confused on my 4 year old behavior

[heathermom]

MY FOUR YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS THE MIDDLE CHILD THATS EVERYBODYS ANSWER BUT MY QUESTION IS SHE IS VERY AGGRESIVE. WHEN SHE IS TOLD TO DO SOME THING SHE SAYS NO AND  THROUGHS A FIT , WHEN WE GO TO THE STORE WHICH IS VERY HARD TO DO SHE CRIES THROUGH THE STORE BECAUSE SHE DOSEN'T WANT TO BE IN THE CART OR SHE WANTS THIS, WHEN EVER ME OR MY HUSBAND SUGGEST SOMETHING SHE WANTS TO DO THE VERY OPPISATE. WHEN SHE GETS DREESED IN THE MORNING SHE WILL NEVER WEAR ANYTHING YOU LAY OUT AND I'LL LAY OUT MULTIPLE THINGS BUT ITS ALWAY WILL BE A PROBLEM. IF SHES PUT IN TIME OUT SHE WILL SCREAM AND KICK THE WALLS.I HAVE TRIED AWARD SYSTEMS AND POSITIVE CORRCTION. IF SHES PUT TO BED SHE WILL SCREAM IN HERE ROOM AND THROW STUFF AROUND. I'VE TRIED EVERY THING TO HELP WITH THE TEMPER TAMTRUMS IF YOU IGNORE HER SHE WILL CONTINUE FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME. I'VE TRIED TO SPEND JUST US TIME AWAY FROM THE OTHER KIDS AND IT SEEMS LIKE THE MORE ATTENTION THE MORE THE FITS ARE THROWEN.WHEN WE READ SHE CANT SIT THERE FOR MORE THAN 2 MINS. I AM WONDERING IF THESE ARE SIGNS OF OTHER BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS. I WANT MY BABY GIRL TO BE ABLE TO ENJOY THINGS BUT ALMOST EVERY THING TURNS IN TO A PROBLEM.MY OTHER 2 KIDS SHOW NONE OF THIS BEHAVIOR HER 6 YEAR OLD BROTHER GET FUSTRATED WITH HER. NOW ITS STARTING TO INTERFER WITH DAYCARE BEING VERY MEAN TO HERE CHILD CARE PROVIDER AND NOT LISTENING AND THROWING TANTRUMS. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO IF THERES ANY OTHER TIPS TO TRY OR IF THERES A MORE SERIOUS PROBLEM LIKE ADD/ADHD OR AUTISM.
    CONCERNED MOM FL

[Amy26]

I have the exact same problems with my 4yr old daughter.  She tells me no whenever I tell her to do anything.  She cleans up her stuff perfectly fine in school.  She has also been put ahead in school with the older children and she does well.  I put her in her room for a time out and she kicks the walls and throws stuff.  I am a stay at home mom.  I feel some days that I regret that decision.  My daughter also has juvenille diabetes we have been wondering if this is contributing to her behavior.  I want my sweet child back.  I don't enjoy being around her anymore and that breaks my heart to say that.  I live for my girls.

[Minnie1329]

Try a short sharp smack on the behind, i know its not pc, but the shock tactic can work where others fail.  If you smack her often, it won't work but if you never smack her, it should be the short, sharp shock she needs.  Then give her a cuddle and tell her why you did it.  Make her face you and repeat to her in a loud firm voice that her behaviour is unacceptable, hold her by the shoulders and talk to her.  Keep doing this until it penetrates her brain.  Failing that instead of hiding your frustration and pain at her behaviour, show her exactly how it makes you feel, cry if that is how you feel, this should make her more aware of the consequences of her actions, and next time it happens refer to the way you felt last time, turn this from your problem with her to a joint problem.  I know the childs only four but she has to take responsibility for her behaviour and the way that it affects the rest of the family.  If you don't sort it out now, then there is the chance that your other two children will never be close to her, and this in turn will make her more resentful.  If she is your only girl call her your favourite, or prettiest girl, if you have a younger girl them call her your no 1 girl or something similar, make her feel special, because although everyone tells you this its true that the middle child is often left feeling unloved because of their position within the family cos your oldest is your first born and the last is your baby.  Thats life, but try to make her position as special and important as the other two, a pet name can do this especially if it refers to something only they can fulfil.  Hope this helps

[bit4101]

I have worked with children in Mental Health for the past 14 years, my last job being a Program Director for a residential program for adolescents.  I have now left mental health because of the nonsense involved in the system and the lack of addressing the real problems.  

