go through puberty too.  He loves my fiance, he tries to be just like him.  I know he is torn with that too when he does things with my fiance he feels like he is abandoning his father.  However the truth is his father is abandoning him.  

[whirlygirl820]

Where is his Dad?   I am assuming because you said fiance that there was some sort of breakup with the child's father.   Did your child undergo some sort of trauma?   Does he like your fiance?   I'm asking because he may be hurting very badly over something and is acting it out with you where he feels safest.  Kids tend to do that.  His behavior sounds extreme - but maybe something is extremely upsetting him?  

[boop1973]

If he was picking it up from me when he came home he would have been responsive I would not be having these feelings.  He does not try to help, if it does not feed a need for him than he wants no part of it.  Yes I am bi-polar and I am medicated and have counseling.  I have been supportive and here for him.  

[margypops]

It sounds as if it is you who needs some help and counselling perhaps he is picking up a lot of his behavior form you, I suggest that you contact your Doctor tell him what you have said here about hurting this child and ask for a referral for counselling, if he is on meds they also can have an effect on his behavior ..good luck