four year old behavior

[nursenik33]

My son is 4 1/2 years old and is one of the sweetest boys you'll ever meet (most of the time)....However he can turn it off like a switch.  I want to be able to enjoy him the way I always dreamed of when I had children.  I find myself raising my voice more often than not...and yes, spanking his behind....moreso to get his attention....I realize that spanking to some, is not an effective solution. But sometimes I feel that it is the only way to stop him in his tracks.
The last two days, he has ran off from me despite telling him to come back...or please stay away from the road, so you can be safe..etc....He looks at me with these devlish grin, and just keeps going.  It's all I can do to contain myself without screaming at the top of my lungs.  He does this running off thing quite often...and I don't know how to get it through to him that this is not appropriate behavior.  For instance, I got a hold of him yesterday, swatted his butt,and took him straight to his room......removed his TV...and explained to him why I was doing that..(you ran away, you could have been hurt..etc)......He says he understands....but the next day he does it again....and again....I feel like I'm consistent with discipline, but I feel that there has to be something else I can try.  Above all, I love my boys (3 year old also)0...and I HATE yelling....they certainly know how to push my buttons.

My boys recently started daycare/preschool...and on Friday I got a report that My 4 year old was acting up.  I just want my kids to be respectful and productive members of society.......HELP?!?  

I'm just not satisfied that "they will grow out of it"......I see a lot of  other kids that are their ages, who do not behave in these ways...I realize that it is behavior modification on the parents' part and the childs part...I need help...I would like to establish solid discipline before this becomes a huge problem....

[Sandman2]

   Wow, I must be psychic!  The fact that I have seen friends (and my self) in the same situation I sure has nothing to do with my guesses :).  As I said for you, the tough part is two boys of that age and your job - not necessarily in that order.
   I don't know about the "talking to toddlers" program.  There is a lot of good stuff out there.  I do know that what I recommended is good.
   I think that what you need is a plan of attack - well, make it a plan of action.  As long as you consistently stick to it, it will work.  Kind of like insulin - you don't take it every other day.
   I do understand your comments about the harness.  Went through the same thing. Hey, its your kid and you want to keep him safe!  If mom doesn't like it, then let her hold his hand.  Its a relatively short lived thing.  I mean you strap him into a car seat don't you?
   I think that what is hard is that you and your husband have to sit down and come up with an action plan.  That's probably the last thing that you want to do when you actually get to see your husband and he is awake.  You gotta take the time and do it.  It will be worth it.
   By the way, you mentioned that after about a week of daycare/preschool you got a negative report. What was the report about?
    What is important is not that you got the report, but what happens after.  Assuming that this is an experienced (and that is highly important) school, they should be able to deal with him.  Find out what they do to get his attention.  It will probably take about 3 weeks for them to train him (hate to use the train word, but it is what it is).  If you are still getting bad reports after 3 or more weeks (consistently), then we have more to talk about.  
    Hope this helps!  Keep in touch.  

[nursenik33]

Thanks for your response...you are right, I am a nurse...and I work nightshift....so unfortunately they sometimes get the brunt of my moods from sleep deprivation...And yes, most of the time when my older one runs off, it's because I'm also managing my (almost) 3 year old. (I have a "monkey harness"...and hated using it...the looks I got for having my kid on a "leash" were brutal...not to mention the fact that my mother made me feel like the worst person in the world for using it).  They are 18 months months apart, and most definately compete for attention.  I see my younger son sometimes exhibit similar behaviors that I see in my older son...So I would really like to take care of this before it really gets out of hand (x2).  I have done some online research on a program you can download called "Talking to Toddlers"...IT discusses behavior modification and positive reinforcement.  It's $37...I'm really considering purchasing this program....I also have the book (which I have yet to read) "the strong willed child"....I will look up the books that have been suggested.  Any input on this program would be appreciated.  My husband and I are willing to try anything.  Thanks!

[Sandman2]

   No, they don't necessarily grow out of it, and there certainly are more effective ways of consequences then what you have tried.  Get the book,  "SOS Help for Parents," by Lynn Clark and read it.  She will give you a system that provides immediate and consistent consequences.  Just realize that experts (and Lynn) say it takes about 3 weeks for immediate, consistent consequences to change behavior, so don't expect overnight miracles. It will really help.  
   Also dealing with a 3 and a 4and a half year old is really tough.  And if you happen to be a nurse (got friends who are) or anybody who comes home really tired - I feel for you.  This is a tough age!
   Another thing to try is reading to the kids each night from a set of books aimed at the 4 to 7 year old crowd.   They are the "learning to get along" series, and the "best behavior" series.  Many titles can be found here - http://www.amazon.com/Hands-Are-Hitting-Best-Behavior/dp/1575423081/ref=pd_sim_b_1
     Oh, my guess is that when he runs off from you - you are holding onto your 3 year old?  If so, at least part of this is attention getting.  Make him hold onto the 3 year old.  Heck, for matter, when my son was about that age, we had a harness that went around his shoulders and back and we snapped a leash to that.  He was really fast and this helped him stay grounded.  After a while, we just went to the harness and only used the leash if he took off.  Ya felt kind of weird, but it worked.
    Hope this helps.