don't know what to do

[djwray]

I have a 14 year old boy, and an 18 year old girl, and I am just disgusted and hurt by their behaviour.
My son was suspended from school for three days, He is also grounded for 3 days, He kncked a hole in the bedroom door  by punching it, grounded for 1 week and has to pay for it. He is failing all but two classes, because he just sits there, he is smart, can do the work but refuses to. grounded for that also. I am not with his father. He stayed with him for two years, then I found out his dad was doing drugs getting drunk and fighting him.
My daughter , I know she is suppose to be grown, I am trying to help her out. She is trying to get her GED she has a part-time job, But both are incredibly lazy.
My daughter and I fought last night. They are both so very hateful, disrespectful,  I don't know what to do. I try to be good to them.  I am remarried, if their step-dad tries to disipline them they want to fist fight him. Now they try to fist fight me. I try to talk to them, the only response I get is " I don't care"
Can someone help me?

[laura1977]

yeah, I have four brothers 2 older and 2 younger.  I was picked on growing up and now my little brothers pick on me.
My parents bought our cars but if we didn't keep a 3.0 average the car sat in the garage with a car cover over it for that six weeks, or if they wanted to make us mad, then my mother would drive it sometimes.  that would always make my brother upset.  
It really did work though because they made us go by their rules or we didn't have a car.
I know the one income thing.  My husband works and I stay at home with our girls.  Can be tight sometimes.

[djwray]

Yes it is on a need to know.
I didn't buy any of the kids their cars or cell phones. They have to work to buy them.
Between me and my husband we have 6 kids and 1 income.
We will still take them away if they don't act right.Most of the kids are 18 and up. Then there is the 14 and 3 year olds.
We have also let all but the younger two know we don't have to let them live here. I f they don't like our rules they can get their own place and make their own rules.

[laura1977]

You know I don't think kids have to know all about what their parents did when they were young.  I think it is on a need to know thing.
It took my brother finding a steady girl friend to finally wake him up and get him away from doing that stuff.  Plus his head being laid open from the wreck helped also.  As they say you have to hit bottom before you can go up.
I agree with you that you should ground him though.  My parents were always grounding my brother, and I think it kept him from getting into more trouble.
Heres one thing my parents did, they bought us our cars, but then when we did something they didn't like, they grounded us from them.

[djwray]

I will keep my eyes open. I do know what to look for. When I was younger I too was on drugs.
I'm glad to hear your brother woke up.  
My kids know what drugs can do form seeing other family members (uncles, cousins, dads)
They don't know what I have done. I try not to get into that.

[djwray]

I grounded him because 1. suspended form school 2. His grades 3. the door
Now let me explain something. The good friends, I let them come and talk to him and hang out for a little bit. Because they are trying to talk sense into him. and maybe it will help.
I agree that they have had some trauma in their lives and they are lost.
Believe me I am doing everything I can to help them.
The one thing that worries me most about my son, and this is something he has picked up from his dad, He tells me he wants to kill himself when things don't go his way. That scares me.

[RockRose]

It sounds like they are both very angry and don't know any other way to express it than ruining their lives.    They've had a lot of trauma - and they sound lost.   When you have a child like your son who literally doesn't care what happens to him,  you're kind of helpless to punish that out of him - he doesn't care.  

It sounds like the only thing positive at all right now in his life are his friends.  If I were you,  I'd stop grounding him and allow him to experience the only positive experience he's willing to accept.  Grounding doesn't seem to be working at all anyway,  it's just separating him from the positive.

Best wishes.

[laura1977]

I really hope that he isn't doing drugs.  My littlest brother is 22 now, but when he was in high school he ran with a set of guys he went to church with.  They did the bible school thing and all of it.  They were actually at the hospital praying for my grandfather when he had surgery.  Turned out that my family found out those same kids got my brother into smoking weed.  
My brother was always really nice, but he changed, got a mean side to him and a temper.  I just want you to know this side of it because my mother also did the same thing you did and had his friends talk to him, and trusted his friends, but then later found out they weren't good friends.  
Again I hope that your son isn't doing this, but please keep eyes open just in case.  My brother ended up wrapping his truck around a tree one night, and slammed his head into the windshield.  He permantly has two long scares on his forhead.  They tested him at the hospital and it showed that he did have some stuff in his system from another day, but they still charged him and he has been on probabtion.  He has since gotten away from those kids and stopped doing that stuff, that wreck really woke him up.  
Again I am not saying your son is doing this.

[djwray]

I don't believe my son is doing drugs, I have talked with him and he seems to be against drugs. I do know of the tests. The friends he has made are pretty good boys, they have even talked to him about the way he is acting.
He has some anger issues and working on getiing counseling.
When he gets mad he doesn't know what to do. He has agreed to counseling.

[laura1977]

you said your ex was doing drugs, is this a possibility for your son?  You can buy drug tests at Walgreens or CVS and have him take it, if he won't, that might be a sign that he is.