An Uncontrolable 4 1/2 Year Old

[Galloway5]

My husband and I are having a tough time with my little boy all of a sudden.  He has always been a very sweet and loving child.  He started preschool this year.  His teachers say that he is an excellent student and behaves very well. As soon as he gets home, it's like a light switch comes on.  He is wild and uncontrolable.  He doesn't listen , he constantly picks fights with his sister, talks back, destroys his toys, hits and kicks the dog, talks ugly and calls everybody names, yells, throws tantrums when things don't go his way.  He hits me sometimes when he doesn't like what I say.  He embarrishes  me all the time in public.  He acts like a wild animal let out of a cage.  He totally ignores anything I tell him.  It's like he gets a kick out of making me upset.  He laughs when I cry.   We had tried all types of methods to deal with his behavior.  We have tried time out, grounding him from his toys or tv, spankings, spending alone time with.  He acts great when we are alone with him, but when he is with our other childern or any other childern he is wild.  I've been told that it is the middle child sydrome since we have a 6 month old.  I have also been told that he is just a boy and boys act that way. One of my friends ,think that he is just so calm and quiet at school that he has to let the energy out sometime. He has just developed this new attitude so quickly.  He has just always been a mommy's boy and loved and repected me so much.  I don't know if this is just a phase they go through or if there is really a problem. Is this something I need to talk to a pedatrician about?  I just love him so much, but he is stressing my whole family out.  My marriage is even straining due to his behavior.  Please give me some advise.

[Tanthia]

I'm glad I found this site, I've been trying to find other people in the same situation.  My daughter is 4 1/2 yrs old and and sounds like your children.  Most of the time she is a beautiful little 'fairy princess', is polite and caring and has wonderful manners and then other times she goes into fits of rage with uncontrollable tantrums where she bites herself hits herself and screams aboput how much everybody hates her and how horrible she is.  No amount of reassuring that this is not the case can console her and many times I too held her tight just to stop her hurting herself but she gets so strong and arms and legs go crazy, I now just let her go on the floor and make sure there's nothing she can hurt herslf on.  I've spoken to her preschool teacher who just can't believe she would behave like that because she is so good there.  I also want to videotape this strange behaviour.  What could possibly make a 4 yr old so angry and want to hurt themselves?  I would be interested in hearing back about your children and how you deal with this. Any information would be appreciated as my daughter behavior has suddenly escalated the past 2mths, she used to hurt herself when she was little (hit head on walls, kick and bite herself) but hadn't been doing it as bad for awhile then suddenly the tantrums and hurting herself are back and worse. What could have triggered it?

[ConcernedVastag]

Oh my gosh.  I have a 4/12 year old turning 5 years old in about 2 weeks.  He has always been some what difficult but lately it has been so bad I am told he won't be able to start Kindergarden if we don't get him under control.  He is a great child most the time.  Loving, Smart, loves his routines each day.  Doesn't do well with loud noises or loud places.  Gets over stimulated I am told by Guidence at his old school.  I have him in early intervention to try to get his behavior issues handle.  Today I got a phone call from his Pre-k teacher telling me that he pushed another child off the steps onto his head simply because he said he didn't want the boy to talk.  He is good most the time at school but does have moments when is acts up and does something terrible like push that boy or hit or throw something.  He laughs after doing it or if someone gets hurts he laughs.  I once hit my head and was crying and he didn't even try to help me get up and just laughed uncontrollably at me.  He was premature 5 1/2 weeks and has always been some what behind on his fine motor skills however scores high on his gross motor skills.  He use to bite every one now he doesn't do that anymore now he acts out and pushes, hits, tells me I am not his friend anymore and since we bought a new puppy to help him overcome his fear of animals.  He seems terrified.  He loves the puppy now but hits it and is mean to it and tortors it and I have to keep him away from the puppy.  He has for 2 weeks now been being terrible and out of control and wild like the others mentioned on this site and it seems like he too has a crazy side.  I don't know what to do.  I have been talking about a Therapist maybe.  I have tired spankings, time out, taking toys and tv (cartoons) away from him but after 5 minutes he is right back being wild or bad again.  He throws and yells all the time now after school.  He also has been crying when he doesn't get his way.

ConcernedVastag

[tlkarin]

I commend you on your patience and strength.  I have a 5 yr old grandaughter who does the same thing.  Her mother and I try to hold her down but she gets stronger than the two of us.  I think it is funny that time outs are considered a reality to the problem. If we had enough control to have her sit still somewhere, we wouldnt have this problem. Hell, her mother and I lock ourselves in the bedroom for a "time-out" from her.  Usually we have to come out to clean up all the broken things she has flung around and rescue the cat & dog from her.  But then when it is over, she is the sweetest, kindest child who likes to pretend to be a "princess angel".  I plan on video taping her tantrums and distributing it to high schools as a birth control option.....

[Gone mad]

I too go thru that every day,so you are not alone. My daughter is an only child so she doesn't do things to her siblings, She does them to me. I been called a bad mom ,she's told her toys{lets go kill mommie}and I'm sitting right in front of her. She throws anything that she can reach, and if she can't reach it she will climb on anything.She's broken the door she slammed it so hard,put holes in walls from her kicking them,We end up sitting on the floor with me holding her tightly, but not hurting her,holding both arms down,my legs wrapped around her legs,so she won't kick and we sit there sometimes for hours,while I sing to her,and tell her how much I love her.Even though I can barely hear myself over her(very loud}. Eventually she falls asleep from exhaustion ,when she wakes up it's like a totally,happy,loving little 4yr old again. This isn't a solution it just protects my child from hurting herself.Maybe this will help you .I'v been trying to find other parents like me for a long time looks like I found the right website, thank you.

[Kevin Kennedy, Ph.D.]

It is often thecase that 4-5 years olds are very depleted by the end of their school day and, once home, display the dramatically different types of behavior you are experiencing with your son. Now, the good news is that they eventually accomodate to the strenuous demands. It is helpful, as much as you can reasonably do it, to minimize demands for interaction in the after-school period. That is, try to arrange his schedule so that he is engaged by himself in whatever he regards as soothing activity. This does not mean, however, that you should be permissive in relation to any outrageous behavior. If he is aggressive in any way, you should place him in time out. Do this for a period of about 5-10 minutes, and use a cooking timer to track the time. Don't start the timer until he is seated (in anadult-size chair) and quiet. If he's crying or fussing, simply say: When you are quiet I'll start the timer. Be sure to maintain your equanimity as much as you can.