dating someone who also has a child

[dianed]

I have been dating someone for about 6 months now.  I have, before that, been dating since my son was 2.  He is now 7. He has not met others that i have dated before unless i thought it was the right person for us. Finally i have found someone who has a son who is 6, and he is a wonderful man. At times it can be difficult because my son is older and his son seems to get away with alot more than mine. I want to be able to treat each fairly, but i know we always favor our own child. What should i expect from my boyfriend in regards to the way he should treat my son and the way i should treat his? I never would correct his child, and would not want him to correct mine.  We are very happy together, but it is very stressful to me when the kids have a disagreement and i do not know the right thing to do. I do not want to yell at my son for something minor but i feel that at times he catches the short end of the stick. I try to take it as it comes but i am just for the future. My boyfriend seems to handle everything fine. My son really likes going there and playing but seems to get very emotional at times and i give him all the attention he deserves. Please offer advice on this situation.

[dianed]

I am more of a dicipline type mom.  I am easy going, but firm with my child, when i need to be.I may notice more than other people, when my child does something wrong and do not want to feel embarrassed or feel like i am a "bad mother".  My boyfried on the other hand takes things in stride, which i am working on also. We do not live together and know it will be a lot different when we do and i have my son most of the time and he has his half of the time. I guess i should just take one day at a time. Jealousy may be a factor too. I do not want to read into any matters but i would like things to go smoothly. Thanks for your advice kif. It helped.

[Kif]

Once, when I was barely 18 myself, I caught a couple kids, all around 9-10 or so, setting fire to a pile of garbage next to a building. I rushed in and stamped out the fire, all the while yelling at them for setting it and basically calling them idiots.

They were literally horrified that I had dared do something like that. One stood up in shock and said "YOU can't talk to me like that - You're not my MOTHER!". Kid, if I was your Mom, I wouldn't just be yelling, I'd be booting yer arse.

You can argue all you want about whether or not I did the right thing in jumping in right away, but I wasn't about to watch a duplex go up in flames so I could take the time to find Darling Johnny's Mommy because she's the only one who has the right to call him a naughty boy.

The point is, to each of your step-kids, you are respectively FAR more than a stranger on the street. You both have every right to call kids to task for their behaviour - especially when it affects you or others. Kids don't exist in a vaccuum, they have to interact with the world at large, and that means they have to realize and accept that there are different codes of behaviour and expectations of them in different situations. You may be a more "disciplinarian" mom, he might be a more "gentle-touch" dad. But you both love and like the other's kid, right? So what's the problem? Nothing if you sit down and establish some common household rules with your boyfriend that you can both stick to and enforce equally, regardless of whose kid it is who breaks the rules.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

The important thing is for you and your friend to decide on an approach. One approach is for each of you to address your own child and not the other. I don't recommend that approach, but if you and he both want it that way, do it. I beleive it would be better for each of you to be comfortable addressing either of the kids about their behavior. After all, you're the adults, and both of the kids should respect your jurisdiction over their behavior.