11 year old boy with aggressive attitude

[Lou Graham]

Hello and thanks for reading about my problem.
My ex husband was physically abusive to both myself and my 11 year old son. Although we are now seperated, he still has access to both our children. My son Andrew shows behaviour typical of his father, aggressive attitude, violence, inability to control his temper, lashing out at other children or possessions. This behaviour came to a peak a couple of years ago but seemed to improve after we moved away from the area we lived in, where his father and new girlfriend live and which was a rough neighbourhood. I am asking for your advice now as these behaviours have come to the surface again quite quickly over the last few weeks, with no apparent cause. I have tried talking about it with him but he will not open up to me, there is no one else he would talk to.
Andrew has been excluded from school today after hurting another child, what can I do to help him see that his temper needs to be controlled before somebody else is seriously injured?
Thank you in anticipation,
Lou Graham

[Nichole_1974]

A related discussion, HOW CAN MY SON CONTROL HIS TEMPER? was started.

[cutemom]

Hi I too have an 11 year old boy with aggressive behavior. He takes advantage of me in the times when I am down or in a position where I cannot put much attention on him. I went through the past 2 years taking care of both my parents suffering from cancer then dying from the cancers. At that time he would take advantage of me. He shouts at me and will not listen to me. He is a very sweet hearted boy at the same time. He tells me no, and I have to tell him to do something at least 5 or 6 times until there is an argument or I am on my last button pushed and I have to raise my voice because my patience is very slim. Help... what can I do...

[Lou Graham]

Thanks jocaan, (is that Jo Caan?)
Nice to know that somebody else undersatnds. Sometimes feels like everyone in the world is pointing a finger and whispering behind my back. Visiting sites like these certainly helps to put things in perspective when you see how other families have suffered far worse tragedies and experience more hardships. I have gathered a lot of information and like they say, knowledge is power.
Thanks,
Lou

[jocaan]

Try going to Amazon.com then search under Books for childhood aggression or some similar reference or on single parenting.  A library will also be able to bring up books on the topic.  
Talk to the school social worker if there is one.  The SW will also have tips on resources.  
Also you show you have been able to move away from the problem but what is your general personality like?  Are you passive?  Do you know when and how to use confrontation?  Do you know how to use " I " messages?   There are also books on how to assert yourself properly.  
You need to show your son there are many other alternatives to being aggressive.  There are reasons a non-aggressive approach is best and at the same time not slipping into being defensive in dealing with responses.  .  
It will take some insight and thought, hard work really, to show your son alternatives to every time he acts out and shows an inappropriate aggressive action or communication but this is needed.  
You have to draw the line.  The world your son is in is not an appropriate world and you need to show him a more peaceful and constructive world.    
Your son is trying out ways to feel like an appropriate male.  Unfortunately you and not his father is the best parent for this task-at least in the area of aggression and hostility.  
This does not mean that you being the female do not have obligations,  influence or rights in this area to do this parenting.  Whether the father is in or out of the home your input is wholly appropriate.  
Try to involve your son in sports and help him find outlets for his perceived disturbing feelings.  A little hard work around the house now and then, like mowing the lawn would not hurt.  

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

You should not attempt to handle this by yourself. Your son requires some professional help, in addition to whatever you can do at home. See the previous post for a suggestion about learning how to manage behavior. One of the purposes of the clinical intervention is to rule out any mental health conditions, and one that deserves attention is juvenile onset mood disorder, particularly bipolar disorder. The pattern you describe in your son and his father is typical of people who display bipolar disorder.