Everyone is so quick to find a "diagnosis" for problematic behaviors and to start medications.  I will not say all the time, but I will say that probably 95 percent of children that I have worked with have been misdiagnosed by "professionals".

If there is a problem with a child, look at the following blatent causes and stop trying to project the blame onto other things.  

If your child has been diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Disruptive Disorder, Conduct Disorder etc.  Before you start medications consider the following causes for their behavior.

Divorce
Inconsistent Lilmit Setting
Lack of structure in the home
single parent families
Daycare (if you have to use daycare, your not ready for kids, get a dog!)

These key events are the most common sources of problematic children. Sorry just the hard truth, no matter how many "professionals" avoid placing the responsibility where it belongs.  Inproper parenting is the cause of most of these problems.  Instead of constantly focusing on the child as the problem there needs to be a little more introspection into the quality of the parenting skills.  Sorry but its about time that this obvious truth was stated.  

[baldbya4yrold]

I just read the letter by the mother "heathermom".  I have been having problems with my 4yr old daughter.  She does everything like her daughter she described from the tantrums to the louder and louder she gets when you don't aknowledge her, to the wall kicking, to the hair pulling experiences you just want to go crazy with.  I have talked to numerous people about her behavior and they always tell me it because of her over acheivements and her being bored in social situations so her mind gets bored.  she has been an over acheiver since she was 12 months she could already recite her intire alphabet a-z with no hesitation, and was able to carry on a full conversation at 18 months clear as day no baby talk, she would be shown something one time and she could tell you back anything within seconds.  Some people suggested to start her in school to keep her mind busy so she was evealuated and she started school about 2 months after her 3rd birthday and she was smarter then the children that were 4 and 5 years old.  Her teacher suggested she start kindergarten on her 4th birthday but I declined due to me feeling I would force her to grow up too fast.  Mostly it is her social and home situations I'm concerned about.  The terrible issues just puzzle me because when she is at school she has none of these behaviorial issues.  I have had numerous sessions with the teacher and she has informed me that she is one of the best children in class and even goes out of her way to be helpful to other children with patience and kindness.  HELP---I don't know what to do.

[tlkarin]

I am having the same problem with my 5 yr old grandaughter who lives with me and her mother.  She is smart and friendly most of the time, but when she goes into her tantrums, that can last for hours, she can reduce any person or animal in a 10 mile radius to tears.  Her father has been in jail numerous times due to his anger, but she hasnt lived near him in 4 yrs.  I hate to think that she inherited some awful gene that will make her like this her whole life.  We dont know where to begin to help her (cuz most of the time we just want to be away from her).  Has food alergies ever caused something like this?  We can see her mood change and the darkness come over her eyes before the tantrums.

[Debbie W. NY]

Oh my God!  I have the exact same problem with my 5 year old daughter too! That is why I came here this morning! I am so ready to call child services and have her taken away because now she is hurting her 3 1/2 year old brother. I can't take it anymore. I have contacted like 10 different child counselors and not one has called me back! I need help myself, I just wanted to let you know that your not alone!

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

At the vesy least, your daughter likely displays a type of Disruptive Behavior Disorder. Such conditions can be treated by systematic behavior management pland, sometimes coupled with medication (depending on the particular type of DBD and the nature and severity of the symptoms). It's possible you are witnessing the manifestations of juvenile onset Mood Dsorder. Is there any family history, on your or on her father's sdie, of mental or emotional disorders? The way to pin down what is occurring is to arrange for an evaluation with a pediatric mental health clinician. If you're not sure where to turn, ask her pediatrician for guidance. If you have medical insurance, call the number on the back of the insurance card re: mental health issues.