conduct disorder

[neen8699]

We have a 7 year that has had problems sense he was 3.  I am at a loss for all hope.  I read everyone else's post about their children with behavior problems and i think to myself wow they are just at the start.  Believe me things get much worse.  Getting the other parent to realize there is a problem took 4 years for me.  Now we have no friends because they forbid their kids to be around him.  My marriage is completely in ruins and we are about to have another child.  Our 3 year old lives in terror because of the 7 year old.  

The 7 year old goes to school 2 hours a day because school can not handle him.  By the way this is the 3rd school he has been to and it is not because we moved.  He has anger issues, the most defiant child i have ever seen, refuses to do anything, chores, homework.  He destroys all of his toys, he is mean to others and animals,  he says the most horrible things to people.  No remorse.  Does not care about his actions.  I can go on and on.  My spouses idea of dealing with him is to give him a video game to play with for 10 freaking hours.  Really?  He is already antisocial.

I am the calmest person in the whole house and i am ready to punch holes in the walls.  Does anyone have advice for me

[RockRose]

I should have asked about his early childhood,  but from your first post it seemed you had him from birth,   and you sound very caring and attentive and connected.

Since his early childhood was extremely rocky and neglectful,  I think you should google "reactive attachment disorder" and keep researching that if you find a website that at first doesn't sound like that's what he has.

Children with RAD don't view themselves as a part of the human community,  and so aren't motivated - at all - by any kind of social discipline that motivates almost every other child.  They simply don't care what happens to them,  and don't care what anyone at all thinks of them.  They are purely pleasure driven not the least bit driven to be loved and admired,  as other children are.

Best wishes.  That,  and the drug history and mental illness history in the family,  this is hard.  

Prayers you can make the best of this,  but this really is a long and painful path.

[neen8699]

yes he has an iep.  And i will check the book out

[Sandman2]

    Wow, I feel for you.  His symptoms are fairly similar to whats called a "crack baby" and that is a known medical condition.
    Given his condition he must have an IEP in school.  Does he?  If not, I can tell you how to get one going.
    Other thoughts - at home.  He obviously has had a lot of change.  All kids need consistency.  You guys need a plan that you work on together.  One of the best books out there for consistency is - "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark.  Get it and give it a try.   Its worth the effort.  Best wishes!

[neen8699]

oh margy it is not just dad that is doing this it is his family.  I come from a long line of strong women and this man is going to need a crowbar to the head to get the pic of a firm understanding.  My father 95 says today time to get the rolling pin out like ma would do. lol.  With all the help, therapy, and iep for school i feel like i take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back.  it really is crazy.  Everyone else in the house is consistent,  that is what kids need.  Thanks for your sympathy really!!!

[margypops]

Touche ...I suggest you speak firmly to his dad about the video's and get him playing board games , outside ball games and reading .all this tech stuff if over done is not good ..He could use some good positive role modelling and his Dad should be the front runner .

[neen8699]

I could not agree more.  I was an only child raised by people that were born in 1915.  Technology?  What is that?  Books, musical instruments, and collecting rocks was my intertainment.  My daughter started school last year and the teacher told me they were actually scared to have her because she comes from the same household as the 7 year old.  They are in so much amazement that she is their favorite student.

[neen8699]

I did not know him before 3.  My husband and his ex used to do crack coccaine.  He was born with traces of the drug in him.  Mother has anxiety disorder and my husband has severe anger issues.  As i am told from family members the mother would leave fruit bars around the house and sleep until 1pm.  Knowing both of them for 4 years they are both at fault and in denial.  Mother moved to Texas 2 years ago to get clean and get married.  my son went to visit during summer and all hell broke loose.  We could not get ahold of anyone for 5 days because mother went to jail for domestic violence fighting over the child.  A neighbor had him for those 5 days while we lost our minds.  The army was even looking for him.  This child has never been disciplined properly in his life!!!!  Well unless you classify mental abuse as discipline.  It is not just his biological parents that mentally abuse him it is anyone in contact with him for long period of time.  I have had babysitters have mental breakdowns after 15 minutes with him.  I am the only one that keeps things in control.  My husband feeds to the fire by buying him video games all the time and then does not even get anything for the rest of the kids.  Well thanks for making my job so much harder.

As for school we have the same system here but they have found away around it as a disciplinary action.  I have been taking care of kids with bipolar, adhd, downs, and you name it but i have never before dealt with a child like mine.  I had to take a semester off from my phd in psych to home school him.  He needs to institutionalized in a behavior modification institute but I am just a STEPMOTHER.  It is just unbelievable.

[margypops]

I would also stop the video gaming 10 hours or anywhere near it ..it sounds as if the dynamics in the home are out of sinc.... in my opinion children do not become anti social by them selves its usually a problem or problems within the family ..They copy and learn from us ..  

[RockRose]

neen,  when you say he's had problems "since he was three" - did something traumatic emotionally or physically happen to him at that time?  Did he have strep or some other illness?

Usually,  a child who is as difficult  as you describe would have been difficult at the age of 2 also. At that time,  did he seem to have very typical two year old behaviors,  not the extremes you see in him now?

I'm also curious about the school only taking him for 2 hours a day.  In Texas,  the state is REQUIRED to offer full time schooling - even if that means in an alternative or disciplinary setting - for all children who are deemed intellectually mainstream children,  unless they are within the juvenile justice system,  at which time juvenile justice educates them full time.